1. The Rickshank Redemption (第3季)【完整台词】

1 Rick: Anyway, that's how I escaped from space prison! Oh, scary place.

Wow, Rick! That's -- That's one -- one heck of a story.

I sure do wish I could have been there to see it happen.

Oh, come on.

Who wants to watch a mad scientist use handmade sci-fi tools to take out highly trained alien guards when we can sit here and be a family at Shoney's? Dad, it's great to have you back, no matter where we are, but wouldn't you like to go home? Emotionally speaking, honey, Shoney's is my home.

Yeah, but you just got out of prison.

I mean, how much of a step up from that is -- Jerry, get out of the booth, take all your clothes off, and fold yourself 12 times.

You got it.

[ Grunting ] Six folds, huh? W-W-What, have you guys got me in a Series 9000? You cheap insect [bleep] didn't think I was worth your best equipment? [ Chuckles ] Man, I told the money bugs.

I said, "You know who this guy is, right? You want me to get intel out of the smartest mammal in the galaxy, you better give me a decent brainalyzer.

" Well, you might as well order some pancakes, because I don't see the need to leave this part of my brain.

Oh, I think you do.

Eventually, you're either gonna relax your cerebellum Shoney's.

or the Series 9000 is going to turn it into mush.

[ Farts ] Relaxed enough? [ Chuckles ] I admire you, Rick.

[ Farts ] [ Laughs ] When I -- [ Farts ] [ Laughs ] Rick, here's -- [ Farts ] [ Laughs ] What's going on? It's hard to tell.

He may have manifested some sort of butt.

He can do that? He is the smartest man in the universe.

[ Sighs ] I tell ya, the Galactic Federation taking over Earth -- best thing that's ever happened to this family.

I just got my sixth promotion this week, and I still don't know what I do.

Who cares how high they promote you? Everyone just gets paid in pills.

Well, when you're not sure what you do for a living, youcan make your own rules.

Summer, show your father some respect.

He's pulling down a six-chewable figure income.

[ Bottle shatters ] I'll get that in a moment.

How are everyone's pills? Oh, Morty, you've hardly touched your pills.

I kind of had big pills for lunch, and I [muffled] wasn't gonna eat any more pills.

[ Gulps ] Thank you, Conroy.

You spoil us, Conroy.

Grandpa Rick wouldn't put up with this! Stop saying his name! He abandoned us.

Willem Dafoe! Th-That's the guy I couldn't think of this morning.

Don't make my mistake, Summer.

Don't deify the people that leave you.

You'll end up a horse surgeon in a world controlled by aliens whose medicine keeps horses [sobs] healthy forever.

[ Sniffles ] Horses live longer than tortoises now.

Is that what you want for yourself? Maybe I just want you to care if I run away yelling! Who saved room for pill brûlée? Ooh! [ Chuckles ] I can see why you chose this family-friendly restaurant to represent your cerebellum.

So safe, so comfortable, so Shoney's.

But admit it, Rick -- you're going crazy cooped up in here.

Let's go visit some memories.

Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered interdimensional travel? [ Squeals ] Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching.

Does that mean you're aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape? It's arousal.

Yes, I'd like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun.

Yeah, well, tough titties.

[ Rumbling ] There's no tougher titty than a psychotic break, Rick.

Well, that depends on who breaks first -- me or the titty.

Someone special you remember? Is that your memory of her out there -- between where you were on 9/11 and your favorite sports blooper? [ Whooshing ] If we stay here, you'll die, along with all your memories.

If you take me where I want to go she'll be there, too, won't she? The day I invented the portal gun is the day I lost her.

Oh, that sounds cool.

I can get what I want and you can say goodbye.

[ Sighs ] Fine, but I'm driving.

as an excuse to strip away our freedom.

Huh? What are you -- What are you doing? Grandpa Rick must have some secret lab, right? With, like, laser guns and jets packs and a space tank! And we can go break him out of prison! Look at these dead flies! Maybe if we arrange them in a certain order, it plays a hologram or it opens a secret door.

Summer, you're freaking me out.

I know things have changed a lot, and I know you miss Rick, but getting him back wouldn't make things better.

And, you know, we're not doing so bad.

We're miserable, Morty! There's a mandatory curfew, their weird calendar made me 47, and they weaponized the Eiffel Tower! Hey, I like being 35.

I-I can rent a car now.

Because you suck.

You've been keeping your lip zipped about it since Grandpa got arrested, but the fact is, you're freaking stoked to bail on him.

He bails on everybody! He bailed on Mom when she was a kid! He -- He bailed on tiny planet! And in case I never made this clear to you, Summer, he bailed on you.

He left you to rot in a world that he ruined because he doesn't care! Because nobody's special to him, Summer, not even himself.

So, if you really want your grandpa back, grab a shovel.

The one that won't let you down is buried in your backyard! You're right! What?! No, I'm not right.

I-I was using ghoulish overkill! Ghoulish overkill, Summer! [ Summer grunting ] [ Thunder crashes ] Oh, God! Oh, God! Whoa, whoa! [ Thunder crashes ] Where are we going? To the day it all began and ended.

The moment that changed everything.

Welcome to McDonald's.

Can I take your order? Yeah, I'd like to get a 10-piece McNugget and a bunch of the Szechuan sauce.

Like, as much as you're allowed to give me.

In 1998, they had this promotion for the Disney film "Mulan," where they -- where they -- they created a new sauce for the McNuggets called Szechuan sauce, and it's delicious! And then they got rid of it, and now it's gone.

This is the only place we're gonna be able to try it, is in my memory.

Rick, you're doing this bit while your brain is melting.

Okay.

All right, all right.

Is that Me.

I used to wear blue pants.

When'd you make the leap to interdimensional travel? I didn't.

Idid.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't us.

You know the worst part about inventing teleportation? Suddenly, you're able to travel the whole galaxy, and the first thing you learn is, you're the last guy to invent teleportation.

Fortunately, you're about to invent something much more powerful.

[ Squeals ] What? [ Thunder crashes ] Summer, nobody has to know about that.

We could put it right back and pretend we never saw it, like we did with Dad's mannequin leg.

Fine, stay here.

I'll rescue Grandpa myself.

And how are you gonna do that? I don't know yet.

I'll make it up as I go.

That's what Grandpa Rick does.

That's what heroes do.

Y-You want to see what a hero Rick is? I-I'll bring you somewhere, Summer.

Um My goodness, children.

[ Sternly ] Relinquish the illegal technology to the nearest Federation representative.

[ Normal voice ] And then we'll all play Balderdash.

[ Both whimper, scream ] [ Screaming ] [ Farting ] [ Grunts ] Oh, my goodness! Oh, oh! My goo-- [ Crackling ] Oh, my God.

I have that exact same top.

What is this place? And what's with "Hunger Games" Summer? That's my sister.

This used to be my home.

Imagine doing anything you want, then hopping to a timeline where you never did it.

Imagine going anywhere, anytime, with nobody able to stop you.

Sounds lonely.