Oh, look, Roz, my brochures are here! Oh, God, very exciting! Vacation! The Golden Door Spa! Look at those accommodations.
That is nice! I'll leave Dad to fend for himself, while I spend an obscene amount being pampered like a child.
What else are vacations for? What are you doing for your week off? Oh, I'm taking my mom to Ireland to stay in the hovel where her mother was born.
Just write the words "bad son" on my forehead! You deserve to pamper yourself.
After all, you do work three hours a day.
I'm sorry, that one even surprised me.
When I think of the relationship I have with my dad, I envy the relationship you have with your mother.
It didn't just happen.
We work at it.
We spend time together.
Dad lives with me.
How much more time together could we spend? Day-to-day living is different.
There is nothing better than taking a trip together.
You get to relax.
You get to see a different side of him.
In his entire life, my dad has never been to Europe.
It would be a way of connecting with him if I gave him that.
What would you charge me to take him to Ireland with you? (Moaning) I should have known this would happen.
I always throw out my back when I try to lift Maris's luggage.
- Why didn't you hire a skycap? - We did for most of it.
She won't trust strangers with her make-up case, ever since a porter dropped it and broke three vials of rare Swiss lamb placenta.
On the up side, the calfskin lining was never more soft and supple.
Where did Mrs Crane go? (Groaning) She's making her annual pilgrimage to the holy land.
Thought she was in Dallas, at her sister's.
That is her holy land.
The site of the first Nieman Marcus.
(Niles groans) - Oh, Dr Crane! - Oh, call me Niles! Thank you, Daphne.
Dad, I have a really exciting idea.
I want to take you on vacation! - Why? - I thought an adventure might give us a chance to have fun, get reacquainted, even do a little bonding.
- What did you have in mind? - It's not about where I want to go.
It's about where YOU want to go.
Dad, I give you the world.
The Gallie-pagos Islands, huh? Where iguanas, sea lions and giant tortoises live in eternal harmony.
Is it important they get along? No, I suppose not.
Oh, how about this? India and Nepal! "Trek the foothills of the Himalayas.
" - You're forgetting my old pal.
- No problem.
Frasier can hire a Sherpa to carry you on his back.
They don't mind.
We haven't struck the right chord yet, but we will.
- You suggest something.
- You really want to go with me? Yes, I do.
I'll go anywhere you want to! - OK! - I may not be as sophisticated as you, but I'd like to see America first.
Great! We'll see America! - And I want to see it in a Winnebago.
- A Winnebago! - That has a real ring to it! - Your mother and I dreamed about it.
Then that is the trip we're going to take.
- You really mean it? - Absolutely.
- This calls for a celebration.
- Let's pop open a couple of beers.
I think I got a bag of pork rinds in here, too.
Ah, the final touch! I almost feel like I'm in a trailer park already! Oh, Winnebago boy! Hang beach chairs on the back, and give it a name like "The Whoopin' Cranes"! When I agreed to see America with Dad, I thought it'd be five-star resorts.
By "together" I meant adjoining suites! - Tell him it's a bad idea.
- I can't.
He counts on it.
He was going to go with Mom.
Yes, but she lucked out and died! Niles, listen.
If Dad and I get into a Winnebago, only one of us will come out alive.
- You've got to come too.
- You're my brother.
You're entitled to my bone marrow and a kidney, but this is an imposition.
You got to come with us.
Frasier and I have nothing to talk about.
I feel more comfortable with somebody else around.
- Why did you suggest it? - It sounded good when I said it.
But thinking about it Can you see me and Frasier together all day, then crawling into bunks at night, lying head to head in the dark, bonding? I'll pay you.
I got pension money.
I remember a car trip when I was nine.
We drove from Seattle to Spokane.
All he said to me was, "I think we got a problem with your brother Frasier.
" Those were awful, those driving vacations.
Dad insisting on covering as many miles as possible, the two of us tiny hostages in the back seat, clutching our car-sickness bags, straining to see something as the landscape whizzed by.
I was 13 before I realised cows aren't blurry.
- Just tell him you don't want to go.
- I don't want to disappoint him.
I don't want to disappoint him.
I'm sorry, Frasier.
I am not a Winnebago person.
When I see one, I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that explains why in God's name he wants to do this.
All I see is a death stare under a hat made of Miller Lite cans.
This is my final word: I'm not going.
- Daphne's coming too! - And so am I! (Dad) It's everything I hoped, only better! It's like sitting in your lounge, watching TV, except it isn't TV, it's America! Yes, Dad, it's the ultimate in reality programming - actual reality.
We got a turn-off in five miles, so start slowing down.
- I know.
- How does it feel behind that wheel? Manly.
This is mine and it's big! (Toilet flushes) God, it's like being sealed upright in a Formica coffin! When they were kids, all they had in the back seat was a mayonnaise jar.
Yes.
It took quite a bit of skill to use it successfully at 70 miles an hour.
Never been fond of mayonnaise since.
Or speed bumps.
Turn-off's coming up in four miles.
Get ready.
You're OK on the right.
It's never too early to move over.
Dad, I was wondering what inspired you to choose that uniquely American man-made wonder, Mount Rushmore? It's obvious.
We got a week off, right? That's as far as we can go in 31/2 days.
We get there, get out, walk around, drive back.
Boom! Another fine landmark under our belts.
You've certainly got this well planned.
When I take a holiday, I just grab a change of knickers and see where the wind takes me.
Niles.
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