9. Kissing Your Sister (第5季)【完整台词】

1 (BIRDS CHIRPING) (GAVEL BANGING) MARWOOD: The House will come to order for a roll call vote on the matter of who will be the President of the United States.

Senator William O'Brien from Arizona All right, here we go.

Alabama first in the alphabet, last in every other fucking thing.

I believe it's number one in easiest state - to get away with murdering a black guy.

- Come on, come on.

SEFTON: Alabama casts its vote for President Selina Meyer.

That's my town! Ooh, bam-a-lama ding dong! Yeah oh, Catherine.

Would you please give it a rest with that camera? CATHERINE: My name is Catherine Meyer.

I've spent my entire life in the public eye.

While the public will always remember me as the little girl who fell off the stage twice in one evening, I'm a grown woman now with my own passions and interests.

One of the biggest things that ever happened in my life and my family's life happened when the House of Representatives voted to decide the presidency of the United States for the first time in 140 years.

Almost two months to the day earlier, the American people voted for president, but that night ended in an historic electoral college tie between Senator Bill O'Brien and the sitting president Selina Meyer, my mom.

It meant that the House of Representatives needed to vote to break the tie and choose a president.

My bowling coach used to say a tie was like kissing your sister.

Yeah, well, this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest.

CATHERINE: In order to tell this story, I have to go back to where it all began, the day after the presidential election was tied.

I do not give my consent to have my likeness appear in this or any other film.

SUE: The president will see you now.

CATHERINE: I set out to make a film about the tie, but somewhere along the way, I ended up discovering something about myself.

I'm gonna have to have approval over all of this footage, Catherine, okay? Okay, we can talk about that after.

CATHERINE: When did you first know that you wanted to be president? SELINA: It was 1973.

- Catherine, out.

- I was a very little girl and Mother wasn't "feeling well.

" Daddy asked me to be his date for President Nixon's inaugural ball.

Daddy did a lot of business with Bebe Rebozo.

President Nixon entered the room and, you know, he had his bow tie and his eyebrows.

Daddy leaned in to me and he said, "You know, a lot of people don't like Nixon, but by God, they respect him.

And that's you, peanut.

" - MARWOOD: Delaware? - Come on, come on.

Delaware votes for President Selina Meyer.

- Oh! - I don't want to jinx things, guys, but I think maybe we should start making our list of who I'm going to punish when I win.

- Where are you? - I don't know.

I went home with a congressional fan girl last night.

I don't have my car.

I think I'm in Maryland.

Well, first of all, sir, congratulations are in order.

Shh! She's got a fucking parrot, and if the parrot wakes up, the parrot's gonna make noise and wake up her mom.

- Has the vote started yet? - Yes, Delaware just voted.

Shit.

Shit.

Okay, you gotta come get me.

Okay, just drop a pin in Apple Maps and I don't know how to drop a fucking pin.

Well, it's a really intuitive feature.

- Do you have iOS 9.

2.

3? - Shut up.

Bring me a change of clothes and come and get me.

CATHERINE: The day after the tie, the stock markets crashed, but my mom did everything she could to get them back on track.

This afternoon, I asked Tom James to do his country the honor of stepping up to serve as economy czar and to my absolute delight, he said yes.

TOM: Did you ever play sports? Remember how no one ever wanted to play catcher? Playing catcher is kind of like being the economy czar.

There's not a lot of glory, but a lot of squatting.

A lot of asses in your face.

CATHERINE: Thank you so much, Senator James.

You're very welcome.

- How's it going? - It's going very well, thanks.

- And Bob's your uncle.

- Knock, knock, future calling.

Cheese, please, Louise.

Gentlemen, you know the first daughter.

We do.

She's interviewing me for a college project.

No, it's a doc.

Oh, yeah, like one of those movies for people who like to be sad.

CATHERINE: What do you think of the electoral tie? You know, at night when I dare to close my eyes, I dream about your mother losing and then coming upon her holding a cardboard sign at the bottom of a highway exit ramp.

Now, if I were Tom James, I would just try to get three states to abstain and then it would go to the Senate, serving the president the most abject humiliation in the history of the United States.

Oh, you know what the cardboard sign says? What does it say? It says, "I'm so sorry, Bill Ericsson.

" CATHERINE: What if you lose the presidency? Well, I'll tell you something, you can't think that way.

That's what Mother always said.

When you have those kinds of negative feelings, you just pick them up and you stuff them in your box and you close it down tight and you take that box and you shove it way back here in your in the corner of your head and swallow that key.

And then, poof, they're gone.

And then that's it.

And it works, too, sweetie.

That's something that Mother told me that works.

Okay, you pour the hot water into the pot, all right? Swirl it around a bit.

And then you pour it out, okay? That's called hot in the pot.

Now this is a special blend I've got.

It's got chamomile and rose hips and some other little special ingredients that I'm not gonna tell you on camera.

CATHERINE: Um, my question was what's your take on the financial crisis.

Oh.

I just think they ran out of money.

They should probably just print more.

I don't know why it's been such a big issue.

Okay, guys, when are we gonna fire Mike, by the way? Because it is seriously just one fuckup after fuckup with him.

Yeah, right after the inauguration, we'll show Mr.

McShittock the door.

CATHERINE: Hey.

Hi.

I love my job.

Oh, my God, I want to do it forever.

Especially because this is the kind of job that I've gotten better at every year.

And it's also the kind of job that you need to be fast on your feet.

You need to be quick and you need to sort of, uh, I don't even know what the word is.

We're in the process of converting the guest bedroom into a nursery for our arriving Chinese angel.

And Ta-da! We went with a Winnie the Pooh knockoff.

It's made in China so Ellen will feel right at home.

I think he's called Happy Sun Bear.

So much cheaper.

And we've checked the room for lead, so there's actually, I need I'm supposed to check I have to get a guy to check the room for lead, but we will check for lead.

CATHERINE: In mid-November, my mom's team challenged the vote totals in Nevada, which meant the tie might not be a tie any longer.

- I've changed my mind.