5. The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy (第3季)【完整台词】

Jerry! Jerry, come on! We got to go! You got to come with me, Jerry! Rick? It's important, Jerry.

The fate of the galaxy rests on your shoulders.

Let's go.

Put some pants on.

N-Never mind, there's no time for pants, Jerry.

I'll make you a pair of pants on the way.

It's a Rick and Jerry adventure! Rick and Jerry episode! Then I thought, "Hey, what about Jerry? He's He's good with regular folk.

" This is a real situation where where Where Jerry could really shine.

"He's a master convincer.

" Rick, I'm not an idiot.

I know what this is.

Oh.

Okay, well, I told Morty, "Look, parents get divorced.

They get sad.

He'll be fine," but I think he's worried you're gonna, you know Pbht! And you know how Morty gets when he gets emotional.

It impedes my work.

So, I told him I'd take you out and give you a win.

Wait.

My son asked you to take me on some kind of pity adventure to keep me from killing myself? Wait, w-what did you think it was? An execution.

Geez! You really do need a win.

No! I-I don't know.

I mean, you never made me the pants, so So, you thought I was gonna drive you into the middle of the galaxy and shove you into the vacuum of space with your dick hanging out? And we're seeing how you'd act if that were about to happen? I mean I'll make you the pants right now.

Take me two seconds to make you pants.

I have pants at home! Jerry, if I make pants, they'll be better than your pants at home.

Also, if I wanted to kill you Yeah, I get it.

It would be amazing.

Please, take me home.

I'll tell my son we had an amazing adventure.

Well, if it's all the same, could we go get our story straight? Because you're a terrible liar.

You called me a master convincer! You believed me? Huh.

This seems kind of fancy.

Jerry, for all you know, this is the equivalent of an alien truck stop.

You have no frame of reference.

You're in a universe beyond your imagining.

But, yes, it is super fancy.

I mean, my job here is to make Morty happy.

I'm not gonna take you somewhere dangerous.

Rick Sanchez.

I told you if I ever saw your face in here again, I would stick you like the pig you are.

Shnoopy Bloopers, I told you if you tried There'd be two funerals.

Aaah!! Someone? Uh, someone? Someone! My friend! It has been too long.

Oh, it's great to see you again, buddy! Yeah, you're doing it.

Mr.

Sanchez gets anything he wants! The resort's covered in an immortality field.

You can't die here.

That's the gimmick.

Okay, but still Bad parenting.

Hey, rich a-holes are rich a-holes.

They all pay top dollar to come here and enjoy a consequence-free vacation.

No death, no disease, no dismemberment.

Can't even have a heart attack.

Got it.

The perfect place to take the most fragile being in the universe.

I can tell you expect me to refute that, but it's right on the money.

If I come home without you, I doubt Morty's gonna let me off the hook.

Yeah, but what if you came home with Jeff Goldblum.

Jeff Goldblum? What the are you talking about, Jerry? Jesus! Holy shit! Yo, what's up, "Big Chill"?! Don't go into the telepod! Hey, maybe we would have fun on a fake adventure.

On a fake adventure.

Speaking of What are we gonna tell Morty? I don't know.

But whatever it is, we're gonna need a couple more of these babies! What's wrong? Mom, do you think I'm hot? I don't think that's something that matters.

So, I'm not hot?! I'm saying the part of you that cares about that is a part you shouldn't give any energy to.

That's not an answer! Because I'm not an issue of Cosmo, okay? I'm your mother and a doctor, and I'm hideous! Geez.

What's with her? Teenage-girl stuff.

Is that a hoof collage? It's perfectly legal, if that's what you're wondering.

Cool zies.

"We just don't have anything in common any more, Summer.

" Oh, yeah, Ethan? What do you have in common with Tricia Lange? A mutual love of French cinema? The belief that a carbon tax is the only viable solution to climate change? Or could it be her massive stripper titties?! There it is.

Boob-ya! And that's when Malakai the Squid came, rips off his face, and beneath it is my face.

I liked it.

Thank you, sir.

Yeah, of course he likes it.

Look at him.

Mother got two heads and three trunks.

All right, we'll put a pin in it.

I'm gonna go take a leak.

What the?! My hands are dry! My hands are dry! My name is Risotto Groupon.

I am the assistant general manager of the restaurant.

Do you have any comment cards, because I might have some thoughts.

My kingdom was usurped by force with weapons and technology supplied by your father-in-law! Hey, he usurped my kingdom, too, man.

He basically got me kicked out of my home, stole my family.

Then we are brothers, and you have wondered what your life could have been without Rick.

Wondered? Sure.

I mean, I've wondered about having a vagina.

Would you help me kill him? What? No! He's my wife's father.

Move on.

Do you like theme-park rides? Oh, you really moved on.

There is a popular attraction here called the Whirly Dirly.

Between the first whirly and the third dirly, the ride dips just outside the immortality field.

You're asking me to lure Rick to his death? I'm only asking you to go on a ride with Rick, get off the ride without Rick, and go home to your family, where you can wonder about having a vagina.

Okay, okay, that was a very specific example pulled from thin air.

I don't want to be known as the vagina guy.

Risotto, you're needed.

Someone ordered the Nuzzy Guzzy Fresh and Fluzzy Special.

Look, I'm not like Rick, so you're free to do as you please.

But there comes a time in every man's life when he must choose the foundation on which his legacy will be built One of compromise or one of blood.

Oh, yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

Oops! Okay, a little more on the other side then.

Oh, come on! Oh, geez! Aah! Stop! So, the hospital just let you walk right out of there with horse parts in a bag? For Christ's sakes, Morty, women going through a divorce need a creative outlet.

What was that? Summer! I'm coming, Summer! What the hell happened?! How do we get her back to normal?! I don't know, man! This thing is pretty complicated.