(GHOSTS MURMUR REASSURINGLY)
Daddy gonna fix the boiler now
Hmm.
YouTube gonna show Daddy how
- GHOSTS:
- Ooh!
(ERROR ALERT)
Come on!
(ERROR ALERT)
Ugh!
Oh, it's not playing ball, is it?
(GHOSTS MURMUR)
- What's he doing?
- Oh, no, Daddy.
No, you need to prime the inlet
pump, open the induction loop,
repressurise the system,
then connect the gas feed,
- and then ignite the
- Or just hit it with a hammer.
Unbelievable.
- Technophobe.
- Yeah.
Right.
It's going to take a
sustained assault to grind her down,
- so we'll take it in shifts.
- I'll go first! We have a connection.
A frisson, if you will.
Maybe I should go first.
Let her know the lay of the land.
No.
This is a military campaign,
and I'm not the sort to bring up the rear.
No, I'll go first.
- Urgh!
- And then you, Pat,
and then Mary, and
Good heavens.
What on Earth is that?
Ah, now, that is the front bit
of a television.
I don't know where the back bit is,
- but that's the front!
- Extraordinary.
- Any luck with the boiler?
- Nah, not really.
It's in a pretty bad way.
Looks like
some idiot has taken a hammer to it.
I'll have a look at it tomorrow.
Connect this one to the one from the roof
and we should
get a picture.
Right.
Over the top we go!
Now look here.
- As a officer of His Majesty's Armed Forces
- (WHISTLES A TUNE)
it is my duty to inform you that
you are considered an enemy insurgent
and you should surrender your territories
to incumbent forces with immediate effect
or face the prospect
OK.
- Very good.
I see what you're doing.
- La-la-la-la-la-la
Two can play at that game!
Ah!
I am the very model of a modern
Major-General I've information vegeta
ble, animal and mineral
I know the kings of England
and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo
in order categorical!
(DOCUMENTARY BLARES)
You can run, but you can't
Hello to you.
Hello!
And welcome!
On behalf of me and my fellow
dead people, may I just say
Oh, straight onto the tour, OK!
On your left is the Master's chamber,
or "chambre", that's French.
Wait!
(DOCUMENTARY CONTINUES)
You beautiful girl.
(STRAINS WITH EFFORT)
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
TV: Up next, Hitler's Secret Superweapons.
Oh, good Chr I mean, it's
Christmas, it's Christmas morning!
Alison?
Aly?
What the bally hell
do you think you're doing, sir?
What have you done with the tanks?
You turn that back on this instant
Where are you going?
If you were dead,
I would thrash your bottom, sir!
And there's been a settlement
on this site for well over
- A while now, although this part
- You're not real.
- Well, we're not alive, but we are
- I can't hear you.
- Well, clearly you can, because
- No, I can't.
- Well, it's just, you keep answering me
- No, I don't.
- My turn?
- Sorry, Tom, Captain said that Mary's next.
- Get out my way, you soppy bit o' rag.
- Good luck.
Although she's not much of a one
for chitchat.
Oh, don't you worries about me.
I've got something up my sleeves.
Get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out
- Boo!
- Oh, my!
- Boo! (CHUCKLES)
- Classic.
- Yes, to replace the boiler.
- So it needs amending.
My entry.
- To reflect my political achievements.
- What did you say, sorry?
There's plenty who've done worse
than I did, believe you me.
- My phone number
- The MP for Watney got horses involved.
- 0-7-9
- Yeah, that's plural!
- Horses! It was the shire ones as well.
- Sorry, 0-7
- You know, the ones with the flares?
- Can I call you back?
A lady employs a knife AND fork.
A lady pinches.
Whores use rouge.
A lady does not hold a carrot like that.
(DOOR SLAMS)
A lady wouldn't tell me to do that to myself!
(SQUEALS)
Get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out, get out,
- Get out, get out, get out, get
- (SIGHS DEEPLY)
- get out, get out, get out
- No better?
get out, get out, get out, get out
Just give it till morning.
