1
SELINA: Congresswoman Nickerson,
I just want you to know
that I won't forget my
friends in Congress.
These are fabulous.
- Wow.
- Her people say she wants the mug.
Would you like to keep the
mugs for your minivan?
How did you know I have a minivan?
- Just a good guess.
- (LAUGHS)
Before I ran for Congress, I was
a stay-at-home mother of six.
Ugh, yeah.
I tell you, if I could not get there
in a minivan, then I wasn't going.
- Right.
- You know the drill.
Indeed I do, yeah.
I mean, my license
expired a few years ago,
but I get the general idea.
So, Penny.
Penny.
We want to reauthorize the
amphibious fighting boat
and have them built in your district.
I saw a blanket out front that
said Air Force One on it.
It looks really beautiful.
Let's get one of our care packages
and then we can throw one
of those blankets in there.
- With the throw pillows?
- Yeah.
So what do you think? Can
I count on your support?
Okey-dokey, Annie Oakley.
- Bless your pea-picking heart.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
Would you like to call
someone from Air Force One?
- That usually freaks people out.
- Oh, my gosh.
My Donald.
He has chemo today.
(GASPS) Fantastic.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Let me tell you something
else about Selina Meyer,
our commander-in-thief.
Check out the tits in the third row.
I could dribble those
things like basketballs.
She has destroyed the economy,
made a mess of the Middle East,
she ruined Thanksgiving,
and that's all in just
10 months in office.
Kent says Jonah's up
another five points.
- Wait, what?
- We're gonna win in Nashua.
And we're gonna win in
Peterborough and Keene
and Brattleboro, yeah!
My name is Jonah Ryan and I
CROWD: Won't back down!
- (BAND PLAYING)
- (CHEERING)
- REPORTERS: Mike! Mike! Mike!
- Uh, Jim.
Jim.
Mike, the navy doesn't even want the
amphibious fighting boat anymore.
Is it a coincidence that the plant
that builds it is in Congresswoman
Nickerson's district?
Jim, if our nation's enemies decide
to drop the puck on hostilities,
then our navy and our
allies will be very glad
we have the military
capabilities we need.
- Drop the puck?
- Common hockey term.
Uh, Donna.
Mike, question about the
president's daughter Catherine.
- Is it true that
- Oh, I just heard the buzzer.
That is the end of the third period.
- See you at the next face-off.
- Mike! Mike!
You know, with Nickerson's support,
that clinches Colorado
for us four to three.
That doesn't look like Santa.
The White House officially
celebrates Diwali,
Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa
- and Mawlid al-Nabi
- I know.
the alleged birth date
of the prophet Muhammad.
Well, I suppose putting a few pictures
up of Muhammad never hurt anyone.
Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of
press interest about Catherine
- and, you know, her condition.
- What?
She's a lesbian, Mike.
She's not a werewolf.
Although either one would explain
why she never shaves her legs.
- Anything else?
- Yeah.
"The Hill's" 50 Hottest
Staffers list is out.
When does the White House's most
useless press secretary list come out?
I can't wait to see who's
number one this year.
- I voted for Mike.
- AMY: I hate that thing.
Every year it means a month of horny
Senate aides looking down my blouse.
KENT: Also, their
methodology is unsound.
I don't think you're
in it this year, Ame.
There you go, Amy.
Problem solved.
Oh, my God, Candi Caruso ranked 17.
Look at this picture.
No way, look who's 21.
- Gary.
- What?
Who's 22? The Elephant Man?
Oh, my God.
(CHUCKLES)
- Hey, 21.
- Hmm.
Rose hip tea, okay? Or I'm gonna 86 you.
(PHONES BUZZES)
DAN: Just got an endorsement
from the "Courier.
"
The emails from Tom Petty's lawyers
keep on getting angrier and angrier.
How am I not on "The Hill's" 50
Hottest Staffers list this year?
This year? It's the 50
Hottest Staffers, Jonah,
not the 50 people most likely to
kill themselves before trial.
I am on a career rocket ship
to Mars right now, Dan,
except I'm gonna leave Matt Damon
there because the guy made potatoes
in his own shit like a fucking animal.
The whole point of the 50
Hottest is not to be on it.
- You're number 26, Mr.
Egan.
- Yeah, five years in a row now.
It's to use it to learn who to fuck.
Who?
Find a woman who was on it
last year, but not this year.
I mean, that's like a "make
her pay for dinner" situation.
Does that work?
If you don't look like someone melted
Play-Doh all over a flagpole, it does.
Wow, you're a fantastic
campaign manager.
Yeah.
Fucking Gary's number 21?
What? Well, that just makes a mockery
of the very idea of hot rankings.
Well, it makes sense.
He's got beautiful eyes.
- SELINA: There they are.
- TOM: Madam President.
- Hello, gentlemen.
- Children.
All right, let's get to this.
Let's make it quick.
Roger, you want to walk us
through the drill right now?
And would you please, please
try and keep it clean?
Madam President, tomorrow night
is the president's annual
holiday party for congressional
members and their families.
Ma'am, you'll need to make
the initial approach.
Ben will keep the offer straight.
Kent will keep a running tally.
Tom, you'll be in charge
of putting out any fires.
And once you're all done
with them, I'll move in
and squirt a half gallon of ropey jism
into their modeled
congressional cornholes.
Oh, you made it so far and
then you just (SIGHS)
Tom, do you have anything
that you would like to add?
No, Roger took my thing
about ropey jism.
- Right.
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