- Morning.
- How's things?
Thanks, Paul.
Looking good, by the way.
- Lost some weight?
- Cut out sugar.
Well, it's working.
(ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(WOMEN MOANING)
(MUFFLED SPEAKING)
Wrong room.
As you were.
(LOUD SMACK)
Hi.
I'm sorry to bother you.
You couldn't just give
us a minute, could you?
- Of course.
- (MUFFLED GASPS)
Hi, Patrick.
Oh! Thank God you're here.
The lads, they were having a laugh.
- It's time to go.
- Yeah, of course.
Great.
I wasn't
I thought it was a normal bar.
You're getting married in 11 hours.
Yeah.
- Wicked.
- Outside in five?
I might need a bit of a hand with the
CAROLINE: Okay, ladies.
I don't need to remind you
that today is a huge day for us.
Footballers' weddings are the
Mogadishu of the PR calendar.
The perfect fucking storm
of brainless overpaid wankers
given the night off from
running around kicking things.
They will fight, they will drink,
they will try to put their
penises into everything.
(COUGHS)
Next time it will be a glass.
Remember, footballers are pack
animals who stay in pairs.
Alongside them will be the
usual array of chair fillers
who would attend the opening of a fridge
if they thought it would get them
name-checked by Perez Hilton.
It's down to us to ensure
that things run smoothly,
that our clients get the
inches for the right reasons,
and we avoid deaths, rapes
and legal suits.
We control the agenda.
This means everyone on point,
no hangovers, no menstruating,
no substance which might impair
your professional judgement.
You can Speedball your tiny tits off
if it makes you better at your job.
But if it affects your work,
and thus, my work,
then when you get home, you shall
find me hiding under your bed
with a garden hose
and a length of razor wire.
Tonight, you will earn
your fucking money.
We are the Guardians Of The Galaxy.
Don't fuck it up.
Go.
Okay, make sure you've got
your clothes for tonight
as there'll be none of this
"going home to change" bollocks.
Sexy, not slutty
or you will get touched.
Hard copies of the guest list,
seating plans,
I want faces in full view
of the cameras,
in order of importance.
How do I know who's more important?
Rate them on a slidey scale
from Royals and Olympians
to Made in Chelseas and the exes
of Cheryl Tweedy Cole Fernandez.
Oh and the Olympians who've won medals
and Winter Olympics don't count.
Unless, of course, they're super hot
in which case they get a by.
Got it.
ROBYN: All phones should be
taken on entry, no exceptions.
Plus, any recording devices,
iPads, GoPros, fucking Etch A Sketches,
metal detector, full frisk,
rubber-glove-and-vaseline
treatment, if necessary.
It's only gonna take one Instagram
to blow the HELLO! deal.
Last celebrity wedding I went to,
I ended up doing shots of Frangelico
in a hot tub with the Pussycat Dolls.
The redhead, who looks like a
sex robot from the future,
decided to show off her standing splits.
Kicked Claudia Winkleman in the face.
Chipped tooth, she had
to have it veneered.
I'm sure there's
a moral there somewhere.
- Is Sam coming tonight?
- Yes, he is.
He's been a Chelsea supporter
since he was a kid.
Fun.
No, really.
Tom will be there, too.
So, it will be like a play date.
- So, you two are
- Well, I'm in love with him so
I know, annoying isn't it?
That shit always gets in the
way of a good relationship.
MELODY: Thank you so much.
Bye.
(GRUNTS) Balls.
- What?
- Stormzy's just pulled out.
- That's like the 5th one this morning.
- What are our numbers at?
Ughh, eleven, that's including three
Sky Sports news presenters.
Sky Sports hotties or Sky
Sports hairy old men?
One hottie, two hairy old men.
Balls.
(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)
What's our quota?
HELLO! want 15 with at least six A's.
ROBYN: Melody, make some calls,
round up some more people.
But the wedding's in four hours.
Why are you still talking to us then?
MELODY: What if I can't find anyone?
EVE: Then find yourself a new job.
Oh, you have to get
paid to call it a job.
Oh, punchy.
I like it.
Has anyone ever told you
you look skinnier when you
stand up for yourself?
Anyone who has something to
promote and wants a free dinner.
Tell them that you made some phone calls
and you managed to buy them an invite
to the wedding of the decade.
God, look at this place.
It's like Patrick Bateman
went on Queer Eye.
ROBYN: Speaking of which Robyn.
(SPEAKING IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
Yes.
Right, fellas.
This is Robyn, my PR,
that's Eve, and that's Melody.
MAN: You guys all right to
contribute, like a chat, yeah?
That is sweet.
Thank you for last night.
If it's all right, can we not
discuss this in front of
Patrick, relax.
Okay, great.
Um
Has anyone got any coke?
It's 10:10.
I've got some.
Eve, go check on the bridesmaids.
Fine.
Come on, Bilbo.
- You excited?
- Yeah.
Have you seen the pagoda in the garden?
The decorators are getting
swans and shit out there.
- It's gonna be sick.
- I'm sure it is.
How's Bianca?
I don't know.
Do you reckon a baby-blue
suit would look good
or is that a bit gay?
I think it will be perfect.
Do you remember everything we discussed?
HELLO! is going to be here
until 5:00 pm.
So, until that moment there
is absolutely no more booze,
no drugs, no bad behavior,
no Twitter, no Insta.
You are Prince Charming.
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