Jason, it's eerie.
They aren't yelling, they aren't fighting, they aren't even watching TV.
And this is a bad thing? Yo, Rambo.
Hi.
What's the name of your barber? Linda.
Not Petula with a fake mole? -No.
-Yeah, right.
Ben, don't eat too much.
You'll spoil your appetite.
Not a chance.
Why don't we just ask them about these divorces? After everything we've learned, do you really think they're gonna tell us the truth? Well, we've got to do something.
Before Ben ends up with a harpoon sticking out of him.
Listen, guys, I've formulated a plan.
-What? -Okay.
Now, when we do something wrong only Mom and Dad don't know quite what it is they get us into this conversation about other junk just to trick us into saying too much.
So let's just do that to them.
They never do that to me.
Well, Carol, that's because you lead a very sad, uninteresting and boring life.
Do you wanna talk about that, or do you wanna talk about this plan? -The plan.
-All right, okay.
I'll work on Dad.
Carol, you work on Mom.
What do I work on? Losing weight.
Dad, do you have a second to rap with me? You wanna rap? Yeah, is that the right word? Sure, if you're Sammy Davis, Jr.
No, no, you know what I mean.
Talk, chat.
Have one of our meaningful dialogues.
Yeah.
Nice haircut, by the way, Dad.
No, no, you know what I mean.
Just kind of a chance for us to get together and see how we're doing.
I mean, you're my only dad, right? And I'm one of your three only kids, aren't I? So, what kind of trouble are you in, Mike? -Mom.
-Hi, honey.
What's up? Nothing's up.
Why do you think something's up? Does something have to be up just because I wanna come in here and talk? I wanna hang out with you and I get accused of something being up.
So, Dad, did you hear? I'm dating a new girl now.
Mike, you're always dating a new girl because nobody will go out with you twice.
No, no, Dad, this one's special.
Her name is Petula.
-She wouldn't be a barber, would she? -A barber? Why do you ask, Dad? Do you know any Petula who's a barber? One with those, say, a mole painted on her face? No.
Ben mentioned it.
Mm-hm.
I see.
Mike, are you enjoying this conversation? Okay.
All right, here it is.
I'm having a little problem with my social life, Dad, and.
I figured that a guy like you has dated around a lot.
Yeah, well, it was a long time ago, but.
Yeah.
Yeah, you probably even went steady a time or two, right? Yeah.
Heck, you probably even married a few of them, right? What? Did you know that most divorced people never have to set the table? What? Well, it's a well-known fact that they eat most meals hunched over a sink.
Carol.
You wouldn't think it was funny if you were divorced.
It sure would save me a lot of time in the kitchen.
Oh, fine.
Duck the question.
Carol, what question am I ducking? Mom, how can I make it any clearer? Whoa.
Heh, heh.
I'll bet it feels weird eating at the table, huh? Well, that makes it unanimous.
None of my children are making sense.
They're either staring at me like I'm back from the grave or telling me interesting facts about divorced people.
There's something up.
Mike was just asking me how many times I've been married and I-- Wait a minute.
They know.
Oh, look, just like I told you.
They've been into everything down here.
They even found this stocking you gave me for the interns' comedy revue.
That's not mine.
Sure it is.
Mike, Carol, Ben.
No, I wear tall.
This is petite.
Well, we're getting off the subject here.
All right, kids, your mom and I would like to talk to you.
-I'll bet.
-We're listening.
Jason, I'll handle this.
Um.
Uh, um.
I'll handle this, okay? If this is gonna take a while, I'm gonna call for a pizza.
Sit down, Ben.
Now, your mother and I were married in 1968.
Come on, Dad, we already know you weren't even living together in 1969.
-Well, yes.
-And we know you were divorced.
From somebody named Petula.
-Who? -I don't know.
And we know you got divorced too.
Don't try to deny that you were married to some guy your dad called a lunkhead.
That's right.
The lunkhead's your dad.
Thank you.
That explains it all.
I feel much better.
No, no, no, that explains nothing.
Kids, this is-- This is difficult to explain.
But, see, your dad and I went through a period where we-- We thought it was impossible to have two careers and a marriage.
It was.
I was doing my internship in Phoenix and your mom had the new job at Newsweek.
Yes, and we.
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