1
Here's your check.
Sorry about the entire experience.
Ugh.
You're gonna have to take
it the rest of the way.
I slept funny last year.
You know, I happen to be
a massage therapist,
and I happen to be broke,
so what do you say
I get that crick out of
your neck as your tip?
I miss being able to just say no.
Hold on, I have to run this by a person
who's been poor longer.
Sadly, that guy over there is
offering me a massage as a tip.
Sadly-er, I'm considering it.
Sadly-est, you were here when
that old woman punched me
in the breast and then
asked for change, right?
We're not doing great.
There's got to be somebody
doing worse than you two.
Like that guy who got
left on Mars last year.
Question, girls.
I'm making a healthier menu.
Should I advertise no trans fat,
or does that sound like
I'm trying to keep out Chaz Bono?
Not now, Han,
I have a massage scheduled.
All the stress of acting
like you're working
starting to get to you?
Oh.
OLEG: Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah!
Oh yeah.
- Yes!
- OLEG: Yeah.
- Oh, yes!
- OLEG: (moaning)
Yes!
Oh yes!
Yes! Yes!
- (bell ringing)
- CAROLINE: Yes, yes, yes!
(squealing)
(bell ringing)
I just had what she's having.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
Max, are you busy right now?
- No, I'm at work.
- Cool.
I'm gonna call a staff meeting.
I used to call my driver to pick
up sushi during Gilmore Girls,
but now I call staff
meetings at a diner.
Hey!
Only I can call staff
meetings at the diner.
It's one of the perks of the job.
Well, it's the perk of the job.
Well, it's okay.
The staff meeting is
about the dessert bar
Max and I are opening
in our cupcake window.
If you want, Han,
you can call the meeting,
but I can't imagine
you'd be petty enough
to take the thrill away from Caroline.
Staff meeting!
See, this is what happens
when the mother cat
refuses to lick the runt.
Okay, so I'm checking on the
dessert bar assignments
I gave everyone.
Earl, did you call your cousin
at that liquor distributor
about getting us a discount?
Now, why would I call him?
I owe him $10,000 and a kidney.
So that's a "not yet.
"
I haven't done my thing, either.
(laughs)
Caroline, with all your
money from Hollywood,
you could pay other people
to do this stuff
and also replace the
transmission on a 2012 Yaris.
We have to save all our movie
money for the dessert bar.
Believe it or not, my boobs
can't get us zoning permits.
But they did get us kicked out
of an architect's office.
Oleg, did you talk to your
connection at City Hall
about expediting our liquor license?
Yes, she told me,
"Don't ever sneak into my home
through the bathroom window again.
"
Oh, this is rich.
Now you two see some of
the hell I go through
as a small business owner.
No, you go through hell
'cause nobody wants to
see your small business.
Staff meeting over!
Small staff meeting.
Max, your boyfriend is a lawyer.
When you're at his hotel tonight,
can you ask him to look
at our liquor license?
Also, could you fill an ice
bucket with mini shampoos
and bring it home?
No on both counts.
You're not using Randy
for legal advice.
And as for the shampoo,
they switched to a pump
bolted to the wall,
'cause I was getting greedy.
Hey, Randy.
Hey, Earl.
Saw your rant on Twitter last night.
And I agree; what
self-respecting Sizzler
runs out of Sprite?
I put that on Twitter?
I thought I was writing
an email to my brother.
Hey there, beautiful.
Mm.
So I thought we'd try
something different tonight.
You on top?
No, I'm not talking about changing
our whole power dynamic.
I'm talking about staying
at your apartment.
So, you on bottom?
'Cause that's where I live.
No, really.
We're living in a fantasy world,
that hotel room.
I mean, a really sexy fantasy world,
with people cleaning up after us
and a maid who knew
you from high school.
Boy, was she surprised
to see me naked and alive.
I know I always am.
And Max, I've been to your apartment.
It wasn't that bad.
Uh, okay, fine.
We can stay at my place.
But it's BYOC.
Bring your own
carbon monoxide detector.
Well, here we are.
Slum, sweet slum.
She says that every time
she walks in here.
It's usually to scare the crack
addict out of our kitchen.
Allen, are you here?
All right, well, this is it.
What do you want to do now?
We usually go to sleep
so death comes sooner.
RANDY: You guys,
I can handle an apartment.
Don't let my broad shoulders, stubble,
and Adam's apple confuse you;
I am, in fact, a man.
Coming up straight
ahead is the kitchen.
But I don't have to tell you that.
You can smell the gas.
Fun fact: those paper towels
you see aren't actually paper,
but they do cause cancer.
(knocking)
Ooh, let me guess: the Grim Reaper?
No, the Grim Reaper comes
on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Hey, girls.
And Randy.
Oh.
Someone's been taking
his handsome pills.
Well, they make them in chewable now.
Makes it a lot easier.
Oh, Randy's here?
Hey, hey, hey, bro.
We should hang upstairs later.
We can eat pizza and
watch dirty movies.
It's not delivery; it's DiPorno.
That's a hard no.
Girls, we need to store
some stuff in your place.
Oleg and I are baby-proofing
our apartment.
My mom baby-proofed our house for me.
She put a club on the steering wheel.
So in this duffle bag, I have
He's opening it!
Randy, close your eyes!
Relax.
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