Though washing one's hands 20 to 30 times a day IS obsessive-compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner.
Thank you for your call.
Roz, whom do we have next? Ethan is having a problem at school.
- Hello, Ethan.
I'm listening.
- 'Hi, Dr Crane.
' - How old are you? - 'I'm 13.
'I'm having problems with the other kids.
They're always beating me up.
' Why do you think that's so? 'Because I'm smart.
I have a 160 IQ.
'I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports.
' Well, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity.
I know it doesn't help much now but the day will come when you will have the last laugh.
'That's it? ' Yes.
'I find that advice patronising, simplistic and uninspired.
'The real surprise here is they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
' - Ethan, where are you calling from? - 'Home.
' If any of Ethan's classmates are listening you know where he is, and he can't stay there forever.
Thank you for your call.
That's about it for today.
This is Frasier Crane KACL talk radio, 780AM.
- That was a pretty good show, eh? - Sure, whatever you say.
- Got another one of your hot dates? - If you must know, yes.
- Pick you up outside in five minutes? - Great.
Thanks, Noel.
Noel? Noel Shemsky from Sales? That's who your date is with? We're just having a drink.
Noel, the Mole? I know he's not great-looking, I know he drives a '73 Dodge Polaris, but he's always struck me as a really interesting guy.
The world's full of superficial guys.
He's got a good heart, he's smart, he's substantial, and considering my track record lately, I'd expect your support.
Does Noel still have that autographed picture of Captain Kirk in his cubicle? Why do I tell you anything? Knock, knock! Can I be of any assistance? Oh, no thank you.
I have everything under control.
Mind if I linger? I've always been sort of a kitchen person.
Suit yourself.
I like the company.
So how is Dad's therapy going? We can see more mobility in his hip and his flexibility is improving, but it's a chore to get him to do his exercises.
But if I bribe him with sweets Oh, my goodness! Oh, Dr Crane! Dr Crane, can you get up? No, I'll stay here for a few minutes.
Niles, what are you doing? - He conked his head on the hood.
- You are shameless! I have a sore head and a crackerjack lawyer, so don't crowd me.
- Here, put this on it.
- You've been wonderful in this crisis.
Oh, come on, Camille.
I need to talk to you.
I'm having a young lady over on Friday.
- Could you take Dad out? - I wish you'd said Saturday.
You have plans Friday? - No, I have plans Saturday.
Please.
Oh, all right.
So, does this mean you're hoping to get lucky? Please, nobody refers to having sex as "getting lucky" any more.
I do.
- Hello, boys.
- (Both) Hi, Dad.
Would you like to join Maris and me Friday night? We're dying to try the new rib joint on Bellevue Way.
If the onion rings aren't as big as your head, you get them for free.
Thanks, but I thought I'd just spend a quiet evening at home.
Oh, well Why don't you come to our house? We'll make dinner and we'll even rent an Angie Dickinson film.
What's going on? Frasier wants me out of here because he's got a date? I'm sorry, he sees things that others don't.
I should have asked you myself.
I'll clear out, but remember, one hand washes the other around here.
- What does that mean? - You can clear out for me Thursday.
I got a date with Elaine in 1412.
How long has this been going on? She's had me over for coffee.
I'd like to have her over for dinner.
Niles, wipe that stupid smirk off your face.
- What do you say? - Terrific.
If there's a lull in the conversation we've got board games, playing cards.
Does she play Canasta? And PBS has a documentary on the swing bands of the '30s and '40s.
Thanks, boys.
We'll have creamed corn, rub liniment into each other's joints and fall asleep drooling on the couch.
(Frasier) Morning, Daphne.
Morning.
I want to thank you again for the show last night.
I've never been to experimental theatre before.
What did it mean when the naked man came in carrying the suitcase? Well, I think it meant that he packed too much.
I'm sure your father was glad to have us out.
What is that heavenly aroma? Traditional English breakfast.
We have eggs and bangers, or sausages, and a batch of Grammy Moon's famous sticky buns.
Oh, my, that's it! Grammy used to add a pint of rum to the recipe and nobody liked these more than Grammy.
I'd go to her house and find her out in the garden in a wedding dress face down in the birdbath.
- Morning! - Morning, Dad.
So how was your date last night? It feels strange, a son asking his father how his date was last night when he could ask the date herself.
Elaine, this is Daphne, my son Frasier.
This is Elaine Morris.
- Yes, hello.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
I know Dad's wanted to have you for a long time.
I mean for dinner.
Well, I certainly enjoyed it.
But I should be going.
No, you should at least stay for breakfast.
I could stay for coffee.
(Frasier) Splendid, splendid.
What did you two kids do last night? Did you play some games? I mean, board games.
Not that you were bored or excited.
Well Not that I'd know anything or should, but Warm buns, Elaine.
No, not yours.
I mean, ours, to eat.
Here, I'll have one.
Mmm Warm.
- Let's go sit at the table.
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