Balls are the only thing keeping
me from choking on cocks.
Without balls, I'd be swallowing
dicks whole just like Joey Chestnut.
- I'm sorry, Jonah, but I'm gonna
- (grunts)
Foul.
Foul.
Doctor says I gotta play
20 minutes every day,
so get the fuck off our court.
- Ball in.
- Let's go, Congressman.
Wanna play a game of Horse?
Yes, I would like that very much.
- Boom goes the dynamite.
- You're fired.
Yes!
Amy: Ma'am, "The Tonight Show"
is ripshit because you canceled.
I just got a lecture from a 22-year-old
piss twat with a SUNY Binghamton degree
who says that she thinks
that you chickened out
because of the "Post" article.
Just call her back and
rebook the whole thing.
No, you have
Okay, look, this is all
about damage control, Amy.
My presidency just got caught with a
tranny hooker on Sunset Boulevard,
and I have to make America think
that I was just giving her a ride home.
- Right? Right.
- Mike: Very smart, ma'am.
Actually, I did write a zinger for
"The Tonight Show" about Ray.
"In sleeping with my trainer, I think you
could say I did not exercise good judgment.
"
Okay, I am not gonna say
that joke to Johnny.
- I mean
- Uh, ma'am, Johnny
Ma'am, Leon West is here for
your double secret meeting.
Okay, you know what?
Let's make him wait.
Yeah!
Okay.
And maybe give him some of
that lesbian cooze potion.
Okay, I think all we have
is Diet Coke in the fridge.
Okay, they should not be allowed
to call that stuff tea.
- That's what I think.
- (both chuckling)
You know what I think? You sound like
the world's gayest AM radio show.
Now, guys, what is our move with Leon?
- Well, he really likes Amy.
- Amy who?
Ew! No!
She's all over his diary.
She's in every page.
You're kidding me.
- No!
- Amy, Amy.
(scoffs) Come on, nobody's asking you
to engage in some sort of
human pleasurable activity.
- I know that's not your bag.
- Okay.
So, then what
But perhaps maybe you could
flirt a little with him.
I don't know if that's something
that you're actually able to do.
Yes, of course, I can
be very flirtatious.
(door opens)
Nope.
Ma'am, Leon West says he knows
you're just making him wait.
- Okay, just send him in.
- Okay.
One of these days, she's
gonna make that face
and that eyeball of hers is gonna
pop out and shoot across the room.
- Yeah.
Boing!
- I know it.
- Leon West, ma'am.
- Ah, Leon!
Woodward minus Bernstein plus Propecia.
Ooh.
This entire conversation
is off the record.
You are going to retract every
word this very nanosecond.
Otherwise, I'm gonna sue you.
I'm curious, you're
gonna sue us for what?
Because this is public
interest and fair use.
Oh, I'd love to know how my eye job
- Which never happened.
- which never happened, by the way,
is in the public interest.
Now, I've got you on the hook
for defamation, libel,
and, if I remember my law school
tort professor correctly,
and I do 'cause I slept
with him for two years
- Still off the record.
- invasion of privacy.
You can go ahead.
We're
the "Washington Post"
and we have been sued by better
terrible presidents than you.
- Name one.
- Okay, you know what I want?
I want this room, okay? Everybody out.
Are there any nibbles
on that Dave Barry
Mike!
- Get!
- Shh.
What do you want?
I think the Pulitzer I'm
going to get from this
is good enough for me, so good evening.
- You can have Amy.
- Wait, I don't understand.
You can have her.
Probably better from behind, though,
you know
Good evening.
Yeah, I don't blame you.
Selina: Can you stop blowing
on my legs like that?
- I'm drying the "glow-tion.
"
- Don't use the word "glow-tion.
"
- Ma'am.
- What is it?
Oh, my God, Amy, you are making
that terrible, terrible news face.
You're gonna throw your
neck out, you know?
What is it? Is it Leon West?
- Is it a second diary dump?
- Oh, it is beyond a dump.
It is a toxic infant blowout
out both diaper legs and
up the back of the onesie.
Did they mention the antique egg
that we stole from the Oval?
You stole it.
It's got the terrorist
drone assassination.
- (gasps)
- Richard: Well, that sounds bad.
- The DRA guy?
- Yeah, and the Chinese.
It's got the soldier whose leg you lost.
Oh, my God, the lost leg.
Ooh!
Surrounded by Mike's poorly
drawn doodles of legs.
- I'm sorry, Mike.
- It looks like arms.
I'm better at arms.
You should see the
page where I wrote about the arms dealer.
Oh, my God!
The Georgian election is here
and all of that stuff about Murman?!
Mm-hmm.
Why do you work for me,
you stupid mustache?!
We were telling so many lies, I had to
write them down to keep them straight.
Any decent lawyer would've
told me to do that.
Ma'am, they've got the data breach.
- No.
- They know that you 100% knew
about the mining of those dead kids'
social security and medical data.
I don't have a zinger for that one.
Well, I could go to jail for that.
- No.
- Well, I can't do the show.
You guys have to get me out of here.
Madam President, we are all so
honored to have you on the show.
I'm Bethany, and I'm gonna go over a few
rules of "What's in the Bag?" with you
Okay, look, Tiffany, I
am so happy to be here,
but unfortunately, I've just
gotten this emergency call
- Pregnant daughter.
- from my pregnant daughter
- The baby is in distress.
- and her baby is in such distress.
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