1
Excuse me, ma'am?
Ma'am?
Well, it happened.
I'm gonna hit a kid.
Would you like to support
my baseball league
for underprivileged youth?
I don't see an underprivileged youth.
I see a young me trying
to scam an old me.
Sir?
I'm sorry, I have diabetes.
And I'm not stupid.
Move it along.
It's not a scam!
My friends and I just want to place
to play baseball after school
so we're not hanging on the
streets like rap people.
Kid, I started the candy scam.
I raised $500 for a
homeless bowling league,
AKA pot.
Catch this, Mr.
Baseball.
Not the face!
I think I know which team you play on,
and it ain't baseball.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
[cash register bell dings]
You still shopping on your phone
for things you can't afford?
Who are you? Everyone in America?
I just add things to my
cart without buying them.
Why not buy one Apple watch
when I can not buy two?
It's called dry shopping.
So it's like dry humping,
but you don't get anything?
I'm sorry, Max,
but tomorrow's the anniversary
of when I lost my money
and my peaches-and-cream complexion.
Not my words; "Seventeen" magazine's.
I need a fantasy life.
I mean, I just thought you
were over all that junk.
You thought I was "over"
losing $5 billion
and my whole life?
Oh.
I guess I was just over you
talking about it all the time.
You need to let go of your past.
Pickup! Turkey burger ish.
If you weren't so busy not buying a
three-bedroom townhouse
on the Upper East Side,
you would've noticed that
Mr.
Turkey Burger at table ten's
been checking out your buns.
He is not.
He is?
[chuckles]
Get in there.
Sex is still free
[clicks tongue]
For women.
Fine, I'll go over there,
but this better not be a prank,
like when you told me
Bette Midler was at table three
and really wanted to meet me.
It was just some old Jewish lady,
and she was mean.
That was Bette Midler!
Here's your turkey burger.
My friend thinks you're
flirting with me,
and you're obviously not,
so if you could just
tell her you're not,
that'd be great.
[laughing] Okay.
I will tell her I am not
flirting with you
on one condition.
You go see a show with me tomorrow.
I feel tricked.
So is that a yes?
I hope so,
because I already wrote down my number.
Um yeah, sure.
I mean, if it's already written down,
I guess I have to go.
I can't believe I didn't
notice he was flirting.
What's wrong with me?
Let me get my list.
Hi, everybody!
Good news!
Oleg and I are getting a surrogate
to carry our baby.
Yeah, doing it the other
way was taking longer
than my stuttering uncle did
to finish his s-s-s-sentence.
Sophie, I hope you're
not thinking of me
to be your surrogate.
Just keep in mind,
you won't even let me carry your purse.
You think I'd hire a surrogate
that's older than me?
Come on.
No.
Max is helping me interview people
this week in my booth.
This is so exciting.
I wish I got to pick the
person I grew inside.
My mom drank so much
during her pregnancy,
I was born wearing a shirt that says,
"It's 5:00 somewhere.
"
[clears throat, coughs]
Can we all just admit
vaping is smoking?
Anyway, I'm on the list
for whatever this is.
Channing, Caroline.
There you are.
The show's $20.
My date put me on the list.
I'm sure he paid for me.
He kind of pursued me pretty hard.
It is, again, a date.
Well, then you're dating a loser
and you owe me 20 bucks.
What am I spending my
last $20 on right now?
It's a storytelling show.
People telling their personal stories.
It's basically a fun way to find out
which one of your friends
had a stepfather
that was so mean.
In lieu of cash,
would you accept a tampon?
I have light, regular, super.
Everything you don't
feel on your period.
[laughs]
There is nothing funny about my cramps.
I don't get out of bed
three days a month.
I'll go call a friend.
So by now I was in high school.
But just when I thought
I'd escaped my bullies,
I met the worst one yet: puberty.
Oh, god.
Thanks for bringing the $20, Max,
and sorry you had to spend another $20.
It figures, on the anniversary
of my father stealing money,
I get ripped off by another guy.
Well, I'm getting that $40 back.
I spent more money tonight
than I did in 2013.
It was a high school dance,
and Rachel Mooney, a popular girl,
pulled down my pants.
That's right.
I got dance-pantsed.
Oh, this guy just went from Tom Cruise
to Tom Snooze.
(Adam) In the end, what I learned
is that I'm the painter of my life,
and I can paint out
what I don't want to see.
My brushes are mine.
My strokes are mine.
Guess what's not
getting stroked tonight.
Old Adam's paintbrush.
[light applause]
That's got to be sarcastic
applauding, right?
'Cause I feel like I heard,
like, a question mark
at the end of the clap.
Thank you, Adam August.
That is the end of our show.
I'd like to thank all
of our performers.
You live the stories
that we live to hear.
Hey, Caroline.
I know, that was pretty real.
It was real long.
So where are we going for dinner?
Your treat, and she's coming.
Actually, I'm pretty spent emotionally.
Well, we're spent forty-dollars-ally.
It's just one of those nights where
you leave it all on the stage.
You happen to leave a
couple twenties up there?
Let let me get something straight.
You gave all of yourself
talking about a couple bullies?
That's not a rough life.
You know that, right?
Well, I know I'm entitled to my truths
and how my truths make me feel.
Yeah, but it's not like
you lost a billion dollars
and your father went to prison
and you had to move in with me.
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