Well-- Hello.
We haven't officially met.
I'm Jason, this is Maggie.
Carol and Mike, this is Ben's brother and sister.
-Who's Ben? -Ben's the kid you met in the dumpster.
Our son.
-And you are? -Nancy Reagan.
Well, Nancy, nice to finally meet you in person.
Meet you in person.
Heh-heh.
Well, okay.
Ahem.
You know, there's just enough time before dinner for a nice hot shower.
So go ahead.
[WATER RUNNING] I have something for you to put on after your shower, Mrs.
Reagan.
I'll just slip your clothes into the washer.
-I don't wanna put you out or nothing.
-Oh, no, no, it's my pleasure.
I mean, how much trouble could it be to rinse out a couple of, you know-- Oh.
Things.
Oh, I hope my washer has a yuck cycle.
[SINGING] Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer Had a very shiny Knife JASON: Honey, can I come in? -Oh, please do.
I bribed the kids to set the table.
-Jason.
-Honey.
I'm sorry, I'll never bribe them again.
What are you doing? Oh, Jason, this belongs to her.
Oh, boy.
Honey, I think charity is wonderful, and you're a dear sweet man but can't we help someone who doesn't pack a pig-sticker? Honey, calm down.
Don't get excited.
Easy for you.
You're trained to deal with disturbed people.
You don't know that this kid is disturbed.
Jason, don't you think the fact that she lives in filth and carries her own cutlery indicates a teensy, weensy problem? Honey, I have an awful lot of experience dealing with runaways down at the shelter.
-I know.
-I know that they're lonely and desperate.
-Yes.
-They're frightened.
-Me too.
-All right, then let me talk to her.
I can promise you one thing.
She won't get the knife back.
If I sense any danger, I'll call the authorities.
Okay.
You see, I do know how to handle disturbed people.
Don't push your luck.
Feel better? Cleaner.
Hey, that's my blade.
Well, we would prefer that our guests were unarmed.
Fine.
Give me the knife and I'll split.
Can we talk? Just let me leave.
-Sit down.
-Why? Because I have a problem with the idea of you wandering the streets cold and hungry on Christmas Eve.
So you're a Democrat.
-Talk, or should I call the authorities? -Republican.
Sit.
If you're thinking of calling the juvies, I got things to do than talking to some stupid shrink.
Well, then, this isn't your day.
What do you mean? I'm a stupid shrink.
Oh, boy.
Out of all the dumpsters in the world, your kid had to fall into mine.
I don't see any Secret Service people around so I'm going to assume that you're not really Nancy Reagan.
Say, you are good.
Why did you run away? I didn't like the new TV season.
If everybody who hated TV did that, we won't have an empty dumpster between here and Denver.
Why did you really leave home? Because nobody wanted me there.
Your parents told you that? Look, doc, let me save you some time.
Nobody hit me, nobody touched me, nobody did anything.
Nobody gave a damn.
You sure? Look, who cares? I don't anymore.
I don't believe you.
So what? So if you want to use our phone, you don't have to tell them where you are.
Just make a call and let them know you're still alive, okay? [SIGHS] Okay.
You're gonna call the heat now, aren't you? That figures, that just figures.
No, I'm not gonna call anybody.
You see, you're wrong about me.
If you could be wrong about me you should consider the possibility you might be wrong about your folks too.
And for your information, in the last three elections I voted Independent.
[OVER STEREO] Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa la la la Mom, could you turn that down a little bit? Wait, wait, you're asking me to turn the stereo down? Yeah, all right, I know it's a first but, come on I'm getting fa-la-la-la-la'd to death here.
No problem, I'll put on The Beach Boys Christmas Album.
No, no, this is fine.
-Oh, Ben, don't you look--? -Save it, Mom.
This suit has weenie written all over it.
Hey, Ben, where's the kid? CarolÂs dressing her in some dippy outfit.
All's I know is she's not sitting next to me when I'm trying to eat.
Make way for big pig.
Heh-heh-heh.
And this is the last of it.
Hey, Mom, you should have heard what Dad just called you.
Let's eat, let's eat, let's eat.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, aren't we missing Carol and our guest? You look fine, I swear.
You guys are not gonna believe this.
Oh, don't you look wonderful? -Jason, doesn't she look beautiful? JASON: I know.
She doesn't look dippy at-- Ow! I'm sorry.
Was that you I kicked, Ben? Why don't you sit next to Ben? [SIGHS] You even smell good.
[CHUCKLES] I hardly miss the dumpster.
On that festive note I would like to remind you all of the great Seaver family tradition where we go around the table and everyone tell-- Everyone tells everybody else why they're so thankful for this.
-Dad, we do this every year.
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