- Is my baby okay?
- Come on, guys, we gotta go!
She's gonna love these.
By the way, what is in the bag?
(whispers) It's a copy
of the president's book.
Ha, that's good.
I was a patsy, but to my knowledge,
this is just the tip of the iceberg.
These revelations will continue to come
out in a steady drip, drip, drip
- Balls.
- like the leaky prison faucet
I was forced to drink from.
- Good evening, ma'am.
- (sighs)
- Finally got Catherine down.
- I could never get her down.
She was always so scared
about monsters everywhere,
you know, under her bed and behind
the curtain and in the closet.
Although, actually, one time, Andrew did
hide one of his women in the closet,
so she had reason to
be somewhat alarmed.
- Why don't I join you in that nightcap?
- Uh, Gary?
- I think I heard him leave.
- What? Oh, right.
I don't think that there
are any clean glasses.
- There's one here.
- Uh-huh, okay.
- (liquid pouring)
- You know, ma'am,
something I've always
wanted to tell you.
You know what I love most
about your daughter?
What's going on with the foundation?
You know, I was thinking that I
might wanna become more involved.
I could really use the cleansing
power of a charity right now.
Well, it's been quite a year for
the Meyer Fund for Adult Literacy,
AIDS, the Advancement
of Global Democracy,
Military Family Assistance,
and Childhood Obesity.
- AIDS in particular has had
- Wait, wait, hang on a second.
What is that you just what was
the thing that you just said?
Childhood obesity.
You sent me an
email about it last month at 4:00 AM.
I forgot.
I was looking at
Catherine's baby pictures.
I have to admit I was
skeptical about it at first,
but the more I learned about those kids,
I started to see that the problems
are not just physical problems
Yeah.
that come with obesity
the cancer, the diabetes
but also the emotional and
psychological problems
- the body dysmorphia
- Yeah.
Hey, Jaffar, it's me.
- so we started an
exciting new program
- Can you come and get me?
we get the kids out
10 minutes a day
- Yeah, in 10 minutes would be good.
- It is good.
It is.
It's a perfect amount of
time for a lot of these kids.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Selina: From the moment
I have left office,
it has been nothing but a giant slalom
down Mount McRimjob, brown diamond.
I know, but in my mind, you
have nothing to be ashamed of.
You know, my uncle, he poisoned
an entire village with sarin gas.
Ooh, that is worse.
Thank
you very much for that.
Yeah, you're welcome.
I just wish we could leave
this country forever.
Why don't we, eni?
I mean, you've got nothing here.
- I've got Catherine, but, I mean
- Let's just go.
I've got a plane that's
fully fueled always
- and ready to go at any moment.
- Why? Why is your plane always fueled?
Well, you know, in case
Let's just say that I've
got some cousins
- Yeah.
- who sometimes get very angry
at some of your tall buildings.
(both laugh)
Oh, God, you're making a joke, right?
- Yes.
Yes.
- Yeah.
Dipshit Mike and his shit-dip diary.
"Amy committed perjury today,"
written in crayon and mustard stains.
- You gonna hire a lawyer?
- No, I'm thinking of pleading guilty.
I wouldn't mind a little time in
prison, get away from my wife,
- spend time with guys who get it.
- Yeah, learn a trade.
All right, I gotta get up early,
yammer my case to the morning TV yabbos.
- No offense.
- Hey, none taken.
Former yabbo.
- Bye, kids.
- What about you? What's
next for the great Dan Egan?
- Any job leads?
- I thought about teaching high school,
but, I mean, girls these days
just can't keep a secret.
- You see Jane's up to her old tricks?
- Mm-mm.
Yeah, she's telling Page Six that
she and Brie are clam slamming.
Vaginas are so gross.
I wish I didn't have one.
Sometimes I forget I do.
Yeah, yeah, we all do.
Get you one more of these?
I gotta get up in the morning, early,
'cause Selina's
- Yeah, make it a double.
- Atta girl.
Jaffar: So, we will go to Paris first.
Goody!
We'll figure out where
we wanna go next.
Hey, listen, can you call somebody
to bring me some fresh towels?
- More towels? How many towels are you
- Yes, I need them.
Breaking news from the
"Washington Post.
"
Buried among many new scandalous acts
- from the Meyer Presidency
- Oh, no.
comes the revelation that
it was President Selina Meyer
and not President Laura Montez
who negotiated with the Chinese
president to free Tibet.
- Jaffar!
- Sources close to
- What is the matter? What's going on?
- No, no, look!
They know! They finally know it's me!
- Oh, my gosh!
- Yeah!
Well, the history books
are being rewritten,
and this time, it's not Texas
saying Satan made fossils.
Yes, he did.
- What?
- Ma'am, it is everywhere!
This is the best day we've had
since I started working for you.
I guess it was actually
good I lost the diary.
Ma'am, we're getting requests for
confirmation from all the big Tibetan papers,
except for the "Lhasa Express," though.
They're playing their usual games.
- Well, whatever.
- This is amazing.
Nobody is talking about
any of the other stuff!
God bless the media and their "fly
hitting a windshield" attention span!
- Mike: I know!
- Leon West is on "CBS This Morning" right now.
Selina: Oh, my God, put
it on really quick.
Even you would admit that
freeing Tibet from Chinese rule
is a monumental achievement.
- Yes, it was.
- Leon: No, that was a fluke.
That was a success despite an
almost pathological level
President Meyer's discretion
speaks well of her.
Yeah!
Take that cum shot in
all four eyes, Leon.
You should've taken Amy and walked away.
- Hmm?
- Nothing.
If she were a man, you would
call that confidence.
Yeah, tell it, sister!
Kick him in the cunt.
I adore Jane McCabe.
a heroine for our times.
Montez is not gonna be happy.
It's gonna put a real
turd in her chalupa.
Oh, we should get Mexican for lunch.
President Meyer's office.
Yale
University president's office?
- Oh.
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