HOST: Please welcome
to the stage, Caitlin Lee.
Oh, my! Um
I just want to thank you all
from the bottom of my heart.
I really didn't expect to win,
so I haven't prepared anything.
I can't believe they
gave it to that c t.
Okay people are still
looking at you.
Just breathe.
Okay, she's making a joke.
(FAKE LAUGHTER)
Oh.
She's talking about her mother.
CAITLIN: In fact, I'd like
to thank all mothers.
- The cameras are on you.
Keep smiling.
- CAITLIN: You are an inspiration.
- CAITLIN: You are life.
- And clap.
CAITLIN: You are the world.
(APPLAUSE)
- Stand.
- Really?
Stand.
CAITLIN: Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Jesus Christ, how many cocks
did she eat to bag that one?
Talentless little scrunt.
FML.
I need some fucking
- Chang.
- Thank you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, God! Oh, I'm so sorry.
Alexa.
This totally belongs to you.
Oh, God, no, no, no, no.
The best woman won.
I'm just honored to be
mentioned in the same
breath as those incredible women.
Do you want to hold it?
Caitlin! Well done!
I'm just gonna do a wee.
I'll touch it later.
(CHUCKLES)
EVE: Well played, sir.
I can't tell when they're worse.
When they win or when they lose.
Win definitely.
It makes
them feel invincible.
I remember when Jimmy won a BAFTA.
He made me order him nine prostitutes,
none of which he consummated.
Naturally.
Goosed Sir lan Mckellen, got arrested
for banging on the wall of KFC
with his statuette at 5:00 am, demanding
they make him a family bucket.
Awards should just
stop after sports day.
You shouldn't get a gold
statue for doing your job.
I spent my afternoon
doing her bikini line,
because she's too shy to get her
muff out in front of strangers.
- Where's my gold star?
- Ladies.
So sad to see Alexa miss out.
Anything she'd like
to say about the winner?
She felt it was well deserved.
And
she was just happy to be nominated.
'Course she was.
Maybe I'll
catch her in the toilets later.
Right, well I'm off to the bar.
Apparently, Sherzinger is
on her fifth Caipirinha.
And is getting chatty.
Enjoy your night.
I don't know why they let her kind in.
They're like Vultures.
Stalking in to peck on the carrion.
What happened to them as children?
All they do is bitch.
All right, hungry hippo, save
some calories for the champagne.
Okay.
I better go make sure Lex is
not snorting herself into oblivion.
Cool.
I'm gonna see how many
goody bags I can smuggle.
You.
You're with me.
Bag the
candles and the cosmetics.
Bin the mints and programs.
Dead weight.
SAM: This is nice.
Finishing work at the
same time for a change.
Romantic dinner for two.
Hey.
I was listening to a podcast
about those the other day.
Did you know that they're made from
mechanically Separated chicken?
Mmm-hmm.
Basically, the entire chicken is
smashed and pressed through a sieve.
Eyes, bones, guts,
all that nasty, manky stuff.
And it comes out as
this pink, meaty jelly.
That they shape into nuggets.
- You're an asshole.
- (LAUGHS)
Oh, my God, we had this
old boy in today, right?
So, I don't know if this
guy had a really long body,
or was just wearing
a ladies gown, right?
But Ravi is trying to give this guy
the results of his test, okay?
And as he's talking to
him, all you can see
are these ancient, beige bollocks,
dangling down the bottom of his
gown like a hypnotist's watch
(LAUGHS) Ugh.
And Ravi, right, he's
proper trying to give
this guy some serious news, but
The more agitated the bloke got,
the more they seemed
to jiggle up and down!
- I swear it was like a Newton's cradle.
- (GIGGLES)
- Mmm!
- What?
- It's nice seeing you laugh that's all.
- I laugh all the time.
You fake laugh.
You work laugh.
(EXAGGERATED FAKE LAUGH)
Not the real one.
The piggy, snorty one.
- Piss off.
- That's the one I like!
That's my Robyn laugh.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Feels like you've been
a bit out of sauce, lately.
- Sorts.
- Hmm?
Out of sorts, not out of sauce.
That doesn't make any sense.
It makes perfect sense.
I'd be
miserable if I was out of sauce.
So, um, I was reading this
thing earlier, right?
And it said if you're trying for a
baby, you should avoid certain fish.
Because of the mercury right.
Apparently it bio-accumulates
in large predators.
Do we have to talk about this right now?
- I was just making conversation.
- Well, make different conversation.
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