He calls himself a quarterback? I've passed kidney stones more accurately.
Roz, could you get my briefcase? I left it in the studio.
Why don't you go get it? He always humiliates me on the air.
What do you think he does to me? Last week, he introduced me as Martina Navratilova's girlfriend.
Chuck, I'm sorry I offended you.
Now, why don't you put your skirt back on and do some dishes? The lines are open.
How about some real men calling in instead of crybabies like Chuck? Ah! Look who just crawled in: Dr Frasier Crane.
And you know what we do when we get a house call from the doctor.
(ltalian accent) 'Drop your pants, bend over.
I take your temperature.
' Hello, Bulldog.
Who's your pick for the Giants/Saints game this weekend? - The Giants.
- No.
- The Saints.
- No.
- Somebody has to win.
- If they were playing this weekend! (Donkey brays) Very funny.
You should play it on my show.
It deserves to be heard by a larger audience.
Hee-haw! Hee-haw! (Doorbell) Hello, Dr Crane.
- I brought this for dinner.
- Hey, Niles.
You're early.
I put Maris on the train to Chicago.
I am desolate without her.
Champagne? It goes with all occasions.
- Can I assist you in the kitchen? - No, I have everything well in hand.
Ah, well, lucky everything.
Mmm Uh-uh Uh-uh - What would you do? - Take that corn nut off the board.
That's my bishop.
Eddie ate the real one.
In that case, corn nut to rook 7.
Hello, all.
Evening.
Your brother brought champagne! Oh, Maris left for Chicago already? She's riding the rails as we speak.
Why doesn't she fly instead? She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
Did her plane almost crash? No, she was bumped from first class.
She still wakes up screaming.
- Frasier, I got a favour to ask you.
- What is it? A buddy of mine is running the Widows and Orphans Fund benefit, and he needs some local celebrities for his bachelor auction.
If we could get somebody really famous from the radio station - I'd be delighted to help.
- So you'll ask Bulldog? - Bulldog? - Oh, well, you know I Well, I mean Don't get me wrong, I was going to ask you, too.
- I was just saving the best for last.
- Uh-huh.
If he back-pedals any faster, he'll trip over his walker.
All right, I'll do it.
I really appreciate it.
- You won't forget to ask Bulldog? - I'll leave a note on his hydrant.
Oh, a bachelor auction.
It'd be fun to pick a man off the block to do my bidding and fulfil my every desire.
- Doctor Crane? - I'd love to.
I mean I Uh Frasier? What if no one bids? What if you're left standing there with flop sweat trickling down your back amidst a great gaping silence? - It'll never happen.
- Thank you, Dad.
Yeah, we got a band.
(Auctioneer) Our next bachelor on the block is public TV's own cute and cuddly Mr Science! (Women cheer and yell) God, the oestrogen level is off the charts out there.
Yeah, isn't it great! Deep down, chicks are just like guys - we all want the same thing.
Frasier Crane does not put out.
All they're getting is a gourmet meal - and a handshake at the door.
- Boring! My date gets a stretch limo, dinner, floor seats at the Sonics game, and these incredible buns of steel.
Feel them, Doc.
C'mon, feel them! Thank you, no.
(Women shout) Ladies, keep your articles of clothing off the stage.
Show these women celebrity beefcake and they go nutso! Typical mob mentality.
I hope the fire exits are clearly marked.
Relax, will you? You're not the one jumping into the Rottweiler pit carrying a pork chop.
Hey, That's T.
J.
Smith he's a linebacker for the Seahawks! They call him "The Enforcer".
He's put two quarterbacks in hospital.
T.
J.
, Marty Crane! - Number 19? - Please don't make me go out there.
Oh You'll be fine.
Just go on out there and have a good time.
(Women scream and yell) They're gonna have him for breakfast.
(Door opens.
Women scream and yell) How was it? They're like sharks in a feeding frenzy.
The one who bought me looked crazed.
Where do I pay? - Roz! - I saw what I wanted and I went after it.
Stay! Number 20? - That's me.
- I really appreciate this.
Having somebody like you in the auction really adds class.
If the bidding gets slow, drop a quarter and take a couple of minutes to pick it up, huh? (Auctioneer) Sold! To that determined lady in the back row for $500! (Women cheer) - So, Doc, who bought you? - No idea.
The last thing I remember is someone shouting out: "Shake your money maker!" - Number 21.
- Ladies, start your engines! (Women cheer) Doctor Crane? Kristina Harper.
I just bought you.
You bought me? Yeah.
I listen to your show.
I'm a big fan of yours.
Well, how wonderful.
You bought me for $500.
That's a lot of money.
I did a layout for "Seattle Style".
- Are you a photographer? - No, I'm a model.
A model! How wonderful! For you How about Friday? OK.
I live at the Elliot Bay Towers.
Around seven? - Sounds great.
See you then.
- Bye.
That's my new owner.
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