(Man on phone) 'I've tried diet after diet 'from milk shakes three times a day to that lady on TV.
Nothing works.
' Hank, listen.
You've got to look inside yourself.
Part of you isn't being fed.
'Lt certainly isn't my butt.
' I'm talking about your inner self.
What isn't being fed there? Love? Career? Simple self-esteem? These are deep issues.
- 'So what do I do? ' - I'd suggest therapy.
Stay on the line and my producer will help you.
Roz, who's next? We have someone who disagrees with your advice to Hank.
Oh, really? Hello, you're on the line.
(Lilith) 'Congratulations, Frasier, you've done it again.
' 'You've led another unsuspecting innocent 'down one of your dark, Freudian hallways.
' Lilith? 'Overeating is a behavioural problem caused by negative reinforcement.
'Lt can be cured by behaviour modification.
' Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line.
This is my ex-wife Lilith.
'What do you mean by celebrity? ' Oh, they know you.
Roz, what does "call screening" mean? I put on the air the calls I wanna hear.
Lilith, what brings you to Seattle? The constant rain? 'I'm here for a convention and I heard you on the radio.
'I hoped you'd introduce Pearl Jam's latest hit, 'but you were doling out worthless advice pellets 'from your psychiatric Pez dispenser.
' I guess you'll be rushing off to your convention.
We'll catch up on your next trip.
'I'm not doing anything for dinner tonight.
' Then you'll want to keep tuned to 780 for Gil Chesterton's restaurant beat.
Why don't you ask her to dinner, Dr Crane? What a wonderful idea.
Let me tell you why, Seattle.
Although our marriage was unsuccessful, Lilith and I are capable of behaving as adults and even enjoying spending some time together from time to time.
- So, 7.
00 at my place? - 'Sounds great.
' In my day, when people broke up you hated each other.
What happened to the sanctity of divorce? - Dad, you never liked Lilith.
- She's weird.
- She is not weird.
- Oh, she's weird.
Well, maybe she's a little strange.
No.
Maris is a little strange.
Lilith is weird.
Gee, Dad.
I had no idea you preferred my wife to Frasier's.
Oh, my head! - Can I get you an aspirin, Daphne? - No, those are useless.
This is one of my psychic headaches.
There's some kind of negative force.
I get these when there's a clawing at the cosmic continuum.
Perhaps if someone rubbed your temples Niles! I'm sure she wants privacy while she contacts the mother ship.
Frasier, I'm here for support but I will not speak to Lilith.
This feud between you and Lilith is ridiculous.
Let it go.
- I can't recall what the fight was about.
- Let me refresh you.
At our wedding while Maris was reciting her vows - vows of love - I heard snickering.
I saw Lilith, fingers pressed against her lips, body shaking like a paint mixer.
(Doorbell) Now there she is.
It's just one evening.
Will you at least try to be civil? All right, but I refuse to be warm.
- Hello, Lilith.
- Frasier Please come in.
- Let me take these things for you.
- Thank you.
- Look who's here.
- Hello, Martin.
Hello, Niles.
(Both) Hello.
- Where's Maris? - Visiting her sister in Chicago.
I thought perhaps she was sailing up the transplendent river of your love.
Frasier, I like your apartment.
You have some beautiful things.
The settlement is final, Lilith.
Go away.
Why does he listen to you and not me? The tone of my voice means business.
Your voice is more commanding than mine? Hell, I took a half a step before I realized she was talking to the dog.
Oh, my Lord.
I've never had a throbbing like this.
Daphne, this is my ex-wife, Dr Lilith Sternin.
Lilith, this is Daphne Moon, Dad's physical therapist.
- Nice to meet you.
- An equal pleasure.
When I shook hands I lost all feeling in me arm.
Frasier, I'm going to use the phone.
Maris has a cold.
I want to be sure she's taking liquids.
Isn't it enough that she's eternally sipping of your perpetual adoration? Martin, I'm especially delighted to see you here tonight.
Oh, yeah? Knowing the history of your relationship with Frasier, when I'd heard he'd taken you in I flipped to the weather channel to see if hell had frozen over.
Frasier, how did you ever let this little peach get away? Dinner is nearly ready.
Let's move to the table.
Lilith, how is Frederick? I've enrolled him in a chess camp.
It's really quite stimulating.
For eight hours a day he sits with 300 other children mastering the Alhausen-Grob opening.
Shouldn't he be out in the fresh air? Every day they go for a nature walk.
Unfortunately, Frederick is allergic to seven varieties of ivy so he wears long sleeves and long pants, a bonnet with a net on it.
I hope the others don't make fun of him.
I'm sure they don't.
You know how kind kids can be (!) All he needs is a birthmark on his face and they'd beat him to death.
I chased him down an alley, then he pulled a knife so I gave him a few shots from my night stick.
Fascinating.
Were you at all aware of any repressed sexual urges while you were pummelling him so mercilessly? Yeah, but I didn't put them in the report.
You're having fun at my expense.
Not much.
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