Boy, the show was great.
The theater was packed.
It's always like that on Helmet Night.
Thank you.
- She's very pretty.
- She's okay.
If she's only "okay," I'd like to see your idea of "great.
" Looks aren't everything.
She looks a little dopey to me.
So, your ideal woman should be intelligent? Yeah, I like an intellectual woman but she should be romantic, too but not take herself too seriously.
- Yeah, like that! - What else? Wait a minute.
You have somebody specific in mind, don't you? - Yes.
- Leslie! - Leslie? - Jeffrey! - Jeffrey? - Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey Backman! It's you.
Leslie, I don't believe this.
I thought you were in London! Yes, well, I got in a fight with my acting coach.
He insisted I play Lady Macbeth in a tank top.
- Hey, I'd go! - I'm sure, you would.
- I'm sorry.
Leslie, this is - Carol! Carol Seaver.
Carol, this is Leslie Berenson.
Carol's an old family friend, she's like the little sister I never had.
That's sweet.
- What grade are you in, in school, Carol? - Ninth.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.
Maggie, I think I hear them.
Let's try to act natural.
Hi, honey.
- Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! - Hi.
Well, I'm off to bed now! Wait, honey, how was the show? Show? The show was great! - Well, good night! - Carol? - Yeah, Dad? - Where's Jeff? Oh, my goodness! I must have locked him out! Jeffrey, I'm so sorry.
I guess I just forgot about you! Well, it's really my fault for not wanting to sprint that last 50 yards.
Right! Well, nighty-night! Carol! I think I can explain.
Well, I guess that's it.
Hey, kids, why don't you help Jeff get his bags in the car? - Okay.
I get the big one! - No, I want the big one! Okay.
But only because you're my brother and I love you.
Works every time! Be sure to say goodbye to Carol for me.
I really feel terrible about last night.
Jeff, how many times do we have to tell you? It's not your fault.
Carol gets a little carried away, but she's resilient.
She gets hurt, she bounces right back.
- That's bouncy.
- Jeffrey! I'm so glad I caught you before you left! I'd like you to meet Richard, my "significant other.
" - Pleasure to meet you, Richard.
- Significant other what? Richie's been out of town.
Just flew in from Paris.
Now, what were you doing in Paris, Richie? I was on business.
What do you do, Richie? He's our paper boy! Well, that's some route.
Well, au revoir, Jeff! Do come back and visit soon.
Richie and I will be upstairs.
We have so much catching up to do! We're so this way.
This is incredible! I come here to collect for the paper and I find romance.
But then, they say it comes when you least expect it.
Get off of me! Get out of here! Not that way.
This way.
We're on the second floor.
There's a ledge and a drain pipe.
Use your imagination.
Now, out! All right, I'm going.
Wait! Is this a test of my love for you? Sure.
Now please, go! I am such a jerk! Hi.
- Where's Richie? - I threw him out.
- Out where? - Out there.
Don't worry, he climbs like a squirrel.
Well, sounds like you two have a pretty stormy relationship.
Come off it, Dad, you know Richie and I don't have a relationship! I just pretended he was my boyfriend so I could get back at Jeff! - Sweetheart - Jeff must think I'm the biggest doofus he's ever seen! No, Carol, Jeff does not think you're a doofus.
He thinks you're a beautiful, intelligent young woman who just happens to be a little too young for him.
Yeah, sure.
Carol, that's what he said.
He feels terrible about the whole thing.
Everybody acts a little crazy sometimes, you know.
That doesn't mean you're a jerk.
- It just means you follow your heart.
- That's right, honey.
In fact, your father made a major bozo of himself over his seventh-grade biology teacher.
- Yeah? What'd you do? - I didn't do anything Oh, come on! Well, mine's a little embarrassing I kidnapped her hamsters and threatened to flush them if she married Mr.
Sprinkleman, the shop teacher.
- You didn't tell me that.
- You didn't really do that.
I really did! Then I put a bag over my head and I stood outside her window and sang, That's What You Get For Lovin'Me.
- You didn't? - You must have looked like a real doofus! It happens to be one of my best numbers.
Well, I'm sure your mother's not exactly an innocent in the doofus-for-Iove department! Yeah? What have you done? Well, honey, I've done so many silly things - I couldn't possibly list them all.
- Come on, just pick one.
Yeah.
The silliest.
Well, okay.
Let's see.
Okay.
Okay.
Once I wrote a note that said: "I think you're cute," to a boy I didn't even know.
That's the silliest thing you ever did? Your mother's a pretty zany lady, Carol.
So, I guess, you're trying to tell me, this problem is genetic.
- Mom? - Yeah, sweetheart? Did Jeff really say that he thinks that I'm beautiful and intelligent? He really said that.
And I think he'd appreciate it if you went downstairs and said goodbye to him.
- He's still here? - He said he'd wait for you.
Yeah? Did he say how long? - Hi.
- Hi.
I really appreciate you coming down to say goodbye what with Richie coming in from Paris and all.
Yeah, well Richie and I have an understanding.
He lets me say goodbye to other men.
Look, Carol, if I hurt you in any way, I'm really sorry.
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