1
Here's your fish of the day.
That day is last Monday.
Excuse me, miss?
There's a hair in my meatloaf.
This never happens.
Oleg!
We got a H-34 at T-2!
A hair? That's impossible.
Let me put some pants on.
I am so sorry
that you ordered the meatloaf.
Shouldn't he be in a hairnet?
He should be in a prison.
Good news.
It's not mine.
That Propecia's really paying off.
Obviously, it's not mine.
I'm blonde.
You're not blonde everywhere.
I love carpet-and-drapes talk.
I want my money back.
Me too.
Well, it ain't mine.
Last time my hair was this long,
I was a back-up dancer on Solid Gold.
Han!
We got a customer
with a hair up his butt
and one in his meatloaf.
Step aside.
Let an expert through.
Look, it's "Law and Order: SAD.
"
It's brown, somewhere between
coffee and burnt sienna,
cleaned hastily with a
combination shampoo-body wash.
Mm, this hair belongs
to a single white man
alone, and not by choice,
but so set in his ways
Okay!
It's mine!
Next time you want a free meal,
order the fish of the day.
Am I right, ma'am?
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
Hey, can I order something?
I'm gonna need to see some ID.
I'm getting the itch
to hit the road again
and I'll need a new identity.
I'll have a Moscow Mule.
Uh, how about a Jolly Rancher shot?
They're one of our signature drinks,
served with a side of my finger-guns.
How about a Moscow Mule
since that's what I just ordered?
Oh, are you sure?
The shot glasses are made
of actual Jolly Ranchers.
Kids love 'em.
One Moscow Mule coming up.
All righty.
You don't know how to make one, do you?
No clue.
How 'bout I just make it myself?
Hmm, while you're at it,
I'll have a Jack and Coke.
Always wanted to know what was in that.
Max, what's that guy doing behind you?
Oh (scoffs)
You know I never look
when they're back there.
Look, you can't let
people serve themselves.
Again, not everything
is a Hometown Buffet.
Uh, if it were, I'd be eating a biscuit
with macaroni and pudding on top.
People aren't ordering
our signature drinks.
They want real ones, and I only know
how to make the stuff on the menu.
And Molly lollipops,
which I call "Mollipops.
"
Then let me do it.
And is that why I slept for
three days after Halloween?
Can I get a greyhound?
Greyhound
Oh (scoffs)
I don't drive for them anymore.
Politics!
Uh, you heard the man.
We're not paying you
to just stand around.
You're not paying me at all.
Not with that attitude.
Believe me, if we could afford
a bartender, we'd hire one.
This obviously isn't working
out for either of us.
Ahem! (clears throat)
Was there a problem with your service?
Max, we need to talk about
what happened last night.
Oh, crap, you said
you were on the pill.
We need someone at the dessert bar
who knows how to make real drinks.
Not that your
"cigarette butt and tonic"
wasn't a hit.
You said we couldn't
afford a bartender
or a mechanical bull,
which would have
paid for itself by now.
Here's my idea.
We are going to
bartending school so we can
and don't kick me be the best
no pinching, not my nose
business we can be!
- G'doink.
- Oh.
You didn't say anything about G'doinks.
What do you think? 'Cause we're already
signed up and it's non-refundable.
I took your share
out of your piggy bong.
(gasps)
You stole from Cheech and Change?
(baby crying)
Okay, you can say you hate the idea,
but you don't have to cry about it.
Man, this baby's more full of crap
than a Coldplay album.
Fine, I'll change your diaper,
but when you grow up,
you're going to have
to return the favor.
SOPHIE: The diaper goes the other way!
Earl, did that doll just talk
or are the voices
telling me to kill again?
No, no, it's been
yelling at me all day.
Between this and the police chatter
I pick up on my hearing aid,
it's like a damn party in my head.
Roger that.
Can this doll get any creepier?
SOPHIE: Takes one to
know one, Caroline.
Asked and answered.
Hey.
Can't a lady have a smoke and a tinkle
without having to worry about her baby?
You were watching us from the toilet?
Can't you just hold your nose
and hover like everyone else?
It's my surveillance doll.
Look.
It's hooked up to an app in my phone.
Look, she's got
cameras in her eyeballs;
she's got a microphone in her mouth;
and look, a laser pointer in her butt.
Is that the American Girl
Doll PATRIOT Act edition?
Isn't she cute?
Look, she's like my twin,
only more alive.
Thank you
for keeping your eye on Barbara.
BOTH: Aww.
Well, thanks so much.
I'd pay you, but I know you're
too proud to take the money.
Uh, actually, the medical
bills are piling up, Sophie.
- Well, see you later!
- And I could really use
If you need a free
babysitter, that guy.
Is it just me
or is it hot and blurry in here?
Pardon me, sir.
Oh, my God, Han.
You're covered in spots
and you're delirious.
You have chicken pox.
You also have chicken legs,
so I guess you're even.
Han, you have to go home.
You're contagious.
And not like my laugh.
(laughs)
Welcome to the Dinersburg Williams.
Who said that?
You did! You have to go home.
Well, I suppose I could get into bed
and Hulu a little Mindy Project.
And, boy, is she a project.
(giggles)
Han looked pretty unsteady.
Do you think someone should
make sure he gets home okay?
Don't worry so much.
He'll be fine.
See? Fine.
I know this is just bartending class,
but gum, please?
That was chewing tobacco, FYI.
We need to take this seriously, Max.
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