F R A S I E R (10x18) - Roe to Perdition - Oh, uh, get a cart.
-Oh, could you get it, Niles, please? They're so small they make me feel like I'm some sort of fairy tale giant.
Hey, any thoughts about what to serve? -Well, I thought we might serve a house-cured gravlax with creme fraiche and a sprig of dill.
Oh, in other words, the usual.
For your information, Niles, people happen to like it.
Yes, people like animated musicals.
-Oh, honestly.
Frasier, look! Caviar.
-They haven't had any in ages.
This is just what we need to make our soiree "soignee".
Whoa.
Good heavens.
It's $100 an ounce.
-Well, it must be mis-marked.
Excuse me! Is the Beluga really $100 an ounce? -Yes.
Well, isn't that rather a lot to pay? -To you, yes.
To the fish who gave up her life so that you could spread her unborn children on a cracker, it's not so much.
You know, the reason for such high prices is the Russian mafia.
They control this market.
The Russian mafia controls Robert's Gourmet Goodies? He means the caviar market, you ninny.
I have Beluga for sale.
Top quality, fair price.
The name is Petyr.
I recently arrived on my cousin's ship, The Caspian Queen, with beautiful Beluga caviar.
But because of those gangsters, we cannot sell.
So I do it like this.
Quietly.
How much you want? -How do we know this isn't some sort of scam? It's no scam.
Look inside.
You taste! You really must try this, Niles.
It's like being kissed by a lusty mermaid! So, you are interested, yes? -Maybe.
But how can we be sure that you are not Russian mafia yourself? Because for six generations my family fished the Caspian.
Then ten years ago, the bastards come.
They burn my father's boat.
They steal my mother's salt so she cannot prepare the roe.
And if they know I sell Beluga for $40 an ounce! They would cut out my tongue and pluck out my eyes! Did you say $40 an ounce? Shouldn't our caviar be here by now? -It'll be here, Niles.
I gave Roz explicit instructions.
-What if we've been swindled? What if the tins are filled with sand? Niles, I am, as you know, an excellent judge of character.
And in Petyr, I saw an honest, hard-working fisherman.
Why didn't you have him deliver it here? -What? I don't want him knowing where I live! The Russian bear hunts by night! -Very funny, Roz, come on.
Give me that.
All right, let's have a look.
Oh! Niles! It's beautiful.
-I don't get what the big deal is about caviar.
I had it once.
It was nothing special.
-Well, Roz, a lot of things can affect caviar.
Where did you have it? -On a mini-bagel at the Tucson Doubletree.
Here, try this.
Hmmm.
Wow.
That's good.
-Yes.
That's really good.
What's your little party for tonight? Invited guests.
I'm sorry, Roz.
-What? Thank you for your help.
See you later.
Oh, hey, Roz.
-Oh, hi, Dad.
Hey! Hey, everybody.
Check this out! I just went to the ATM for $20, as you can see from this receipt, and it gave me $60.
I won 40 bucks! You mean the bank lost $40.
-Uh, yeah, that big faceless bank that charges me $12 a month for my checking account lost $40.
You know, you can't keep that.
It's bad karma.
Sorry.
This is America.
A land built on the principle, "Finders Keepers.
" Oh, come on.
There's a toll-free service number right here on the receipt.
Just call them and tell them what happened.
Why should I? -Because otherwise, you could end up like my brother Nigel and his baby teeth.
What happened with your brother Nigel and his baby teeth? Well, like any child, the first time he had a tooth fall out he put it under his pillow at bedtime, and sure enough, the next morning he found that Winston Churchill had left him a shiny new coin.
Question -No, Dad, we're not stopping.
Go ahead, Darling.
Well, instead of being grateful, he got greedy and went off to school, punching people in their mouths and scooping up their teeth.
Of course, it didn't work and he got kicked out of school, became a thief, and eventually went to prison.
Where he fittingly had all of his teeth knocked out? -No, he lost his teeth years earlier in a rock-eating contest.
Now that's an interesting story.
We were renting a house next to a quarry at the time -All right, all right, I'll call the bank! Very kind of you to have us here, Crane.
-Yes, it's wonderful.
But then you must be used to hosting successful parties.
-Oh, not really.
Something's usually on fire by now.
-Oh, you're funny.
No, I'm serious.
Now, tell me.
How can we get our hands on some of this fantastic caviar? Well, I wish I could tell you but it's uh a private source.
Well, perhaps I should mention then that, uh, this is for our yacht party, at which there just might be room enough for another guest.
-Okay, what are we talking here? Well, maybe five, six ounces? Let me go see what's in the refrigerator.
-Thatta boy, Crane! Niles, what are you doing? -Oh, good news.
Emile Sinclair is crazy about the caviar.
If we sell him the rest, he distinctly implied he could get our squash lockers moved further from the showers.
Isn't that fantastic? Per-son-al.
-Yes, well, it would be, Niles, if the Michaelses weren't equally enamored of it and dangling an invitation to a yacht party.
That is a pickle! Check-ing.
Niles, why don't we just call Petyr and order some more caviar? That way we can satisfy both Sinclair and the Michaels.
-Cus-to-mer Ser-vice! You know, Niles, this caviar connection could really open some doors for us, hmm? Per-son-al! What you doing, Dad? -Oh, this stupid bank's automated voice system.
It's like a maze! -All right, give it here.
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