Wait, so Quinn is the
in-house Chinese asset?
Yeah.
- I thought it was Kent.
- I assumed it was you.
What's our play moving forward here?
The Joseph Goebbels playbook.
Accuse the other side of
that which you are guilty.
Steal from the best.
You need to get rid of
that Chinese money, ma'am.
Gary?
Just book me on the friendliest
news show possible.
Copy that.
Mike it is.
OK, Gary, you need to spend every
dime in the space-based
- Faith-based.
- Mm-hmm.
On religious shit.
- ASAP.
- I don't know how to do that.
I don't even know how it got there.
Just give it to one of those
gay-converting Baptist colleges
to fund a statue of a gold-plated Jesus
- fucking a triceratops.
- Wow.
AMY: All right, Congressman Slender Man.
Don't say his name.
Now that Florida has moved its
primary to Super Tuesday,
we are going to stay here and
focus all of our efforts.
No, I told Beth that we
could go to Arkansas
so she could give me a
hand job in a hot spring.
It's my birthday.
Your particular brand of crazy is
polling very high here in Florida,
especially with melanoma-loving
swamp fuckers,
storm-ravaged climate deniers,
and deadbeat dads and deadbeat moms.
Those are my peeps.
So we are launching
a brand-new fundraising initiative:
Next month, donate $38
for Jonah Ryan's 38th birthday.
Thirty-eight dollars?
That's like a shitty gift
that you get from your
asshole grandmother.
If Selina Meyer did this,
she'd get, like, a thousand dollars
because she's, like, a
thousand years old.
Selina would kill to be 38.
She's been lying about
her age for years.
- Whatever.
I'd still do her.
- I'm down to clown.
Holy shit, Bruckheimer,
when you get an abortion,
you're supposed to leave the
mangled fetus at the clinic,
not staple it to the
skeleton of a gay condor
and run it for president.
- Well, hello, darlin'.
- Hi.
What Saudi prince's rape dungeon
did you finger-trowel your way out of?
- Uh Jonah's rape dungeon?
- Oh ho! In your face!
All right, anyway, I have the
pleasure of informing you,
Congressman Slender Man
- Mm-mm.
- AMY: Nope, beat you to it.
Oh, shit.
All right.
Our government has assigned you
your very own Secret Service detail.
- Whoa, what?
- Special Agent Youngblood!
Youngblood? Oh, that's my
favorite Rob Lowe movie.
Congressman Ryan, it's an honor.
Oh, yeah! This is like
looking in a mirror.
- Yeah, a hot mirror.
- I'll be right outside, sir.
Chances are you're still
likely to get assassinated,
but the killer, may God guide his hand,
will just have to work a little harder.
Hey, can I get some of that body armor?
Sincerest congratulations on
all your life choices, Amy.
- Thank you.
It pays quite well.
- Have a good weepy slide
down the shower wall this
evening.
We gotta go.
Will's got a full day ahead of him.
Tell 'em what you gotta do, Will.
I was hoping to finally
finish my passion project.
- Which is?
- Rerouting my urethra
to behind my balls so that I have
to sit to pee like a real girl.
- (cackling)
- Goodbye, Amy, Jonah.
- JONAH: Bye, Will.
- Very nice to meet you, Mrs.
Ryan.
REPORTER: Mayor Splett, do you
consider yourself a hero?
- (overlapping chatter)
- Sit your hawk asses down!
Not you, Richard.
I'm gonna pick one of you
minimum wage media monkeys
to ask three pre-approved
questions, pre-written by me,
and she's gonna owe me for
the rest of her life.
And yes, I said "she,"
and I don't mean you.
Well, I'd say I got here
not a moment too soon.
- Because President Meyer fired you?
- All right, look, Richard,
we have an incredible opportunity here.
I mean, the entire country
thinks that you're a hero.
Except for the 7-Eleven truthers.
They say that no Jewish people were
working in the store that day,
but there's no Jewish
people in Lurlene, so
Richard, you need a chief of staff
that has real D.
C.
experience.
Mister Mayor, the lieutenant governor
still wants to set up a time
for your award ceremony.
Oh, Willa, this is Dan Egan,
my new Chief of Staff.
- Sure.
- Ah, Dan, there's no easy way
to say this, but, uh,
given your reputation,
there's no dipping your
quill in the company ink.
- Copy that.
- I mean sex.
- Got it.
- By that, I mean Willa.
MIKE: I wouldn't be doing
my job, Madam President,
if I didn't ask the question
that's on everybody's mind:
Is that a new hairstyle?
And your ex-husband Andrew
is about to be indicted
in the Southern District of New York.
Which is not a question, actually.
Well, what we really
should be talking about
is Senator Talbot's husband
and the longstanding
accusations against him.
- Oh.
Well, let's go with that one.
- GARY: Mm-hmm.
- That sounds juicy.
- Plus his tax evasion.
Wait, Senator Talbot's husband
is cheating on his taxes?
Well, that's what people are saying.
How is nobody looking into this?
I mean, Why isn't the
press covering this?
Are they biased against you?
Well, you said it, not
me, but I also say it.
You know, it's getting so you can't
believe anything the media says
- about anyone's husband!
- MIKE: Yeah!
It's really a treat for
me to come on a show
that's fair and impartial.
- (chuckles) When does this air?
- Well, it's streaming now.
Oh, I see.
And what time will that be?
Now, you're going to lead off with a nod
to the anti-vaccination movement.
Yeah, why go to the
doctor and get a shot
for something you don't even have?
Yeah, I didn't get Clay vaccinated
because it causes autism,
and now he just has a
little bit of autism.
Yeah, and when I was a kid,
they said the best case
scenario was I had autism.
- Fuckin' look at me now.
- Don't use that line up there.
Don't yell at him, 'cause loud
noises make him flip out.
- Rick, there's a gun in the front row.
- What? Jonah?
- Ha ha ha ha! Made you look!
- PA: Ladies and gentlemen
- You're on!
- Wish me luck, meat shield.
- Jonah Ryan!
- How you doin', Clearwater!
Right.
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