1
Okay, Max, here are the paint
chips for our new dessert bar.
Don't eat them.
This isn't your childhood.
These are all pink.
You want the walls of
our bar to be all pink?
It'll be the first time someone drinks
after they enter a vagina.
Oh, hey no vagina in the Dina.
Or your apartment.
Ever.
You know, this isn't Hooters.
The v-bomb isn't usually
batted around the workplace.
Speaking of batting things around,
our cat wants you to come over again.
Yesterday you said your cat
was too cool to hang out with me.
So which is it?
'Cause I am free tonight.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
[cash register bell dings]
Hey, everybody!
You know what today is?
I hope it ain't the 15th,
'cause that means I missed dialysis.
No, I'm 20 weeks preggers.
And it's time for Oleg and I
to choose the godparents.
You know, it's an old Polish tradition.
Like pierogies and public hangings.
Godparents?
God didn't even give
me parents-parents.
He just gave me some lady that
took me home from the hospital
in a Blockbuster Video bag.
It's a big decision.
You have to pick a couple
who would raise the child
with your beliefs and values.
And Hugh Hefner and
whoever he's banging
already said no.
Yeah, so I'm making a list.
But Oleg doesn't want anyone in prison.
You know, so that knocks out
most of the women in my family.
You know, you guys could also have
these conversations at home.
But this counter is where
they made the baby.
Hey, Earl.
Oh, good, I need somebody strong.
Uh, would you carry this over there,
put some coffee in it,
and bring it back to me?
I'll hot this up in a second.
Just let me hot this one up first.
What're you doing here?
I know you don't like me to bother you
during your free time,
but I missed you.
And I want to tell you
something in person.
Well, whatever it is,
I probably have it too.
And I probably had it first.
It's not that.
But now I'm worried.
No, I met with this
law firm in Manhattan,
and they want to make me a partner.
They're making you a partner?
Well, then they're gonna catch it too.
So, Randy,
you really are a lawyer?
I thought you just played
lawyers in gay porn.
Thanks.
I will tell my trainer.
He was in gay porn.
Hey, Buzz Lightyear,
I'm still waiting for that coffee.
All right, well, I'll be in my booth
working on my godparent list.
And whoever we pick
should be like one of those
perfect families on TV like,
well, the Brady's,
and the Huxtables
Or, you know what?
Scratch that last one.
Wow, if you're considering
moving to New York,
it must be a pretty good job.
Well, there's a couple other reasons.
The bagels.
I have tickets to
Hamilton in seven years.
And there's this girl
here I kind of like.
Who is she? I'll kill her.
So two of the partners want to
take me out tomorrow night
to some fancy private dinner
at someplace called Beak.
(gasps) You're going to Beak?
It's hidden away in a private apartment,
practically under the
Williamsburg Bridge,
so you pretty much have to walk.
How awful and chic is that?
I read in Time Out that
that place is so exclusive,
it's technically not even a restaurant.
Big deal.
This diner gets called
"not a restaurant" all the time.
Hey, did they tell you
to just bring Max,
or was it more of a "bring whoever"?
- Um
- I'll take that as a yes.
I'd love to join you
at Beak tomorrow night.
How could I say no to Beak?
It's spring, so that's peak Beak.
(laughs)
So you want to go?
Want to be my date?
Nah, pass.
Fancy restaurants are one of
the three things I don't do.
You know the other two.
Didn't we blow past those week one?
Max, are you crazy?
Why, is one of my pupils
getting all small?
It happens now.
I don't know why.
What was that out there?
"Nah, pass.
"
Randy's not just asking
you to dinner-dinner.
This isn't about food.
It's about your future together.
He's moving here for you.
You just "naw pass" -ed on Randy.
Weird, I didn't love your
impression the first time,
but I loved it the second.
Randy's moving here for a job.
This dinner isn't about
some law partners.
It's about you and him as partners.
Do you hear words I don't?
You're going to that dinner,
young lady, end of discussion.
Oh, that was so mom-ish!
I wouldn't know.
I've never met one.
(knocking)
Oh, good, this is it.
We knocked on another apartment door,
but the only thing they
were cooking was meth.
We walked across a bridge for this?
This is basically my apartment,
except our wild birds are alive.
Randy, you made it.
And I mean, you made it
because you're eating at Beak.
I mean, the wait list here is longer
than an episode of HBO's Vinyl.
Max, this is Marissa,
one of the partners.
Marissa, this is Max.
She's my girlfriend.
Max? Cute.
Is that short for Maxine?
Technically, it's long for "meh.
"
Sorry, I don't get it.
Probably because of the
Klonopin I had to take
when that homeless man tried
to talk to me on the way in.
Uh, Max, this is Leila,
another partner at the firm,
and her wife, Lei.
She's not just my wife.
She's also a star on Instagram.
See? I talk about your accomplishments.
I put wigs on statues
and then photograph them from behind.
That's it?
That's it.
LEILA: Max
are you a lawyer too?
Uh, no, but I presided over
a food court or two in my day.
Max and her partner, Caroline,
are in the process
of opening a dessert bar.
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