I mean, he, like, got upset because I went camping with Phil Crawly - who's, like, just a friend, basically.
- Basically? - Mom.
- I'm sorry.
Lisa so how did your parents feel about you going out with a 27-year-old? - Like, my mother, she was bummed.
- Really? Like, I think she wanted to go out with him.
I take it your parents are no longer together then? - What makes you say that? - Nothing.
Never mind.
So, like anyway, Mike, you wanna do something tonight? Well, I did just end a very special relationship.
But I think I've moped around about that long enough.
Mike, don't forget that your father and I are going out with the Koosmans tonight, and you have to baby-sit Ben and Carol.
Can't we get a sitter? On this short notice, not one without an axe.
So? Ben and Carol are quick on their feet.
- Mike? - Okay, okay.
Hey, Mike, maybe I could, like, come over here tonight.
Yeah! That'd be Probably a very boring way for Lisa to spend a Saturday night.
No, it wouldn't be boring, Maggie.
I just love baby-sitting.
What a woman, huh, Mom? You betcha.
You are the ugliest plant alive.
Carol told me privately that she hates you.
- Ben, what are you doing? - Nothing, Mom.
- Okay, all set? - Yeah.
- So? Did you talk to him? - Yeah.
Well, what did you say? Well, pretty much what you and I discussed.
Like what, specifically? Well, you know, it was one of those father-son talks.
Forgive me, Jason.
I have never had one of those father-son talks.
- What did you say? - Well, that's where I say: "How you doing, Son?" He says, "Pretty good, Dad.
" I say, "Is that mousse in your hair, or is it wet" Jason, get to the good part.
Honey, I just told him that in general I think that it's better to start slowly with a relationship to get to know somebody, to get a - A medical report.
- That, too, I guess.
So Well, what do you think they'll do tonight? Well, they'll probably watch TV.
Jason, what if they don't watch TV? I mean, he's only 15.
He's too young to not watch TV.
Well, if two teenage kids want to get together and not watch TV they're gonna find a way to do it.
I'm tired.
Let's stay home.
- Maggie.
- I wanna watch The Love Boat.
Bob and Ellen are picking us up in three minutes.
Are you sure we shouldn't stay home? You know, what you have to remember is that no matter where we are there's always that little voice inside Mike's head saying, "Mike, this is your mother speaking.
" And that's when Mike says, "Ma, what are you doing here?" And the little voice says, "I just want to remind you that I love you "and I'll always love you "even if you break my heart by touching that girl somewhere.
" Okay, okay.
So you're saying I've already saddled him with enough guilt to cripple him for life? No.
I'm saying that he knows our values and he knows that we care about him.
And I know that he will consider that anytime he makes one of life's big decisions.
I hope you're right.
Jason, we are not leaving this house.
Maggie, the Koosmans are here.
Let's just go.
To hell with the Koosmans.
Come on, guys, let's go! Do you want to go out there and tell Bob and Ellen that we can't leave our house because there's a girl in it? Why not? Would you leave Carol in there with a boy who looks like he just fell off an X-rated wedding cake? This is a double standard.
Nobody said life was fair, Maggie.
Let's go.
Honey, I know what you're feeling but we should not try to make this decision for Mike.
And no matter what happens, he's gonna live through it.
That's comforting.
Hey, I saw her walk up.
At least he'll die happy.
I hate the Koosmans.
Hold me.
Do you know how long I've waited for this? For the opportunity to do this? This is an incredible opportunity for me to do what I've always Shut up and hold me.
Oh, my God.
You have so many places to hold.
Just pick one.
This movie happens to be very dull.
Maggie, Mike's gonna be just fine.
There's no story, no character just a lot of gratuitous sex thrown in to boost ticket sales! We know.
Sit down.
How are theater owners going to know how we feel about this garbage - if we just sit through it? - Or stand through it, in your case.
Oh, can it, will you? Maggie, let's just watch the movie, okay? People like you should stay home and watch The Love Boat.
Well, this is the guest room.
That about wraps up the tour of the house.
Let's go back downstairs, and we can watch TV or something.
- Stay here.
It's, like, nice.
- Here? What would we do in here? I mean, the TV downstairs is much more Any idea what you're doing to me? Well, you know, I was just trying to make my top lip match up, roughly - with your - I mean, inside.
Inside? Well, you know, it's I find it's always so hard to say what someone else feels inside and my dad, who is a psychiatrist, he says that no two people necessarily have to feel the exact same inside.
- And - I feel all steamy and tingly.
I don't specifically remember him mentioning "steamy and tingly.
" I have to ask him about them.
So, how about that social studies test last Friday? You know, Mike, I just got, like, a funny idea.
Funny? Funnier than this? No.
I mean, it just occurred to me.
This gonna be the first time you've, like, ever done it? Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.
No, I'm sorry.
That's just so rich.
No, I'm not a virgin, Lisa.
No, not this cowboy.
That's a relief.
'Cause, like, believe it or not there are guys out there our own age who've never done it.
Yeah.
Rejects and nerds.
Really? So Where were we? I'm not sure.
Now I remember.
- Did.
- Did not.
- Did, too.
- Did not.
- I know you did something to her.
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