Do we really have to wear these ugly sweaters? It's just until Grandma can see them.
My neck hole is too small.
Mine's itchy.
You know what? I'd rather be itchy than chokey.
Come on, Phil.
Hurry up.
Okay, here we go.
[Typing] Connecting.
[Lmitates Static] Come in, Florida.
Over.
Mom? Dad? - Hello, Philip.
- [Laughs] [All] Merry Christmas Eve! Merry Christmas Eve! A little- little lower, Dad.
[Deep Voice] Merry Christmas Eve! [Laughs] Thank you.
Get it? - Thanks for the sweaters.
- I-I- Oh, you're welcome.
[Luke] Thank you.
You look beautiful in them, darling.
- Where's Mom? - Mom is sinking fast.
[Phil] Uh-oh.
She's in the bathtub.
[Laughing] Get it? [Phil] They have that claw-foot.
Honey, come on.
Hey, Pops, here's the tree.
And, uh, there-there's the, uh- there's the ornament you sent us.
Right here.
Right here.
[Dad] Oh.
There are the stockings, hung by the chimney by Claire.
Ah! Still funny, Son.
[Laughter] [Claire] What the hell is that? Still funny.
What is that? That looks like a cigarette burn.
Was one of you smoking a cigarette? What? - [Children] No.
- [Claire] Which one of you was smoking? Not me.
I have a respiratory problem.
Obviously it wasn't you.
[Claire] Now I've got a family of liars and smokers.
Honey, come here.
- You gotta see this.
- Did you shoplift your Christmas presents too? Philip? Haley, keep that ugly sweater on.
Anyway, merry Christmas! [Man] Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey No, no, it isn't that kind of a trial.
[Sniffling] It's just because he says he's Santa Claus.
[Girl] But I've got a feeling he is Santa Claus, Mother.
[Mother] Some people don't believe that.
That's why- Are you crying? What are you, a robot? It's a deeply emotional movie.
Manny, miamor, I need you to help me in the kitchen.
[TV Off] We gotta finish this first, Gloria.
The kid's never seen Miracle on 34th Street.
That's because he always spends Christmas in Colombia with my family.
And all we see there is Salazar and El Oso Save Christmas.
Sounds like a classic.
[Gloria] It is.
Mom, can we finish the movie? Okay.
[TV On] [Girl] He's not like anyone else.
He must be Santa.
I think perhaps you're right, Susie.
[Shrieking] [Gasps] What the hell is that? What the hell is that? [Both Laughing] Inocente! What the hell? When you told me we were going to watch this movie, I got a joke copy from the Internet.
You are the inocente! [TV Off] Well, maybe I'm a little confused right now.
What is this "inocente" stuff? In Colombia, practical jokes are a Christmas tradition.
The one that is fooled is the inocente! We tell practical jokes on April Fool's Day, so do not do that again.
Ay.
[Laughing] "Inocente.
" [TV On] Does it do it again? Ah, it's ruined.
Are you kidding me with this line? I'm gonna ask Santa for the last 45 minutes of my life back.
Would you cheer up? We're in Santa's Village with our daughter.
Where were we a year ago? We were at the beginning of this line.
You know what? Somebody needs to get in the holiday- God rest ye merry gentlemen Son of a bitch.
Let nothing you dismay - Remember Christ our savior - Maybe it's not them.
Oh, it's them.
Was born on Christmas day To save us all It's them.
From Satan's power Three years ago, I formed a caroling group.
We were known as The Greensleevers.
We would perform at charity events, hospitals- [Mitchell] Ã'nd they were very, very popular.
Uh, last year, one of my carolers- Andrew- staged a little coup.
[Sustained Note] And he, um- They kicked Cameron out of the group.
[Carolers] Save us all from Satan's power When we were gone astray O tidings of comfort and joy Comfort and joy O tidings of comfort and joy [Applause] Thank you.
We're the New Greensleevers.
[Mouths Word] The New Greensleevers? Is there a slap mark on my face? I mean, why is Edna singing the low harmony? It's like people are applauding out of shock.
Let it go.
Why would- Okay, next.
Ah, finally.
Whoa! [Chuckles] I'm- I'm sorry.
Can I- Could you- What happened to the other Santa? Listen, we've been waiting in this line for a really long time, and we just want a Santa that actually looks like Santa.
Mitchell, it's okay.
No, no, no.
Cam, it's not okay.
This is Lily's first Christmas.
I want to make sure everything is perfect.
And we're gonna wait for the fat Santa.
All right? I knew this would happen.
I-I don't even know why we hired this guy.
See? Even his elves agree with me.
Thank you.
I didn't know Christmas made you so petty.
We wish you a merry Christmas - We wish you a merry Christmas - Lackluster! [Louder] We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year Good tidings we bring I hate you! This is unacceptable, and I want to know who did this.
- ÃÂmm? - Nobody, huh? I guess the couch did it to itself.
Guess it came home after a tough day, lit up a cigarette and then it burned itself.
Is that what happened? Because that makes no sense.
If whoever is responsible doesn't come forward, your father and I are just gonna have to punish all three of you.
What? [Claire] Yeah.
- That's not fair! - I can forgive the smoking, but I can't forgive the lie.
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