(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
It's time.
(GOBBLING)
Thanksgiving has always
meant sharing the bounty
of our rich land,
especially turkey.
But the one thing we will
not be sharing this holiday
is Drumstick or Cranberry.
Catherine actually personally chose
those names, didn't you, honey?
- Um, yes, I did.
- Yes, she did.
Help me get a few more details about these
turkeys that I can maybe give the press.
Like are they gonna hit the
minibar tonight at their hotel?
Well, we booked the
hotel for a few nights,
but I'm taking these guys
straight to a petting zoo
in Virginia after the ceremony.
Oh, they can while away the rest
of their peaceful years there.
Well, they were bred to be eaten,
so they'll probably collapse
from their own weight and
die in a year or two, tops.
Is there a more fun way to say that?
With the power vested in me,
I hereby declare Drumstick and Cranberry
pardoned from the
Thanksgiving dinner table
and also for tax evasion.
(CROWD LAUGHS)
- There we go.
Oh! Oh!
- (GOBBLING)
I think they're trying to fly away.
Ooh, these birds are filthy.
- Dan.
- Hey, why have I been greened?
- Will you tell our friend over here
- Take it easy.
It's just a screwup with
the security office.
Someone's got a case of the
blue badge blue balls.
I'm gonna assign you
to Tom James' office.
They're shorthanded since we're
duking it out with Congress.
I'll escort him in.
He's harmless.
Unless you got a sister.
You looking forward to
Thanksgiving, Marjorie?
- Oh, yes, ma'am.
- Where do you spend the holiday?
- In Maryland, ma'am.
- Oh, that's where I'm from.
I know, ma'am.
Selina: Okay, so tell Congressman Price
I just pardoned his stanky-ass turkeys,
so I'm gonna expect him to wrap up
that Missouri delegation
when the House votes, right?
Well played, ma'am.
Missouri's the largest
turkey-producing state in the union.
Second only to Minnesota
followed by North Carolina.
Ma'am.
And Arkansas.
Maybe I can pardon a car
with a defective airbag
(SNAPS FINGERS) and
we can wrap up Michigan.
Michigan is actually the largest
producer of battery acid.
Can somebody reach around the back
of Kent's head and power him down?
Oh, ma'am, latest from Treasury
is housing starts are down
and unemployment's up.
Any chance we can switch those?
I'll turn the graphs upside down.
Oh, listen, I'm not gonna need
you this weekend or tomorrow,
- so you can take that off, okay?
- Oh, fantastic.
My husband and I are having his
whole family over for turkey.
Husband? You're married?
Yes.
Last year.
250 people, no one from work.
Catherine: Mom, can I have a sec?
- Privately?
- Sure, honey.
- What is it?
- Okay.
Well, I was just gonna
go meet Dad and Monica.
I was just wondering what
time you'll be arriving.
Oh, honey, I can't.
But it's the first Thanksgiving
since Mee-maw's gone.
There's a lot to be thankful for.
But we're doing a whole
dinner at her house.
I mean, it or, well, my house.
God, it still sounds
so weird saying that.
Yeah, it really does.
But I have to be here, sweetie pie,
'cause I've got to call all
of these Congress people.
Whip the vote.
You understand that.
Mommy's got to whip.
- Whip it good.
What is that?
- Devo.
Well, can't you make those
phone calls from anywhere?
- Nope, it's got to be Washington.
- Right.
It makes a big difference to know
that she's calling from the Oval.
But doesn't it just come up as unlisted?
They're ready in the Roosevelt Room.
Mom, so this is the
famous White House mess.
- Oh, very nice, Joni.
- Yeah, isn't it?
So this was renovated in 1951 by
hey, I'll be right back.
Okay, just one second.
Ooh, is that the mandarin chicken salad?
Looks delicious.
Hey,
can I see your badge?
My rusty sheriff's badge?
Oh, I'm sure that showing your anus gets
you into all your regular social clubs,
but this is the White House
mess and to be in here,
you got to have one of
these blue bad boys.
Why are you doing this, Jonah?
You see the picture of Grover Cleveland?
Is that a tear in his eye
because he knows the rules
aren't being respected?
Oh, Jesus.
Fuck you.
Excuse me, sir.
We
have an intruder here.
No, we don't.
You know, Jonah,
I hope you die a horrible death
choking on a red, glistening dog dick.
- Have a lovely Thanksgiving, Mrs.
Ryan.
- Oh, you, too.
- Well, I'm ready if you are.
- For what?
I invited Richard to come back
with us for Thanksgiving tomorrow.
Mom, you don't invite my friends
to Thanksgiving dinner.
I invite my friends to
Thanksgiving dinner.
Richard, would you like to
come to Thanksgiving dinner?
MAN ON TV: Thanksgiving
wouldn't be complete
(KNOCKS)
Morning.
Happy Thanksgiving.
- Are they ready for me?
- Yeah.
It's this election has
just been brutal on me.
My eyelids are seriously starting to
look like Keith Richards' ball sack.
- Oh, please.
He wishes.
- Ma'am, Mike just announced to the press
that we're closing up shop for the
Thanksgiving holiday and we're monitoring
a North Korean military exercise
right now and that's about it.
God, all that exercising
and Glorious Leader
still can't seem to take
off a pound, right?
That haircut's not doing him any favors.
The South Korean PM is asking
for a few minutes to discuss.
And the CDC is reporting
a few more cases
of salmonella poisoning linked
to contaminated poultry.
Tell the South Korean PM I'll give
her a call later this afternoon.
- Right.
- After, you know.
Wish me luck, though.
- Good luck.
- Yeah.
- Madam President.
- Dr.
Abernathy.
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