Do you know what this is? Let me explain something to you.
This is POTUS trying to screw me, okay? This is the unflushable turd that is left in the can for the next person, e.
g.
me.
The toilet's still broken, FYI.
Has POTUS gone nuts? We can't have a crazy president.
In Italy they do.
We have to get all of the special interest groups in.
Right, we have to bring them all in, and I'll listen the shit out of every one of those morons.
This issue is toxic.
So keep the groups apart.
Pro-choice in the morning, pro-life in the afternoon so nobody shoots any doctors.
Ma'am, listen, you're going to end up pissing somebody off.
It's better to just take a stand now.
Putting through Mike.
Hi, guys.
How was that coast guard boat, huh? - That's my bad.
- Just put it through on this one.
Incompatibility issues.
Just bring it over here, please.
- Hang on, Mike.
- Hello? - It doesn't reach.
- Would you please move? - Yes.
- You hold this here.
Were you on an RB-M or an RB-S II? We really can't talk about the boat right now, because, Mike, we're trying to figure out how I think about this issue.
Okay- The Post wants to know if you've changed your stance on abortion - Re POTUS.
- Yeah.
So you could say, "As a woman I believe" No, no, no! No, no, no! I can't identify myself as a woman.
People can't know that.
Men hate that.
And women who hate women hate that, which, I believe, is most women, don't you agree with that? Yes, and, ma'am, we should bag this up and take it back to DC.
- Good idea.
- Yeah.
Right.
Oh.
Uh, Jonah knows we opened a campaign office.
He came by my house, Wendy's house.
You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house? And you didn't shoot him? Oh, hey, Ben, I didn't know you were on the phone.
I swear to God, I felt better on the fucking boat.
Ma'am, didn't you write something about abortion in your book? Oh! - Good point.
Good point.
- Yeah.
Good, Gary.
Good.
Where's the book? Does anybody have a copy of the book here? - Guys, who has a copy? - What did she write? You know what? I have a bunch of unsold ones in my car.
Honey, is Selina's book in the bathroom? Okay, here we go.
Abbey Road, abolition, Aboriginal mask - Page 135.
- This is it.
"Freedom is what this nation is built on" blah, blah, blah "And freedom means the freedom to choose "how to use that freedom to protect the freedom of others.
" Sorry, that's just pastel-colored shit.
It's gotta be more clear than that.
You make it very clear you're pro-choice.
Okay, I got it, "Freedom is what this nation " Done it, Mike.
It's gonna come down to the cutoff week.
- It always does.
- There's two doors, okay? - Pro-choice' pro-life.
- Yeah.
There's no point in rattling the handles on either one of them.
You just gotta pick a door and walk through it.
Ma'am, Kent Davison called.
There was an issue with the patch-through, it doesn't matter.
Message, "Urgent, have booked you to appear on GMA at 7:00.
" I'm sorry, what did you just say? Give me this, God damn it.
- He said 7:00 a.
m.
? - It's Good Morning America, Amy.
- The clue is in the title.
- Ame, can we - We can't unbook you.
- No, no.
That would look bad.
Jesus.
Fucking Kent.
I can't listen to that Joan Crawford bitch about Bette Davis any longer.
Well, this is POTUS, you know? This is the president trying to tell me what to do.
He can't do that.
I'm the Vice President of the United States.
That's right.
That's right.
And as vice president, here's your choice, two doors, pro-choice, pro-life.
That's it.
Is there a third door? - What, like a woman's door? - A back door? No.
A trapdoor? This is Jonah Ryan and you are witnessing the birth of Ryantology.
Old media like The Washington Toast, better go run and hide in the bathroom and join The Poo York Times.
Because we are cutting in.
I'm going to be updating more than I'm actually dating, which is a shitload.
First up, abortion.
And now that the president's given his State of the Uterus address, where will the others fall in? We have Maddox.
He's conservative.
Chung, he's liberal.
But where does Selina Meyer stand? The first call could rule them all.
- So how do I turn this off? - You just hit the red button.
- There are two.
There's one on the side.
- Just the one in the middle.
Why do I gotta deal with this pile of ass in the middle of the night? Because we need to get first dibs on a statement.
Well, you know what I think.
I'm a Christian.
- I'm not going to deny that.
- Please, do not go religious.
- Go ambiguous.
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