- So I've been online and I've met a man
and we're taking our
relationship to the next level
and we're admitting we're
boyfriend girlfriend.
So I never thought
there'd be guys out there
who are straight, they like girls,
but they just want a chick with a dick,
isn't that the weirdest?
- [Justin] Yes, does it worry you
'cause you're thinking
of getting rid of your...
- Oh no he doesn't mind that.
- [Justin] Are you
worried he might be gay?
- I thought that, but he's not, so yeah.
I'm not trying to look like a woman,
I think I am a woman,
an unfortunate one to have
a penis, hairy, and fat.
I've learned through the internet
there are guys out there who love me
that I have a penis.
But I want to be a woman with a vagina.
I want to be a heterosexual woman
being loved by a heterosexual male.
(jazzy organ music)
- [Justin] I met Graham in
Whangarei a few years earlier
through a friend of a friend.
- Oh, pretty.
- [Justin] He told me that he was planning
on becoming a woman
and invited me to document his journey.
At the time,
I didn't realize I was committing
to five years of filming.
On the day we start,
Graham is living in a sleepout
at the back of his parents' house,
but has not yet told his
family about his plans.
In fact, he's not even
chosen a female name.
- Elizabeth Taylor, doing a
little bit of light research.
Cindy Crawford, Basic Face.
- [Justin] What for, research for...
- Just on fabulousness.
I don't know, women in the 50's
were far more gorgeous and glamorous
than what they are nowadays, really.
I mean look at it, she's gorgeous.
- [Justin] Is that what
you'd like to look like?
- Oh God no, I could never look that good.
- [Justin] But what if you
could look like anything,
who would it be?
What would it be?
- The one, the only, the Audrey.
She's just the best.
As you can see, we look nothing alike.
- [Justin] So you haven't decided
when you're gonna tell...
- Maybe Christmas.
- [Justin] Christmas day?
- Oh God no.
Mind you, they'll say, well
at least you got us a present.
- [Justin] So you do fear it,
it is a scary thing?
- Oh, beyond petrified, it really is.
- [Justin] Whangarei is New
Zealand's most northern city,
but with a population
of only 50,000 people,
it's possibly not the easiest place
to be non-conforming.
There are no gay bars here,
and at 25 years old,
Graham says that he's never even met
another transgendered person.
- I act all self-assured
and absolutely out there
and I am, but at the same time,
I'm scared about what
people might think or say
now that I'm making such a
larger, more obvious statement
what I'm trying to do.
I've chosen the name Ashleigh,
and I've tried to tell people,
try calling me Ashleigh,
try calling me she,
'cause I thought at first,
oh no just call me Graham,
call me he, but if I think about it
if I really want to start
doing what I wanna be
I have to start living
like a woman as a woman.
I told my mum, and I cried,
and I don't know why, but you do,
and I said I wanna become a woman.
And she goes oh, then we had a hug.
Which is odd 'cause we're
not a hugging family, anyway.
She told dad for me
and I haven't spoken
to him since about it,
we haven't even bridged it.
I mean I'm wearing makeup and stuff.
- I had a suspicion for a long time
that he was a bit
different from other boys.
But my wife, she was a bit tearful
for a couple of days afterwards.
But it didn't affect me like that,
I just sort of take it in me stride.
- [Justin] Why was your wife tearful?
- [Shirley] She'd brought
him up as a son, I suppose.
- At work, they still call me Graham.
They just can't seem to
understand the difference
between a gay person and a transgender.
- [Justin] Do you explain that to them?
- You try and like you say,
just think of me as a chick,
like with a deformity,
or not, well literally a deformity,
'cause I'm not a man wanting a man,
I'm a woman wanting a man.
And they go oh yeah, I get it now.
I just think they have these
lapses of forgetfulness.
I think once I start getting things done,
I'm gonna notice the change
and wanna make more changes, you know?
It's just that I'm, I
still don't like dresses
'cause they don't suit me.
I don't like singlet tops
'cause I'm too fat as it is.
Just like a fat woman would.
I prefer pants any day
I want to be considered really attractive.
I wanna become a model,
I thought being a model would be fun.
I want to have beautiful big breasts
that a guy would love.
I want to be a heterosexual woman
being loved by a heterosexual male.
Not even have any doubts in him,
like oh that's an odd-looking woman.
My fear is I won't be passable.
I don't want to look like a man,
'cause I've seen some,
and there are just some
men that wanna be women
but they just don't look like women
and my fear is I won't look like a female.
- What's your plans in the long term?
- [Ashleigh] I wanna be a woman.
- In terms of having surgery?
- [Ashleigh] Yeah everything.
- You might well find
if we increase the dose
the maximum sort of dose
is the both estrogen and spironolactone,
that you will get less hair growth,
more breast development.
You might psychologically feel better,
and you'll get a reduction
in penile size as well,
because you're trying
to almost put someone
into a eunuch state.
- Estrogen, female.
And TA, that is the
testosterone suppressant.
So this stops the little guys downstairs
and this is to make me get pretty.
- [Justin] How do you know
that you will be happy with your body
if you had breasts and a vagina?
- It's just the fact
that I'll be acknowledged
as a woman, which is what I wanna be,
and to be a woman, these
things are important.
I don't like being a man.
But as I said, I've never
been terribly masculine.
- [Justin] You think
it might've stopped you
from being able to to be comfortable
getting into a relationship with somebody?
- Definitely because
the relationship I want
is a heterosexual relationship
where I love a man
who loves me back as a woman.
- [Justin] And you'll be in a relationship
with a straight man, not a gay man?
- No not at all, 'cause I'm not gay.
I know I'm a straight woman
but for me it isn't a sexuality issue,
it's a body issue.
I always knew as a child growing up.
I used to play in my
mum's clothes in secret,
wear the shoes.
And when I was even younger
mum used to say...
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