" Yeah, yeah, they're my buddies.
I had them sign them for good luck.
You know somebody named Appomattox Court House? Yeah.
A black guy, captain of the basketball team.
Karate.
I just kicked over a brick wall.
The one thing I know is that I don't know this.
Bone, my man, you worry too much.
Well, at least I'll have you for company in summer school.
No, not this time.
I got this thing aced.
You mean to tell me you actually studied this stuff? Boner, Boner, Boner.
So young, so naive.
You've got cheat notes.
Eddie, he's got Come on, you say that too loud and people are gonna get the wrong idea.
Where are they? Look, I don't know what you guys are talking about.
Here, search me.
Here you go, full-body strip search.
No, thanks.
Teacher! Teacher! All right, people.
I trust you're all sufficiently frightened.
If not, you should be.
'Cause this test will count for a quarter of your total grade.
A quarter! Only yesterday he said 25º/% .
This is multiple choice.
You have 30 minutes, and your papers will be graded before you leave.
You may begin.
"The final northern battle of the Civil War was, A: Battle of Bull Run "B: Battle of Gettysburg, or C: Battle of the Network Stars.
" Gettysburg.
Hey, I actually know this stuff! Now, some of your test results did surprise me.
For instance, it was interesting to learn from Mr.
Stabone that General Grant's first name was Lou.
I can't look, I can't look.
I've gotta look.
In what is perhaps the biggest shock in my teaching career since boys started wearing earrings the highest grade in the class, a 94 was earned by Mike Seaver.
I am number one! - Number one! - Number one! Mr.
Seaver, before we schedule a press conference I have to ask how does a student whose very name has become synonymous with the phrase "D minus", manage such a grade? What can I say, Mr.
Dewitt? When you got it, you got it.
And now I see where you got it.
Are you actually calling me a cheater? Mr.
Seaver, don't try to fool Willy Dewitt.
The shoes.
Now.
Mr.
Dewitt Have your parent, guardian, or parole officer call for an appointment.
The sooner the better.
He beat you? No, he just took my shoes.
- Oh, that stinks, Mike.
- Yeah, real bad, too.
What really bothers me is that this guy thinks I cheated.
Boy, hard to imagine! I mean, he wouldn't even take my word that I didn't.
Seaver, you really are good.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, I mean, here you are facing suspension and an F in history and you're cool enough to play it innocent.
Look, I am innocent! And outrage, too.
Outrage is tough.
I can only work up to a small frenzy myself.
Look, I did not cheat! No, and you didn't look at the answers on your shoes even once.
Look, I'm not kidding around! You know, maybe he's got the room bugged.
Of course, Mike, you would never cheat.
Look, I did not cheat, and I'm tired of you guys saying that I did! You got it? Five nights this week the story that had all America reading, will have all America watching.
At 18, she was a nun.
At 21, an acrobat.
At 37, the mistress of a president.
Joan Collins is Old.
- Hi, Mike.
- Hi.
What's the matter? How do you know something's the matter? Because you didn't say, "Hi, Fido," "Hi, Skunk-breath," or "Hi, Nerd-face.
" So, what is it? Carol, I'm living a nightmare.
I mean, nobody believes me.
Not Boner, not Eddie, not Cheech, not Murray.
What are you talking about? Mr.
Dewitt accused me of cheating on my history exam.
You passed! Yeah, I passed.
In fact, I got the highest grade in the class.
Oh, oh, is this your way of saying you don't believe me either? - Stop! - Oh, oh, fine.
Don't believe me, Skunk-breath! Fido! Nerd-face! Mom! Dad! How great to see you! - Hey.
- Is he talking to us? I mean, just knowing that I can count on you guys makes me feel happy.
Oh, the giddiness is completely mutual, Mike.
Hey, you're welcome.
- Do you have a fever? - Mom.
Say, Maggie, you don't suppose this has anything to do with his recent history test, do you? You know, I'm darn glad you brought that up, Dad.
I'd better sit down.
What happened? Well, there's not too much to be said about the test itself.
Say it anyway.
I passed.
- Completely? - Yeah.
- Hey, all right, Mike.
- Congratulations.
I knew that that little extra studying would pay off.
Thanks.
But I do have some bad news and I think you better sit down for this, Dad.
Just say what it is, Mike.
I have a feeling you should sit.
Now what I'm about to tell you is going to get both of you quite angry and you will be outraged at the shoddy treatment I have received from Mr.
Dewitt.
But I want your word that you're not gonna go off half-cocked trying to get this guy fired or something.
I promise to be fully-cocked, Mike.
Now, Mr.
Dewitt accused me of cheating.
- Now just calm down! - I'm in control.
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