1
Selina: You know how much I
love the size of your jet,
and oh, my God, what?
What is this weather? Why doesn't
everybody just go to St.
Bart's?
I miss it already.
It was so romantic.
- Just the two of us.
- (both moan)
- And Gary.
- Gary: So passionate.
It's just what I needed, you know?
That ocean air and the
crystal blue water.
Oh, and not to mention
the topless beach.
I didn't see anything.
- Selina: Next time, I wanna stay longer.
- Hello, ma'am.
- Hello, Marjorie.
- I'm sorry to be so hysterical,
- but we have a situation.
- What are you talking about?
Catherine's on bed rest.
She's been
diagnosed with an incompetent cervix.
Well, why should her cervix be any
different than the rest of her?
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Jaffar.
Before you even ask, we have
taken a break from sex,
specifically penetrative sex.
- She has a penis?
- I don't know.
Honey, what are you doing here?
Well, yeah, I'm on bed rest
so that the stitches don't
get ripped out of my cervix.
- (all groan)
- Oh, my gosh.
Well, this isn't bed rest,
this is couch rest.
Did you put a towel or
anything underneath her?
Because, girls, this is
imported French linen.
- Maybe a waterproof tarp.
- Yes, actually,
or even a garbage bag, you
know, in case she leaks.
- Special delivery! Advance copies.
- Selina: Really?!
- My book, my book, my book!
- Mike: Fresh off the presses.
- Finally getting paid.
- Well, we'll see.
- (gasps) No!
- Yeah.
- Look how pretty!
- Oh, the prettiest!
- "A Woman First: First Woman.
"
- Yeah.
You could get murdered in my country
for saying something like that.
- It's a bit of a pun.
- No, it's not.
There's a typo on the first page.
- What?
- The first sentence.
"From the moment I entered
the the White House.
"
- Is that a pun?
- Well, that's on you, Amy,
because you were in charge of the book.
- That's copy editing.
- Congratulations again, Amy.
Richard! So glad to see you.
I missed you.
Ah, welcome back, ma'am.
Also,
Ambassador, ahlan wa sahlan.
(speaking native language)
(laughs) Now that's a pun!
Ma'am, you are confirmed
for tomorrow night
for "The Tonight Show" to
kick off the book tour.
- Yeah.
- Which, again, is tomorrow night,
- not tonight, despite the title.
- Okay.
And you're doing the "Today"
show one week from yesterday.
Wow, that smells good.
What is that?
Oh, it's Catherine's uterine tea.
Catherine: Yeah, it's a broth
of red raspberry leaf,
black haw, and false unicorn root.
I hope that's going in your mouth.
Whatever happened to half a bottle of
red wine and three Virginia Slims?
Ma'am, the producer of "The Tonight
Show" thought it would be fun if
No, you know what? Nothing's
fun on that show.
I need to go and unpack.
- All: Good night, ma'am.
- What? I'm not on bed rest.
- My cervix is as tight as a snare drum.
- Oh, yes, it is.
I'm not mentioned in this
book until page 134.
I once dry-shaved that woman's legs
under her desk during a cabinet meeting.
Yeah, I'm not in there till
213, and I wrote the book.
(gasps) Ooh, page 93, suckers!
"As Gary poured my tea, I realized the
hostages" Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
- Oh, yes!
- Amy: How about you, Richard?
- Did you make the book?
- Just the dedication.
Kent: Congressman, I put
up all your flyers.
Ooh, hey, fantastic
Oh, God damn it, this
office sucks my nard!
A punishment from Congressman Furlong
and the speaker and the president.
An astonishing bipartisan agreement.
Some interesting reading arrived.
- No such thing.
- Well, President Meyer's book.
- Take a look.
- All right, let's see if I'm in here.
- Jordan, jobs
- Try Ryan.
I know, Kent.
I was looking up jobs
because they're important
to the American people.
- R-Y-A
- I know how to spell my last name, Kent.
Are you fucking kidding?
I'm not in here.
I ruined her administration,
like, four times.
You'd think that'd count for something.
- Are you in here?
- 12 mentions.
Adequate.
Jonah, I just saw the latest polls.
The shutdown really hurt you
in Massachusetts' anus.
AKA New Hampshire.
You're only up by five points
in your reelection against
Selectman Di Vicentis
when you should be up by 20 points.
Whoa, I'm only up five on Skeevy Deevy?
I went to summer camp with that dude
and he was too afraid to get changed
in front of the other boys.
- I thought that was you.
- No, I'm pretty sure it was him.
It was you.
How do you know, Kent? Were
you at that summer camp?
- Tanz: Ah, there he is.
- Oh, hello, sir.
God!
Jonah, my boy, I've
come to say farewell.
I'm pulling all my financial support
the PACs, the reelection
committees, everything.
I suppose I should've hired some
goons to kick the shit out of you,
but you're dating my daughter, so.
- Dad.
- I know I've had some setbacks
No, no, don't take it so hard!
Come on, Shawnee, let's boogie.
No, you don't tell me what to do.
I'm not one of your precious inmates.
- I'm staying with Jonah.
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