1
And
Congratulations.
- On what?
- Well, all the doors are now shut,
and I just sealed the last window.
So you know what that means?
We should get a carbon monoxide alarm?
No.
Well, yes.
But it also means
that pigeon can't get in here.
Which I'd say calls for a toast.
I thought we were saving that to
celebrate the woodworm treatment.
Nah, it's only prosecco.
I'll buy another bottle.
See, this is why we wait
for the woodworm treatment.
Quick.
Block the hole before the pigeon gets
How?
- Mike, it won't shut with that on.
- Yeah, I'm not an idiot.
They're just holding it
while I put the Sellotape on.
Bitches.
Bitches.
Bitches.
Bitches.
They don't listen.
Women?
Barclay.
Beg-Chetwynde.
Wh
What's that?
That's me.
Barclay Beg-Chetwynde.
From next door.
We have a next door?
Yes, about a mile that way.
I own the
You know the village?
- Yeah.
- Yes, I own that.
We summer in Tuscany,
but got back and saw you'd moved in.
Thought I should come say how do?
Right.
Yeah.
I'm Alison, and this is Mike.
Sorry, come in.
Thank you.
- What you say?
- Tally.
Tally.
Must have seen a ghost.
Didn't you know?
This place absolutely riddled with them.
So legend has it.
There's a lady falls from a window
- in the west wing.
- East wing.
- Dressed in white.
- Grey.
- Georgian.
- Edwardian.
Attractive.
Early 20s.
And a strange creature
that roams the grounds,
half man, half ape.
- Well, I haven't seen anything.
- No.
- No, he hasn't.
- It's probably all tosh and piffle.
Anyway, reason I called,
incepto ne desistam
I remember this berk.
Met him at a party fundraiser here
back in the day.
Rich as Croesus.
Loves the sound of his own voice.
Which reminds me of a very funny story
I heard once on a golf course.
Now, there was Brucie.
That's Brucie Forsyth
Guys.
Guys, anecdote.
Anecdote alert, right in the middle of one.
Now, it doesn't really affect
your grounds inside the gates,
but the path outside the gates is on my deed,
so, technically, you have to cross
a strip of my land
every time you enter your house.
We had no idea.
It's a simple thing to sort out,
but probably worth a quick powwow
at some point.
- Yeah, sure.
Well, we'll
- Maybe you could come to dinner some time?
Splendid idea.
See you at eight.
I'm free.
I'll bring a Pelaverga.
- What's a?
- And Bunny can't eat beef.
Well, she can, but she shouldn't,
if you know what I mean.
Right, once more unto the breach.
Come along, bitches.
Is that all of them?
Never mind.
What did you do that for?
Because he's got some weird claim
over our driveway,
so we should probably keep him sweet.
Besides, he's our way in.
- To what?
- Society, Mike.
We're posh now.
We should be mixing with other poshos.
- But he is awful.
- So?
Some awful people have really nice friends.
I mean, look at your mate Greg.
- What's wrong with Greg?
- Nothing.
Hello, girl.
You're lovely, in't you?
It's worth it.
Hello, girl.
I can't touch any more.
Um book?
Film?
Five words.
The Importance Of Being Earnest.
Great Expectations.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
It's Tootsie.
Tootsie.
It's Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Tootsie.
Stop saying Tootsie.
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