Look at this.
My so-called windproof umbrella.
Look! Look! I'd have fared just as well with one of those paper ones.
I collect those.
They remind me of great evenings I can't remember.
- City College wants you to lecture.
- Fine.
Just tell me the date.
OK.
St Bartholomew's Hospital wants you at their benefit.
- Pass.
- Turning down a hospital? Yes.
Don't look at me that way.
I'm with you.
I hate how whiny, sick people are always nagging.
"I want a magazine.
I want a kidney.
" Roz, I sympathise as much as you do, which is why I said yes last year.
I bought an Armani tuxedo, wrote a speech, put off a visit to Frederick.
Then they didn't need me.
Their first choice had become available.
The irrepressible Kathie Lee Gifford.
- Way to hold a grudge! - This is not about spite.
This is about dignity, a rare and fragile thing.
Anything else? - Judging the Miss Seattle Pageant? - I'll do that.
- That's dignified.
- A scholarship is involved.
All right.
You're on in ten seconds.
Look, we have new sponsors.
Work this copy in as often as you can.
Good afternoon, Seattle.
This is Dr Frasier Crane.
KACL 780.
It's a grey, depressing day in the Emerald City.
Let's hope we can brighten up your afternoon.
We hold it our duty to banish your rainy day blues.
First, a message from a new sponsor.
"Death is inevitable.
"But it's especially painful when it claims a beloved pet.
"If you've lost, or are planning to lose " a cherished dog, cat or bird, "let Pet Paradise console you with a memorial "bearing the likeness of your departed friend.
"Pet Paradise.
Though your pet may be small, your loss is great.
" - Who's our first caller, Roz? - Edna.
She's a receptionist at a pest control firm.
She's depressed.
Hello, Edna.
I'm listening.
'Hello, Dr Crane.
I've worked in pest control for 15 years.
'I go in every day, answer the same calls, ask the same questions.
"'What kind of bugs? Have you seen any droppings?" 'Then I go to the next person.
"What kind of bugs?"' Edna, I can sense where this is going.
Even the most interesting life can become routine.
You need to shake up your world.
Find a new boyfriend, a new job, a new city.
- 'You mean, move?' - Well There are easier places to cheer up than this dreary, soggy city of ours.
'Dr Crane, you're right.
I don't have to stay here.
'When you think about it, there's a whole world of vermin out there.
' Eloquently put, Edna.
Thank you.
Speaking of vermin "When that special rat of yours "turns its toes up for the last time, "don't forget your friends at Pet Paradise.
"Pet Paradise.
When a shoe box isn't enough.
" Another radiant morning.
What do you think, Dad? Should I drive to work or hail a gondola? I like rain.
It gets those squeegee guys off the street.
Now, stay put until I can dry off your feet.
There.
That ought to do it.
Daphne, get that hat off him.
Isn't it bad enough we had him neutered? At this rate, I don't think I'm going to have children.
Just let me dress up the dog.
I've never seen him look that stupid.
You'll change your tune when you see his St Patrick's Day outfit.
Hey, Derek Mann mentioned you in his column.
"I listen to Frasier Crane because I'm trying to drop a few pounds.
"His voice is an effective appetite suppressant.
" - How witty.
- I thought so, too.
Give me that.
"Yesterday he advised an unhappy woman "that she could cure her depression by leaving Seattle.
"It would cure my depression if the Seattle-hating Dr Crane "would take his own advice and leave town.
" - Ludicrous! I never said that.
- Yes, you did.
You said Seattle was dreary and she should leave town.
It was one of several suggestions taken out of context.
- Apologise.
- What for? For insulting Seattle.
People take pride in it.
They don't want you telling them it's rainy and depressing.
If you hadn't noticed, it gets a bit damp here.
For God's sake, the state flower is mildew.
Listen, a city's like a woman.
Get one mad at you and it doesn't matter who's right.
You apologise or you'll be paying forever.
- I don't care for that analogy.
- I'm sorry.
I was way out of line.
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