Well, it's uh 2:07, here on the Dr.
Frasier Crane Show.
As I said, I'm Roz Doyle, Frasier's producer, filling in for the temporarily detained Dr.
Crane.
It's cloudy and 62 degrees outside coming up on 2:08 right there.
Well, let's take a call.
Hello, Lydia.
What seems to be the problem? I already told you.
Yeah, that was when I was the call screener, now I'm the host.
So, tell me your problem, and take your time.
Well, it started about two weeks ago.
I got this terrible obscene phone call.
It's happened several times since then and now it's to the point where I'm afraid to answer my own phone.
Well, obscene phone calls can be very disturbing.
But luckily, Dr.
Frasier Crane has just arrived and I'm sure he knows exactly what soothing things to say.
Maybe now would be a good time to take a break.
We'll be right back after this.
What the hell was that all about?! Oh, never mind that, where were you? Oh, god.
Somebody'd parked in my space again.
I had to park six blocks from here and sprint the whole way.
By the end, my tweed pants were throwing off so many sparks I almost caught myself on fire! I tell you what - the minute we go to a news break I'm going to rush down there and put this withering note on his windshield.
Dear discourteous driver? Whoa! I think you've said enough right there! Come on, Frasier.
This isn't gonna do any good! You want to make an impression on him? Get tough.
You go right down there and let the air out of his tires.
Oh, I wouldn't do something like that.
Why? It's just inconveniencing him like he inconvenienced you.
Roz, listen, the world has become uncivilized enough without me stooping to that level.
Of course I was sorely tempted last night.
I went to the movies to see "How Green Was My Valley.
" Lady Luck seated me in front of two elderly women who said with the arrival of each new actor, "My God, doesn't he look young; he's dead, you know.
" Finally I had to just walk out.
Oh, you're on in five seconds.
And Brenda is on line one.
Hello, Seattle.
We're back, and I would like to start by apologizing for being tardy.
Nothing quite so inconsiderate as making someone wait.
Now without further ado let's get to Brenda.
Hello, Brenda.
Hi, Dr.
Crane.
I'm having a problem with my sister.
She's always Oh, wait a second.
That's my other line.
Something tells me I'm going to be siding with Brenda's sister.
You're welcome! Excuse me, I was wondering if you could direct me to Friendly Video.
Yeah, I think we got that one.
Hang on a second, I'll check.
Don't you hate that? You come all the way down here yourself to the store, wait patiently, and somebody who calls in from home gets preferential treatment.
I can help the next person in line.
Hey, do we have "The Invisible Man?" Right here! Thanks.
Yeah, we got it.
Excuse me.
I was looking for Don't even think about it! I'm looking for "How Green Was My Valley.
" Huh? It is a beautifully acted depiction of life in a small town in Wales.
It won five Academy Awards! It's a classic! Oh.
Well, uh, this is a shot in the dark, but you might try looking in the Classics section.
Uh you're taking "How Green Was My Valley?" I heard it was great.
Yes, but you heard it from me! You were standing next to me in the line! Excuse me, is there another copy? Oh yeah, that would be across the street in our "How Green Was My Valley" annex.
Hey Daphne.
Come on, you're just in time.
It's starting.
I don't get this show.
People send in videos of themselves having the most embarrassing and painful accidents.
They add cartoon noises and music and everyone laughs themselves silly.
Boy, I bet that hurt! Well, what's wrong with you? Frankly, I have had it with the whole boorish, ill-mannered world.
Look, Dad, would you mind terribly if I used the TV tonight? I went to three video stores to get this tape.
I'm just dying to see it.
Sure, go ahead.
How many times can you watch a dog get hit with a swinging door? Depends upon the dog.
What the hell is that?! The windows are rattling, the walls are shaking, and I am talking to no one!! Well, I see our neighbor's at it again.
Not for long! I'm gonna take a nap.
Frasier: Dad, you can't possibly expect to sleep in this racket.
Are you kidding? I've slept through worse than this.
In Korea I dropped off in a foxhole right outside P'Anmunjom.
By the time I woke up the cease-fire was over and I was the only one who didn't know about it.
Talk about having egg on your face.
Yes.
Yes, would you please connect me with the young man who's just moved into the penthouse upstairs.
No, I don't know his name! He's in the penthouse! He has shaggy hair, tattoos all over him, his body is pierced.
Oh, and I don't know if I mentioned this but he's in the penthouse! Never mind.
Has the world completely lost the concept of common courtesy? Am I the only one who is resisting this tide?! People of Seattle, listen to me! We are not barbarians! We are not Neanderthals and we are not French! Do you hear that, you up there?! [ That's his own music he's listening to, you know.
His name is Freddie Chainsaw.
Chainsaw? Of the Newport Chainsaws? How does an arrested adolescent who barely knows two chords get a penthouse? His last album sold five million copies.
Oh.
Well, then, I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.
You know, personally, I like it.
But then, we Brits have always been on the cutting edge.
You should have heard the punk rockers who rented the flat below me a few years back.
They'd play the same song over and over again Flesh is burning nana nana nana.
Flesh is burning nana nana nana.
Oh no.
I'm gonna have that tune in me head all day now.
Yes, well, thank you for that, Daphne.
But I've been waiting all day to watch my movie.
Doesn't he ever stop for sex and drugs?! Hello.
Yes.
Please, I insist on being connected with the young man in the penthouse.
Yes, hello, Mr.
Chainsaw? Yes, how do you do? I'm Dr.
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