3. The Waldo Moment (第2季)【完整台词】

This programme contains strong language and scenes that some viewers may find disturbing or upsetting.

DOOR OPENS Ahem.

They're ready for you.

Gwendolyn Harris.

We've met.

Bournemouth.

But you don't know the others.

No, but I'm familiar with you.

Why do you want to be an MP? Because I'm not satisfied with the way things are, and rather than sit back and moan I'd prefer to do something about it.

Go again from the top.

I don't know why anyone's surprised the world's number one teen idol has become a Scientologist.

Speed up the autocue, please.

Pop stars do believe in weird things.

'Abba believed in angels.

R Kelly believed he could fly' They said show you this.

This happened just now? Mm-hmm.

Gladwell? "Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell resigns," - capitals - "over Twitter porn pics scandal.

" Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all.

"Originally claimed his account had been hacked, "resignation statement admits inappropriate correspondence "with a 15-year-old girl.

" So tweeting dick photos is correspondence now, is it? "Departure triggers a by-election "in his Stentonford and Hersham constituency.

" Well, you get to use the Gladwell stuff.

Mm-hmm.

Bump it all up to the top of the monologue.

Anyone seen Jamie? PHONE DIALLING Rach? 'You really shouldn't be calling me any more.

'You need to sort yourself out.

' I am.

'Focus on Waldo, that's going well for you.

' But it is not 'He's a hit, Jamie.

' "He.

" Not me, "he".

'Just do your show.

' I will.

I mean, hon, if you'd just PHONE CUTS OFF (KNOCKING) Jamie? Jamie, hurry up.

What do you know about Stentonford and Hersham? Safe Tory seat.

So, realistically, I know there's not much of a chance, but So, it's a stepping stone for you? Yes.

Obviously, I wouldn't say that outside of this room, but, well, you want me to be honest.

There's no point in pretending.

Is there anything in your past that might conceivably cause problems? No.

Except .

.

I did commit a series of murders in Huddersfield between 1999 and 2003.

But apart from that Well, thank you, Gwendolyn.

If you could leave via that door.

Oh, that door? We like to keep the candidates separate.

Right, yes.

(MUTTERS) Idiot.

Idiot! Shamed super groomer and all-round pillock of the community Jason Gladwell has resigned as an MP, saying he could no longer maintain his position.

That position, presumably, being hunched over wanking madly at school kids.

'A pal of Gladwell said' You ready? Uh-huh.

.

.

how old the girl wasn't.

That's the sort of feeble excuse 'only a naive school kid would swallow - 'which, presumably, was the idea.

'Anyway, the bad news is he's resigned in disgrace.

' The good news is he's now free to pursue a full-time career in the disgraced paedophile industry.

LAUGHTER Personally, I don't understand why anyone's surprised Um, small change to the intro.

What? Nothing huge, Conor wanted the Jacko gag for the monologue, so That was my bit.

There is the Chancellor stuff, you could use that.

Bit politics.

You can do politics.

I do piss-taking.

Go be Waldo.

Yes, commander.

'R Kelly believed he could fly, 'and Michael Jackson believed that his doctor was qualified' (DEEP VOICE) Big ball blue bear bollocks.

And now it's time for our final visit to the world of educational children's programming courtesy of everyone's favourite, and only occasionally inappropriate cool kids' TV character, Waldo.

Whose mum's in tonight, apparently.

Waldo, who have you had in your cave this week? Well, Conor, in my big pink cave this week I had former Minister for Culture Liam Monroe.

Oh, he's quite handsome, isn't he? I was hoping he'd nosh me off! Want to see how it panned out? I think we should.

Run VT! APPLAUSE LAUGHTER Hey, everybody! It's Waldo time! Yeah! Cool! Cool! Waldo-rrific! Ha-ha-ha! Hey, kids, my guest this week is Mr Monroe.

Hello, Mr Monroe.

Hello, Waldo.

Mr Monroe is a politician.

So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe? Well, a politician is someone who tries to make the world a fairer place.

Like Batman.

Not exactly like Batman.

Do you beat people up? No, I don't beat people up.

Oh, you're a pussy then? Well, I'm not sure I know exactly what You don't know what pussy is? LAUGHTER OK, this is clearly some kind of joke.

No joke, sorry, let's move on.

Friends again? (KISSES) Oh, hello, mate, great show.

Well done, really good.

So, we'll bring him over.

You go and get him, I'll explain about 'Now, he comes across' Jamie! (WALDO'S VOICE) What you want, Miss Tamsin? Behind me, man in glasses talking to Jack Napier.

Jack freaks me out.

Yeah, ditto, but he owns the company and the man he's with is important and wants to talk to you.

(SIGHS) He's from the channel.

Go on.

'Honestly, all I'm saying' 'Is he shy?' 'No, all I'm saying is he's a terrific guy' Jim, Jamie, Jamie, Jim.

How do you do? Jim, Jack, James.

Jamie.

Jim was just talking about Waldo.

Yeah.

Liam Monroe has lodged a complaint.

Toys out the pram.

And that's? Good press.

It's so tough to get a breakthrough these days, but when it does, well, it's just fantastic.

It's fantastic the way Waldo puts the piss up Monroe.

You know, all those twats, it's punk, it'sit's 'Jack?' Excuse me.

Well, Twitter can't get enough of Waldo, loves him.

Look, I know the show's coming back again next year, but we want to see more of Waldo.

They want to do a pilot.