- You are?
- Are you pregnant?
- No, I'm not pregnant.
All: Oh, thank God.
I thought we'd wait
till we bought a house.
If you stay with him, you're cut off.
- Okay.
- If you change your mind before dinner,
we're having Peking Gourmet.
I'm not coming, but order me some
slippery shrimp just in case.
(sighs)
Babe, did you give up
your inheritance for me?
Are you out of your fucking mind?
I still have my trust.
- Oh, money!
- We're moving the wedding up.
Just as soon as you
finish your conversion.
- Mazel tov.
- Oh, thanks, Kent.
God motherfucker!
Okay, I'm gonna get you a bike helmet.
I don't need a bike helmet!
God damn it, ow!
As you may have heard,
today marks my departure
from the "CBS Morning
Show with Dan Egan.
"
But you'll still be
able to find me weekly
on our CBS digital platforms.
- Podcast.
- What?
Well, most importantly, I
hope that you've cherished
- our time together.
- I'm I'm sorry, Danny.
- Stevie says we've gotta wrap it up.
- Brie: Yeah.
Okay, well, then to Brie.
Thank you, Brie, you know, for
everything that we've shared,
- both on and off camera.
- Oh.
And to Jane, incredible.
Absolutely incredible.
I mean, you've been with this
network for how many decades now?
I mean, Jane I will always remember
Jane covering the moon landing.
I mean, I studied that footage.
- That beautiful black and white stuff.
- Before me.
It was just fantast
well, regardless
Danny boy.
- Jane, you are historic.
- Thank you.
Be sure to join us starting tomorrow
for "CBS This Morning
with Jane and Brie.
"
Girl power.
- We'll see
- We'll see you in the tomorrow.
And we're clear.
Great job, everybody.
Good job, Jane.
Okay, well, what do you say
we let bygones be bygones
- and have some goodbye cake?
- I told them you didn't want cake.
Oh, my God, I love this!
They started demo at Mee-Maw's
for the birthplace and library,
and the contractor sent
me this video link.
Look at this.
I could
watch this all day.
- What?
- Nothing.
Catherine, I can't repeat myself
every five seconds for your amusement.
- Isn't that good?
- Ooh, "Tonight Show" dresses.
- Look how pretty.
- You think it's too low-cut?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Ma'am, I'm leaving.
Take
good care of Catherine.
- Who is she talking to?
- I don't know.
- Ma'am, um
- Ahem, yeah?
the "Washington Post" is running
an exposé on your term in office.
Is it bad?
Can I have a drink? I
feel a little dehydrated.
It's kind of like the wave
in "The Perfect Storm,"
except in this case, the
wave is made out of shit
and our boat is also made out of shit.
It's Leon West.
Fuck.
What does it say?
"Ignoring the advice of
experienced staffers,
Meyer instead sought the counsel
of a high school drop-out,
her personal trainer and
lover, Ray Whelan.
"
He had a GED, guys.
Oh, my God, they're
talking about my eye job?
- (Gary gasps)
- Chinese cover-up over the tweet.
This isn't an article,
this is a gang bang
on a pinball machine!
Who despises me like this?!
Well, there's President
Montez, Tom James
The White House maids, the steward.
- White working class voters.
- Nobody!
- Everybody loves you!
- Shut up!
Can somebody carry me to the bathroom?
Ma'am, there's a remote possibility
- a while back, I was working on this humor column
- No, don't, Mike.
- Leon West has Mike's diary!
- Amy, you promised!
What? What, Mike?
What have you and your 47
tangled chromosomes done?!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
I should've gotten a diary
with a little lock on it,
but I didn't wanna lock myself out.
- How long have you known about this?
- Since Alabama.
But to be fair, we thought
we were on top of it.
We did, ma'am.
Oh, really? Well, now
it's on top of you,
it's knocked your teeth out, and
it's making sweet love to your face!
We don't know my diary is the source.
Well, there's scans of
it on the WaPo website.
- Oh, God.
- It's crystal clear.
God, get out of here,
you great walrus Judas!
I'm gone, I'm gone.
Okay, Amy, you have to
call my lawyer right now,
my lawyers, the whole firm.
All right, we have to call Leon, too.
And, Mike, where the fuck
do you think you're going?!
You need to get in touch
with Leon right now.
Yes, ma'am.
- Ooh.
- Ma'am, do you need to sit down?
I just feel a little woozy, okay?
- I've got stomach cramps.
- Aw.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, what are you drinking?
This is Catherine's tea
for her underparts.
- Catherine: What?
- It's the tea for your underparts!
- Oh, my God.
(retching)
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- (vomiting)
- (whimpering)
- What time is "The Tonight Show"?
- Call time is 3:30.
I'm fine.
It's okay, I'm fine.
- I'm (vomiting)
- Ah, ah!
Oh, dang! What's up, white boys?
Yo, you guys ready to drop that rock?
- Gellardi, hit me, I'm open.
- What are you doing here, Congressman?
I started up a basketball league
to endear myself to you assholes.
We have a league.
We play
here every Tuesday night.
You guys can join my league.
How about that?
- We don't want to.
- I don't give a fuck what you want!
I have your ball, so you
have to join my league.
I get first pick, and I pick Graves.
Oh, really? Why are you picking me?
Because you're so tall.
Oh, God, who the fuck
invited Dikembe Mutomtard?
A little word of advice,
Congressman, don't wear the shorts.
Even Kobe Bryant wouldn't
rape you in those things.
Oh, lookie here, we got old Jesus
with a camel toe and his
child molester goggles
and the headband, of course,
'cause you don't want the
sweat getting in your eyes
when you're choking them out afterwards.
Congressman Ryan took our ball.
- Oh, shut up, narc!
- You shut up!
All right, Will, take the
ball and tell 'em why.
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