5. Rodney (第1季)【完整台词】

Never let it be said that being an asshole doesn't get you what you want.

No thanks.

Oh, come on.

Don't abstain on my account.

If I had to sit next to me for an entire flight, I would take what I could get.

Do it.

Mmm.

Nostrovia.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, shit.

Oh, God.

What the hell, I hate I hate blocked numbers.

They make me paranoid.

I'm really sorry, sir, you're gonna have to turn off the phone.

It'll just be two seconds.

I'm afraid we're about to take off.

Like I said, two seconds.

Excuse me, sir, is there a problem? Not that I'm aware of.

I'd just like to answer my phone, if that's all right with you.

All mobile devices must be switched to airplane mode for the duration.

What's gonna happen? We're sitting on the fucking tarmac.

We can't exactly fall out of the sky.

They'll leave a message.

I'm sorry about that.

(DINGS) PILOT: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain.

There's a bit of congestion in front of us, but we hope to be on our way.

So how did a Philadelphia girl end up in this game? I enjoy it.

It makes the most of my natural talents.

Which are? Lying and drinking.

(CHUCKLES) Ran away to the big city, seeking fortune and glory.

Something like that.

Why? - Why what? - Why'd you run away? Do you care? Do I have to? Look, we're stuck together for the next seven hours.

We might as well get to know each other.

I'll go first.

I was born in butthole nowhere (CHUCKLES) to a half-Irish dad who sold cutlery and hated his life.

Mom bagged groceries, and just stayed out of his way.

I was always the Smartass little punk.

Just How I ended up doing this.

I started off in the theater in New York.

I loved it.

The smell of it, women.

Mmm Makeup.

Sweat, cigarettes.

Women.

(BOTH LAUGH) I mean, I had no idea what I was doing.

But it didn't matter.

I I grew a beard, I started chain-smoking pot, and I just growled my way through it.

I mean, no craft in sight.

And all the theater snobs were up in arms but everybody else, they just went crazy for it.

'Cause they were looking for something real.

You know? That That was the thing in those days.

You had to be authentic.

And these days, character actors.

What, he's like Just the fat friend you know, and wants to have sex with.

But back then, front and center.

And the bigger asshole you were, the more authentic it was.

And if there is anything that I do well, it's Be an asshole.

I mean, screw vocal warm-ups.

You wanna be taken seriously? Spend your morning dropping acid and banging hookers.

I mean, can you imagine that these days, with these pretty little pricks, with their their arms, and their Their tights.

They're not allowed to eat any carbs, and are always terrified they're gonna get in trouble.

With people like me? You're the ones who get us out of trouble, aren't you? (CHUCKLES) Go ahead.

What? That wasn't free.

(SIGHS) Okay.

Um My mom never worked.

She was one of those women that just got men to do things for her, if you know what I mean.

I know exactly what you mean.

So after her and my dad got married, she never had a job.

I mean, she tried a couple of times, never lasted.

So my dad had to work his ass off to keep us going whilst she did her thing, and everybody loved her.

Except the people who love her.

- You still with me? - You kidding me? It's gonna be on my tombstone.

So, as soon as I could, I got myself this job at a deli counter, a few blocks up from our house.

And I'm working with this older woman one day, and I have a flashback.

And suddenly, I'm, like, five years old and I'm watching my mom buy pickles off the same woman.

And I knew it was her, 'cause she had this weird growth on her eyelid, that looked like a Rice Krispy, and my sister was scared of her 'cause she thought she was a witch And it just suddenly hit me that this woman had spent my entire life selling pickles.

I'd gone through puberty, lost my virginity, learnt to drive.

I got kicked out of high school.

And during this entire time, she'd just been there selling pickles.

I mean, fuck me.

So I got on a bus.

Good for you.

I met Caroline when I was waitressing at a function.

She was running the New York office.

She was looking after a client, he got a bit greedy with the champagne and decided to go for a swim in the chocolate fountain.

I helped sneak him out of the service entrance.

A week later, I showed up at her office, and asked for a job.

She let me make coffee for a month.

For free.

I admire that.

That's That's The little hustle.

It's a dying art these days.

Caroline moved back to the London office, and asked if I wanted to come.

My sister was already there, so Nothing to keep you in New York? Nothing.

(PHONE CHIMES) See, told you they'd leave a message.

(DINGS) PILOT: Ladies and gentlemen, we do apologize for the delay.

There's just been a bit of congestion on the runway, but we'll be in the air very shortly.

- Two seconds.

- Oh! Jesus! Two seconds.

Oh.

Kidding me? MAN OVER PA: Ladies and gentlemen, we are currently next in line for takeoff, and should be airborne in Daddy, I don't like it.