14. Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey (第1季)【完整台词】

Well, why can't Meemaw take care of us? - 'Cause she's not the person you think she is.

- George You're really gonna leave these two alone? Yes.

That's a brave choice.

Look, this job is important to your mother.

We expect you both to step up and be responsible.

I can do that.

Missy? I'm thinking about it.

Very brave.

Okay, let's go over it one more time.

House key's under the plastic owl by the front door.

There's after-school snacks in the fridge.

One for each of you.

Emergency numbers are right there by the phone.

First aid kit is in the hall closet.

[SIGHS] And you won't be needing it, but under the kitchen sink is a fire extinguisher.

Ooh, that looks fun.

For fires only, and don't be starting one just to use it.

[WHISPERING]: It's like she can read my mind.

SHELDON: Don't worry, Mom.

We'll make you proud.

I know you will, baby.

All set for your first day? - I believe I am.

- Mm.

- Mwah.

- Mwah.

Go get 'em.

Thanks for waking me up.

I woke you up 40 minutes ago.

Well, you didn't do a very good job.

Bye, y'all.

[GROANS] [DOOR CLOSES] Okay, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, later.

Sorry to bother you, Peg, is Pastor Jeff available? Jeff! You available?! JEFF: On the phone.

He's on the phone.

[COUGHING] [WHEEZES, COUGHS] You know, my mother's had some luck cutting back on the smoking by chewing that nicotine gum.

Got some right here.

- So you do.

- [CHUCKLES] JEFF: Come on in.

Go on, you heard him.

[COUGHING] Thank you.

Hey, hey.

Hey, Mare.

Uh, you finding everything you need? Oh, you bet.

So, I've been going over the books, and I think we have enough money in our budget to purchase a personal computer to handle all the church business.

Okay.

[CHUCKLES] Well, uh, why don't you leave the paperwork here, and I'll-I'll take a look at it.

Of course.

That's for your perusal.

[CHUCKLES] Everything okay? What? Yeah.

Right as rain.

All righty.

Hey, if you have a minute, I would love to talk to you about the sign out front.

Yeah, sure.

So far so good.

SHELDON: Hello? Anybody? They weren't kidding.

Maybe I'll just have one little peek.

How come you're not eating your snack? I prefer my snack to be a reward for homework well done.

You're like an old person.

Thank you.

What's your homework? Non-Euclidean geometry.

How about you? "Symonyms.

" You mean synonyms.

I'm pretty sure she said "symonyms.

" Did you see that? Someone's out there.

Oh, no.

They're in the backyard.

What do we do? Aah! [ALL SCREAMING] Would one of you please get me a towel? Why were you sneaking around out there? Yeah, you scared us.

I was checking up on you two.

And in case you're wondering, you scared me back.

Well, why didn't you knock? Because you two are supposed to be doing this on your own.

And you don't think we can.

Of course I do.

I'm the one who told your mother that you were fine by yourselves in the first place.

Then why were you checking up on us? That's called being two-faced.

We'll be okay on our own.

Yeah, we need to prove we can do this.

All right.

I respect that.

And I'm happy to keep this little incident a secret.

Really? I'm telling everyone.

It was hilarious.

I'm going bowling.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] When we first started dating, everything was wonderful.

That's when it is wonderful.

All the problems started once we got married.

Well, marriage will do that to a relationship.

I-I got Selena a credit card to make small purchases for the house.

You know [STAMMERS] coffee maker, DustBuster.

You know what she did? She went to that Sharper Image store and she bought a massage chair.

Oh, I sat in one of those at the mall.

It was terrific.

It's $2,000.

Oh.

Well, seeing as I know how much you make, you can't afford that.

I uh-uh.

ADULT SHELDON: Of all the afflictions that can befall a child, one reigns supreme.

Beyond scraped knees and paper cuts, nothing strikes fear into the hearts of kids around the world like a splinter.

[DISTORTED]: No! Tell me why you were pretending to have amnesia.

I've got a splinter! So? So, it's an emergency! Call Meemaw! Oh, calm down.