This is Dr.
Frasier Crane, wishing you all good mental health.
Happy anniversary! Oh, Roz! Oh, this is so much fun, Roz! I got you one too! Oh, thank you! O.
K.
, you first.
I mean, it's nothing really, it's not expensive or anything, you probably won't even like it, I'm not good with gifts? Look, don't oversell it, Roz.
It's a tape.
"The Dr.
Frasier Crane Show: Show #1, May 21st, 1993.
" It's our first broadcast.
Oh, Roz! I can't wait to listen to it! Did you ever think I'd stay on the air this long? Oh, hell no.
"To Roz, who believed in me from the start.
" Yes, it's from Hallmark's "Irony" section.
Oh, Frasier, they're beautiful! Earrings! Thank you, thank you! You deserve them.
Working side by side for three years, one can't help but become close friends.
And they're blue! To match your lips when they're cold! Oh, Mum, it's not that I don't want to come home.
I'd love a visit! It's just that I can't! He won't let me.
Oh, you have no idea what Dr.
Crane is like.
Why, he's an absolute beast unpleasant to be around, a real tyrant! Oh! It's just my mum.
I'm trying to get out of a visit home.
Oh, I understand.
All right.
No, I'm not exaggerating! He treats me like a bloody slave! Daphne! Where's my dressing gown?! Not to mention how cheap he is! That better not be a long-distance call! Yeah, yeah.
He does sound a lot like Aunt Lillian.
I got to run, Mum.
Love you, bye.
I'm sorry, you must think I'm a terrible daughter.
No, not at all.
I think you're a terrible liar, Daphne, but a perfectly run-of-the-mill daughter.
It's just that I only get one vacation a year, and I want to go somewhere fun, like Acapulco.
Well, that makes sense.
And going home is just so flipping boring.
It's always the same.
There's a wonderful reunion at the airport, and we share all our news on the way home in the car.
And by the time I've dropped off my suitcase, we've exhausted all conversation, and that's when I realize I've got a whole week left with nothing to look forward to but Dad telling the story of how he once shared a cigar with Winston Churchill during the blackouts ?he thinks! Well, it sounds like an easy decision, Daphne ? Hasta luego.
Oh, Dr.
Crane, why is it so easy to love our families, yet so hard to like them? Well, Daphne, that is one of those questions that make life so rich and psychiatrists richer.
Yeah, well, maybe I'll just go call a travel agent, see which guilt trip is more expensive.
Good afternoon, Seattle.
My name is Dr.
Frasier Crane.
If you can feel, I can heal.
Fasten your seat belt, Eddie.
It's going to be a bumpy ride.
Hello.
You're on the air with Dr.
Frasier Crane.
"Put your head in my hands.
" "Little owlet in the glen, I am ashamed of you, You are ungrammatical in speaking as you do, You should say, 'to whom, to whom,' not 'to who, to who.
' Your little friend, Miss Katydid, may be green, 'tis true, But you never heard her say? Who the hell are you? I'm Roz Doyle, your new producer.
What? Producer? Dr.
Crane, I presume? Yes, yes, but, uh, where's Dave? Uh, he got another assignment.
But I was comfortable with Dave.
Look, Dr.
Crane, I know you've been thrown a curve, but everything's gonna be fine.
But I did a mock show with Dave.
I did mock-call-in's, mock commercials, mock news bulletins! Look, I got a bulletin for you: Dave's out, I'm in, and stop saying "mock.
" All right, look, Miss Doyle, I'm sure you're quite capable, but Dave has fifteen years of experience.
I'd really prefer that he do it.
Well, that would make two of us then, wouldn't it? I really think I should call management and ask for Dave, it's not really fair to Dave or to me.
Dr.
Crane, Dave dumped you.
Why? We were here until 2 A.
M.
this morning, as I explained to Dave in meticulous detail my philosophy of optimal mental health! It's a mystery, all right.
O.
K.
, look, I'm going to screen a few calls, and No! No, no, as I explained to Dave before, there will be no call-screening.
You see, I want my show to be fresh and spontaneous, and call screening squelches all of that.
And the mystery of Dave's departure deepens.
OK, you're on in five seconds, I'll give you a cue.
Good afternoon, Seattle.
My name is Dr.
Frasier Crane.
"If you can feel, I can heal.
" Let's see who's on line one! Hello, this is Dr.
Frasier Crane.
"You're on the couch.
" No, I'm not.
Well, I meant on the metaphorical couch.
I'm in a beanbag chair, O.
K.
? Uh, moving on then, um, how can I help you? It's about my husband Look, I-I just can't do this, it's really too embarrassing for me.
No, no, please, please, dear friend, you must - I'm really here to help you.
Please, go ahead.
I've tried, and I've tried, and I just don't know what to do about this! Well, you know, often in these cases, it helps if you restate your problem.
But this time, try boiling it down to one succinct sentence.
Now, how would you do that? My husband is dead! Well, perhaps we should go back to the wordy version.
Uh, we'll be right back after these Important messages.
Of course I could do a gardening show.
If I can grow plants in my dorm room closet, I must know a thing or two about horticulture? Are you trying to get transferred? Bye! Look, Dr.
Crane, I got to be honest with you here.
It's just that I-I think psychiatry is, just, uh, sort of - kind of bull! Oh, well, this is a match made in heaven then, isn't it?! Oh, don't be offended.
"Don't be offended.
" Why should I be offended? In the last week, I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career! The first few nerve-wracking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show! Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office! O.
K.
, you got to make the caller get to the point, and then for God's sake, so should you.
Duly noted.
O.
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