" - Good, good.
Mike, this is ridiculous.
Mike, you don't seriously expect us to tell Juliet that we're all these things.
Come on, Mom, I'm just trying to make you guys look good.
Oh, I appreciate that, Mike but you're asking us to lie.
And, badly.
Come on, guys.
Just for tonight, bear with me.
Look, if you can't count on your family at a crucial moment in your life who can you count on? - Juliet.
- Mikhail.
To think we came that close to naming him that in the first place.
Mom, Dad, this is Juliet.
- Juliet, these are my parents.
- Hello, Juliet.
Mikhail has told me so much about you.
It sounds like you have a fascinating life.
Yes, but what is life? So profound for one who's nine, don't you think? - But then, I guess it runs in the family.
- It must.
Tell me, Mrs.
Seaver, what does it feel like to win the Pulitzer Prize for Literature? Well, I'll be honest with you, Juliet.
It feels good.
Darn good.
The first couple of times, anyway.
And, Mr.
Seaver, Mikhail tells me you're a painter.
Do you work in oils or acrylic? Mostly flat latex and some high-gloss enamel.
Would you like to see one of my recent works? I call it, "Upstairs Bathroom.
" Dad, no! Maybe some other time.
Mr.
Seaver, tell me, have you been influenced by the recent wave of German abstract expressionists? No.
I'm really more influenced by the Dutch Boys.
Oh, you mean Rembrandt and Vermeer.
Well, that's fascinating, considering you were a student of Picasso's.
Which reminds me, Mom Is Uncle Pablo coming to visit for the holidays this year? Mike, Picasso is dead.
Well, I guess that's a no.
Yeah, Uncle Pablo loved it when we joked this way about death.
Yes, but what is death? Oh, you are so deep.
- Sometimes it even scares me.
- Thank you.
You know, it really is extraordinary meeting a family like you in a place like this.
- Oh? - Oh? I mean, I thought I'd have to go into the city to find a cultural evening like this.
Because Lord knows that most suburbanites are brain dead.
Which reminds me, Mishka I was wondering if you'd like to come to the city with me to see some performance art.
Oh, go, Mike.
No, go, go.
Because Lord knows you can't get a decent piece of performance art in the suburbs.
Yeah, you know, that really burns me up.
Tomorrow is the last night of Gerhardt's performance piece.
And there's no one I'd rather see it with than you.
Well, then, it's a date.
- Mike.
- Yeah, Mom? Aren't you forgetting something? Yeah, a prior commitment, like something else for tomorrow night? One that's very, very important to your entire family? Gee, no, I don't think I had any plans for tomorrow night.
Sure you do, Mike.
We're supposed to go Mishka, what is he doing? He's dancing.
Yes, incredibly enough, little Ben, here, is a philosopher and a modern dancer.
Now, he's got a recital tomorrow night but once you've seen one little philosopher dance you've seen them all.
So, we're on? Right, we're on.
Au revoir, Mishka.
Hey, was she incredible, or what, huh? I know, I know.
Look, I'm sorry I had to pass on the bowling but I knew you guys would understand.
You don't understand.
You really don't understand.
Mike, you have to go with us.
You promised.
How are we supposed to beat the Koosmans without you? You guys, it's just a game.
That's not the point, Mike.
You made a commitment.
We're all counting on you.
And if you can't count on your family, who can you count on? Look, Dad, I'm involved in a relationship here.
With an artist.
I can't just drop that to go bowling.
A relationship? She doesn't even know who you are.
She thinks you're "Mishka.
" And you're just a bowler like the rest of us.
Hey, how do you know what I am? Maybe I'm not a bowler.
Maybe I am Mishka.
Maybe I'm gonna barf.
If this were the Russian Army, he'd be tried for desertion and shot.
Carol, we're not going to force your brother to go bowling with us.
Anyway, I have a hunch that pretty soon he'll realize he's not Mishka.
But what do I know? I'm just a painter.
"Essence of Cow?" - What a piece of - This? I love this.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I love this thing.
I mean, I haven't seen cow essence before, but this - Andre! Fabrizzio! - Oh, Juliet! God, I haven't seen you since the Gertrude Stein-a-thon.
This is a good friend of mine, Michael Seaver.
Michael is a poet.
Oh, look, the performance piece is about to start.
Oh, I hear it's brilliant.
- Orangutans bark at the sound of - Sunlight.
- Why are there no - Lumberjacks - In big cities? - Big cities.
Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! It's a perfect commentary on the fashions and foibles of middle-class America.
Oh, yes, yes, absolutely.
Fashions and foibles.
Oh, Mishka, you can't be serious.
I mean, it's obviously a plea for nuclear disarmament.
Obviously.
Yes, nuclear disarmament.
You'd have to be dumb as a post to miss that.
So you're saying it's a comment on contemporary fashions and nuclear disarmament? Yes.
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