We are in the ass of the hurricane.
You may never meet her personally.
She may never catch your eye or ever thank you, but Selina Meyer will never forget you.
You are going to change America in a way that usually only war and fluoride can.
She's gonna ask you for a chamomile.
She doesn't want chamomile.
She wants peppermint.
Okay? She gets a little confused, but do not point it out.
You guys are the chosen ones, all right? Not in a Jewish way, either.
In a' like' selected from a very short list of 10 way.
Some people say three microwaves is overkill.
My response is always, Tapas.
And never, ever, ever fuck up.
End of induction.
Clear? Well, the old politics just is not working.
I'm an American, and I aim to be a team player.
Now, running the country isn't a whole heck of a lot different than running a team.
It's just a few more people involved.
What is our take on this one-dick pony? He's an ex-baseball manager.
You know that saying, "Anyone can run for president"? Joe Thornhill is the only reason that that's utter bullshit.
The United States is a team, and I wanna be your designated hitter.
You know what? I've got to say something to these folks.
Okay? What is that smell? What is that smell? I just put Icy Hot on my shoulder.
- Oh, my God, it's so bad.
- I'm so sorry.
My nostrils feel like Vietnam.
Okay.
- You're still speaking? Yeah, ma'am? - Yes, I am.
Oh, my goodness! What a journey we are about to begin.
And how does a journey begin? With a first step.
So, watch my foot.
Boom! Genius! How about that? That Mike McLintock.
He's our head of Whoop.
I don't know where he went, but Let's do it, then.
Yes! Where is Gary? Wheres everyone running off to? Is this the beginning of the Rapture or what? - I wouldn't give it a second thought.
- I'm not, I was just asking.
Okay.
Here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
We have liftoff.
The rockets are lit.
Let's get this baby in the air.
- Show me something.
- Show us thethewhat you got.
I'm just an honest Joe, and I like to speak my mind.
Yeah, boy.
How much would I love to speak my mind on this campaign? Can you imagine if I did that? "Mississippi is chock-full of assholes.
" "I don't trust the Chinese.
" "I gotta tell you something "I'm not gonna be able to pass a single piece of legislation "that's really gonna make any fuck of a difference in your life.
" - So hows that for my platform? - Got my vote.
- Yeah, I got your vote.
- Forget about him, all right? No, no, no.
Concentrate on Maddox, not Thornhill.
Maddox can walk without looking at his feet.
Can we Thanks, Ame.
What about this luncheon with Ericsson? I don't want Dan and Amy to know I'm three-timing them.
Come on.
Look.
Ericsson is the perfect campaign manager, okay? He's Amy without a conscience and he's Dan without the The 5% that needs to be loved.
- Okay? Come on.
- I know.
- Ma'am? - Yep, it's me.
No, no.
Don't look at me, please.
Thank you.
What time is the unofficial lunch that I am not having today? Yeah, it is not officially at 12:45.
Thank you for not letting me know about anything at all.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
What are you doing, Gary? What's in the bag, Mike? You go first.
I'm washing Icy Hot out of my shirt.
- Of course.
- Now it's your turn.
I can't say.
I gotta wash my hands.
Oh, my God.
Is that bag full of your fluids? Not the whole bag.
A specimen cup full of little Mikes.
Look, Wendy and I are trying IVF.
We're on a very strict schedule.
Please don't say anything.
You're telling me the whole time I was washing my shirt, you were in there doing that? Jesus, Gary, grow up.
All my "troops" are in a cold bag now, okay? I just gotta get them to the doctor so he can begin the assault on Egg Mountain.
Okay, that's a strong opening, but I think you're gonna want a more active verb there.
- Why is Dan being so nice? - You guys remind me of me when I was you.
- Look at me now.
- Nobody says shit like that voluntarily.
Dan is campaigning for campaign manager, okay? - You're not pushing for him, are you? - Christ, no.
I'd rather cede control of the CIA to Pakistan than see Dan lead a campaign.
Should I be campaigning? Do you really have to ask me that? I can't do the "be nice to people" because that's what Dan's doing.
Also, 'cause I can't do it.
Why don't you just invite us over for dinner? - Did you get my text? - I got your text.
- You didn't answer.
- Oh, there is no answering that.
Crystal, come here.
I need you to take this to this address.
Just leave it with the nurse.
Fast as you can, but don't crash.
There he is, Mr.
Media Master Mike.
- Mike, where have you been? - Oh, the bathroom.
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