4. South Carolina (第7季)【完整台词】

: Good morning, everybody.

CONGREGATION: Good morning.

Uh, we have a special guest today.

I'm pretty sure that you can imagine that I'm a firm supporter of the separation of church and state.

(congregation exclaiming agreement) - Because this is the Lord's house.

- (all exclaiming agreement) Not the White House.

But soon to be the "Black House.

" (al cheering) Brothers and sisters, please welcome President Selina Meyer.

Thank you.

Thank you, Reverend.

Mm-hmm.

- Good morning.

- CONGREGATION: Good morning.

I don't need to tell you that church is a special place.

DR.

JORDAN THOMAS, JR.

: That's right.

But it's also a place for truth, isn't it? That's right.

That's right.

And what happened recently in your community to that young boy is very sad.

CONGREGATION: Mm-hmm.

But here's the hard truth.

- There are many victims here.

- (muttering) SEINA: And you might not wanna hear this.

But the real victims are the police (muttering) "ing.

" Policing that America does in the South China Sea.

That's right.

I went there.

It is time for America to recognize Chinese sovereignty over the Diaoyu Islands and the disputed mineral rights of the surrounding seabed.

Can I get an amen? - WOMAN: What? - Amen.

Hello, everyone.

I'm Mike McLintock, and Mc-welcome to the first episode of "McLintock "I mean "talk.

" Today I have a BuzzFeed exclusive.

We are getting the first national interview with Lurlene, Iowa's dog mayor, who it turns out is not a dog, but a human.

Mayor Richard Splett, are you there? Hi, Mike.

Big fan of the show.

Mayor Splett, how does it feel to be the hero of 7-Eleven? Oh, I'm no hero.

I'm just a mayor who now, temporarily, has a Slurpee machine in his office.

- Well - I need my iPad.

(sighs) Mayor Splett, did you realize what you were doing was so courageous? - Oh, good question.

- Thank you.

It's actually Wendy's.

I guess I just did what anybody would do if they were there.

Except the people who were there and didn't do anything.

You heard it here first.

Stick around for more McLintock with Mike McLin-talk.

KEITH: Spare a nanosecond for First Mate Quinn? What do you want, Keith? Wow.

Okay.

Wo zai zehli bangmang.

Uh, is that Mandarin? Yes, it was.

I happen to consult for a number of very large clients in Asia who have a strong interest in Sino-American relations, and they were very, very impressed and delighted by your sermon.

(laughs) I don't know what you're talking about I would say that we're well past the point of plausible deniability at this point.

I you know, I haven't committed to, um, anything - Well, actually - Hi, ma'am.

- Yeah? - Can I share the news with you? - What? - You need to hear this.

Look.

Faith-based initiative just raised twenty-five million dollars.

Wow.

Way to go, buddy! All of a sudden, out of nowhere! Anonymously.

What? Um Okay, I'll get out of you hair, ma'am.

Okay.

It must've been the video I made, right? Well, I can't think of any other reason.

Well, let's be honest.

God had a lot to do with it, too.

- Oh, sure! Yeah.

- (laughs) It's a miracle.

Let's go spend twenty-five million dollars on some racist robo callers.

- Praise the Lord.

- Right? JONAH: Thank you.

You know who else thinks that I don't have the intelligence or the "tentrament" to be president? - My very own campaign staff.

- (muttering) JONAH: That's right.

They have been trying to stop me from becoming president.

- (booing) - JONAH: Yeah, no yeah, boo! Let 'em have it.

That is my campaign chair, Amy Brookheimer.

She recently had an abortion.

And that is my chief strategist, Teddy Sykes, and he is an overgrown midget who had to be chemically castrated.

- (gasping) - And that guy right there, that's Eric something.

- Bill Ericsson.

- That's Eric Bill Ericsson, and he thinks he's better than everybody else in this room.

- (booing) - I've never seen anything like this.

He's actually running against his own campaign.

Macau, here we come.

And one more thing.

I just found out from my stupid stepfather that TEDDY: Father-in-law! from my stupid stepfather-in-law that math was created by Muslims.

(shouting) Yeah.

And we teach this Islamic math to children.

Math teachers are terrorists.

(gasping) - I love this.

- Okay.

That, that's it.

I may be a registered sex offender, but I cannot be a part of this.

I'm, I'm gone.

Algebra? More like Al Jazeera.

Under a Ryan presidency, I will ban this Sharia math from being taught to American children.

- Amy, are you coming? - JONAH: There will be no more math.

One sec.

JONAH AND CROWD: (chanting) No more math! God fuck America.

No more math! No more math! JONAH AND CROWD: (chanting) No more math! (grunts) No are you She's fine.

She's fine.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

If we lose, it certainly won't be for lack of touching people in a Denny's.