7. Big Trouble In Little Sanchez (第2季)【完整台词】

What's new at school? - Nothing.

Nothing! Oh, uh, one of the lunch ladies died.

They found her in the gym with, like, two holes in her neck and all the blood drained out of her.

Good lord! Who does something like that? Obviously a vampire.

W-w-where's the pepper? Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! Yes, Summer, vampires are real.

Who knew? Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now.

Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe.

Get used to it.

R-right, Rick? Well, what are we going to do?! We're gonna live our lives until we die.

Possibly by vampire.

More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

Grandpa Rick, couldn't you, like, use your superknowledge to turn yourself into a teenager and come to our school and help us hunt the vampire down? Um wow.

Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer.

I probably could turn myself into a teenager and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled, low-stakes assworld that is high school.

But here's my reverse-ask Why in the [Bleep] would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself? Dad! Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie.

Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter? Sor-ry! I wasn't paying attention.

To a conversation about vampires?! Clearly, I didn't know it was about vampires, because I wasn't paying attention, which you would know, if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role.

Am I a victim, Beth, or am I married to a mean, unfair monster that always hurts me?! Jesus Christ! Will you fix your marriage or get a divorce already? Well, we tried a couples' therapist.

That's earth therapy.

You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round.

I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified.

I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate.

Well, we want to make it work, if we can.

It's just - then it's settled.

No need to pack.

- Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think mom and dad are, you know, gonna get a divorce? I think it's okay to dream, Morty.

I'm gonna go make some wooden stakes.

I booked you for a two-day intensive at nuptia four, the galaxy's most successful couples' counseling institute.

They could save the marriage of a dog and a bar of dark chocolate.

They could save the marriage of a porn star and a porn star.

Well, I know I'm ready to try whatever it takes.

Which clearly implies that I'm not.

It's not a competition, Beth.

Oh is that how you're gonna try to win, by implying I'm competitive? If the shoe fits.

My shoe fits up your ass.

You wish! Okay, have fun.

See ya Thursday! Oh! Jerk.

Don't insult my father.

He's the reason our kids are only half-stupid.

Ha! You just called yourself Oh.

Beth and Jerry Smith? Yes.

I'm glaxo slimslom.

Welcome to nuptia four.

Your marriage can rest easy now.

Jerry, go ahead and sit there and put this on.

This machine isolates the part of the subject's brain containing all perceptions of its romantic partner.

And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth with artificial biological life.

Interesting.

What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do not think that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain.

Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret.

We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts.

Beth.

Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry.

Scan hard.

He's dead to me.

Everything's dead to you.

What? Nothing.

Read it and weep, bitch.

Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean.

Any leads on the vampire? No, Summer! I mean, you know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go.

Oh, so, now, you're too cool for this, just because grandpa Rick is? It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small.

Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How how did you Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks, what's the bfd?" So here I am.

I'm tiny Rick! O-o-okay.

Well, it's good you're here, Rick.

I was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own.

Don't short-sell yourself, Summer.

You got everything it takes.

But it'll still be fun to do this as a [Bleep] team, mother[Bleep] tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my God, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby.

I'm tiny Rick.

I'm new.

Hey oh go easy on me.

Ha ha.

Just kiddin'.

I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool.

Summer.

He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful.

We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats.

Stop, tiny Rick.

Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! [Bleep]! Tiny Ri-I-ck! The next step is to watch your mythologues interact together and, uh big surprise It's never pretty.

Here we have garrrh and zharbidar gloompfschs, or, should I say, here we have the way garrrh and zharbidar perceive each other.

As we can all see, this is hardly the real garrrh and zharbidar.

Which is good, because the relationship in their heads is not only ugly, it's unsustainable.

You may already be learning something important All of these relationships are different, none of them are real, and none of them work.

We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as, because we are real and we are functional.

That's what makes us better than them.

We can find solutions.

We can adapt.

We can communicate.

And, most importantly, we can work together.

Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off Our school is vampire-free! Man, who would've suspected coach feratu? You did great, guys.

Couldn't have done it without ya.

You know, we w-we should be proud of ourselves.

We killed a vampire and a gym teacher.

Ha ha ha.

Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, grandpa Rick? Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, That kind of thing.

It preserves living tissue.

Not that there was much to preserve.

Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha! And I guess it's time for me to get back inside the old-timer.

Oh, my God.

Toby Matthews is asking if my parents are still out of town and if we can have a party! All right, way to go, Summer! What did I tell you? Ohh! He's asking if tiny Rick will be here.