I'm sure it'll pass.
get out, get out, get out, get out.
(CLOCK CHIMES)
(SIGHS)
I
am the very model of
a modern Major-General
I've information vegetable
animal and mineral
I know the kings of England
and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo
in order categorical!
(HUMS MELODY)
Oh, God.
Boo!
- Agh!
- I don't even feel the cold!
(LAUGHS)
- I am a strong, sane woman.
- He'd crafted it from a rubber glove
- and was using the gravy as lubricant.
- Challenges only make me stronger.
And you can imagine the jokes
about "the Chancellor's red box".
And then there was this Liberal fellow,
well, you can imagine what he got up to.
He was caught in a sailors' sauna, and
he was not there to learn about boats.
Get out, get out, get out, get out.
- (SLAM!)
- Get out!
(SLAM!)
- Oh!
- Alone at last.
(ALISON SCREAMS)
- Alison!
- Oh, God!
- A moment, please, I beg of you.
- You're in my head.
And you in mine, my sweet!
What are we doing?
You're married, I'm dead.
It can never work.
Can it?
Maybe it can.
Like Romeo And Juliet, but specifically
the bit where he's already dead
and she kills herself to be with him?
(GASPS IN PANIC)
I am too bold.
Forgive me.
Accurse my impetuous loins!
You're not yet free of that
buffle-headed bobtail.
I'll wait for you, my comely nug.
- Though some idea of timescale would be
- Oh!
No, I understand,
this is all happening so fast.
I can wait!
Lord knows I've had the practice.
- (STRAINS WITH EFFORT)
- Come on, man!
- I'm trying!
- (STRAINS WITH EFFORT)
- Well, try harder, man!
- (ALISON GASPS)
You! I demand you reactivate this
device with immediate effect!
- Any joy with the people from Goggle?
- Me again!
Today I thought we could do halls
and common passageways.
Get out, get out, get out, get out,
- Darling! There you are.
- Ohh
- Now, I know I said no pressure, but
- None of it is real.
None of it is real.
- A lady doesn't mumble.
- Ohh!
Boo!
Don't suppose you've seen a body anywhere?
Is that a no?
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(GIGGLING)
Will you be my friend?
Agh!
(ALL TALK AT ONCE)
(YELLS WAR CRY)
Do you think it's something we said?
- And press the hilt of the venturi
- What is a venturi?
- into the domed brass union.
- What's a union?!
(INSTRUCTIONS CONTINUE)
(GHOSTS CHAT AMONGST THEMSELVES)
Don't panic.
It takes maybe ten, 20 seconds.
Oh, that's good.
- (RUMBLING AND HISSING)
- Oh, that's bad.
- ALISON: Mike!
- Jesus, you scared me!
It's no good, I need to go and get some
Holy Mary Mother of God!
- Oh, my God.
- What's wrong?
"What's wrong"?!
The room is full of zombies!
Donkeys?
Honey, I promise you it isn't.
Then I have to go back to the
hospital and get some drugs
or some therapy or a bang on the
other side of my head,
or whatever it takes to stop me from
seeing the cast of
The Night Of The Dead every single
time I walk into a room!
It's Night Of The Living De
Not now.
I can't go on like this, OK?
So you either drive me to the
hospital right now, or I drive myself.
- WHISPERS:
And I see things that aren't there!
Well, we are.
I'll get my keys.
Ohh.
Red lever.
(GHOSTS ALL TALK AT ONCE)
- Red lever!
- Red lever!
- Red lever!
- Red lever!
(SCREAMS)
What now?
Aly?!
What's wrong?
(CONTINUES TO SCREAM)
Red lever!
Red lever?
(HISSING)
Oh!
On it!
(HISSING STOPS)
(GHOSTS CHEER)
- (GHOSTS GROAN)
- Oh, what?
(CAR HORN BEEPS CONTINUOUSLY)
- How did you know about the red?
- Maybe we should go.
Yeah, yeah, we're going.
No, no, no, I mean away from here.
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