1
I know I've been talking
about Bobby all morning,
but another thing I
love about Bobby is,
he just gets me.
Can he come get you right now?
Last night, I gave Bobby
a little neck action.
Neck action? Oh, racy!
What's next, you gonna
lift up your skirt
and show him your knees?
Maybe.
Hey, Caroline, wait up!
(gasps) Hide me, Max.
Bobby hasn't seen me
in my waitress uniform,
or my right profile.
It hasn't been easy.
What is wrong with our uniform?
I call her Carrie
'cause she's got a
little pig's blood on her
and she can't be destroyed by fire.
Morning, beautiful.
I got you a macchiato.
And a supportive round of applause
when I told them the name was Caroline.
(chuckles)
Bobby, you are so sweet.
This has skim milk, right?
Oh, whatever!
Uh, why are you using Max
as a human shield?
Oh, don't worry.
I'm used to it.
It's how my mom robbed
all those Carvels in the '90s.
(all laughing)
I should get going.
So group hug?
I'm still trying to figure out
where to take you on our third date.
I want it to be special.
Also, I'm either caught on Max's button
or she has a tiny, round penis.
(grunts)
Might want to get that jacket tested.
I'll see ya.
Third date?
You know what that means, don't you?
Going by my last third date,
he comes out of the closet,
and we still date for two years.
No!
It means more neck action, just lower.
Your between-legs neck.
You're an adult, Max.
It's called a noony-noo.
And I thought sex
was on the tenth date,
after he accidentally
says, "I love you.
"
Everybody knows
the third date means sex.
And the fourth date means
he gets oddly distant
and crazy busy at work.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
Hey, Earl, how's it hanging?
Lower than anyone will tell you, Max.
I thought a snake followed me
into the bathroom this morning.
What's up with you girls?
Oh, Caroline is going on a third date.
Oh, some between-legs
neck action is on.
I am really not
familiar with this phrase.
And I'm pretty sure this
whole "third date sex" rule
isn't really a thing.
Waiting until the third date for sex?
What are you, a nun?
Hey, everybody!
Oh, all right.
Don't talk to Baby Barbara.
We're in a fight.
She thought that the Fifty Shades book
was better than the movie.
Sophie, have you ever heard
that you're supposed to
have sex on the third date?
Oh, that's a nun thing, right?
I am so glad I don't have to deal with
this kind of stuff anymore.
I am officially retired from sex.
Not sure how many of you
have heard the news,
but not sure how many
of you read "Juggs.
"
It got too political.
That's why I turned to "Cans.
"
Max, what are you talking about?
You can't retire from sex.
It's your thing, like Cheetos
or zeroing in on
people's vulnerabilities.
What? Sorry, I was
distracted by your nose pimple.
I just feel like I need
to get out of the game.
I had a good run, just ask
literally anybody.
But now it's your turn.
Well, when one pair of legs closes,
another one opens.
Yeah, that's what Polish Oprah says.
And you get hanged
if you disagree with her.
Yep.
Max, it doesn't take a genius
although my Facebook IQ
test says I qualify as one
to know that this
whole retirement thing
is about your breakup with Randy.
It also said you had 362 friends.
And we all know you barely have one.
This has nothing to do with Randy.
My sex throne is yours now.
I would maybe put a towel down.
Max, you can't get out of the game
just when I'm getting back in.
I wanted us to have sex together.
Well, clear up that nose zit,
and we'll talk.
Speaking of nose zits.
Han, Max is about to give up sex.
Tell her how bad life is without it.
It's actually quite rich.
I was just saying to Mossimo
down at the boccie court
Thank you! I rest my case.
And tomorrow I'm taking golf lessons
thanks to our community board.
Apparently, I don't
meet the weight minimum
for Krav Maga.
You know what? I'll go with you.
Retired people love golf.
Just like you lesbians.
Welcome to the club.
Oh, look, we just made a golf pun.
This is gonna be fun!
I hope to God you know
what you're doing.
If I am gonna have sex with
Bobby, I need new underwear.
My current pair has more holes
than the plot of Arrival.
So you came here?
There's no lube aisle.
None of the mannequins
are doing each other.
This is a classy lingerie store,
not Second-Hand Hose.
I got kicked out of there.
I ate a pair of edible underwear
and I put the box back on the shelf.
Ladies, I'm Rita.
Welcome to the Art of Seduction,
where seduction begins with
A shot of tequila
and ends with a shot of penicillin?
Not what I was going to say at all.
What can I help you ladies with?
Uh, she has a third date
situation happening.
Do you have anything
that says "Grand Reopening"?
I want to be naughty.
But I get cold.
I found your shoelace section,
but where is the underwear?
That is underwear,
and you're holding it backwards.
Oh, sure, I see it now.
Let's go to Target.
And, uh, what about you?
Any third dates coming up?
Actually, no.
I am retired, sexually.
Took the sock off the door
and now I'm wearing it.
Come on, Max, we both know you're not
really retired from sex.
We are two young, sexual beings.
Where are you supposed to wear this?
That's a purse.
Uh, if I'm not retired,
then why did Larry Flynt
send me a gold watch,
thanking me for my 20 years of cervix.
How about this teddy?
I just need simple underwear.
I was a nice presentation
for my noony-noo.
Look, it doesn't matter what you wear.
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