3. The Waldo Moment (第2季)【完整台词】

but your party leader has to show up because it's amid-thing Midterm by-election.

Terminology tits.

You are 12! So because leaderballs is there, suddenly it's walk-on in a Ricky Gervais sketch show so it's good exposure.

You're not going to win, you know you're not going to win Come on, shh.

You're not going to win though.

Of course not.

So, why not be honest? Say, "You arseholes aren't going to vote for me, "so here's what I think anyway.

"? It doesn't work like that.

Nothing does, that's why everything's bollocksed.

You're angry, for someone who's doing well.

I'm the voice of a blue bear if that's, "doing well," then we are doomed! I can't see! Hang on, there's a thing.

Have you had a fox in here or do you live like a 14-year-old? Well, don't get too excited, I'm not sleeping in it.

Shit, really? (You're amazing.

) Sorry? You're amazing? Oh, thank you! (SIGHS) What's up? Nothing.

Are you sure? It's just .

.

I haven't been happy in a while .

.

and this is good, you know? Hm.

Can Ihave your number? Yes! (GIGGLES) Where's our mark this morning? We're out on the road.

Oohbien sur.

Oh, hello, I'm Mr Monroe.

Vote for me and keep things shitty.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! PHONE KEYPAD BEEPING PHONE BEEPS Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo! 'You're right.

Strong Tory.

' 'I warned you.

' You know you're on Monroe turf when they live so far apart.

CAR HORN BEEPING I'm voting Waldo! I met Waldo last night.

Jamie, the guy who plays him.

He's fun.

Fun? Mmm-hmm.

Did you tell him anything about our campaign? Not really.

Not really or no? Er, not really.

Look, he's OK.

He's a comedian - he's mocking Monroe now, it'll be you next.

His act is all f-this and penis jokes.

But Don't see him again.

OK.

Job done till the husting tomorrow.

Some media students doing a Question Time type thing.

They've asked Waldo to join the panel.

Oh, come on.

It's my nightmare, going on Question Time.

It's students, you'll walk it.

I can't answer serious questions No-one wants you to! You're the comic relief, lighten up.

Erm, just have a look.

I'm sure you'll find lots in there PHONE RINGING Are there any particular issues that you're concerned about at all? TONE BEEPING Hey.

Oh, hi.

I thought we were going to? Sorry - I've had a tough day Right.

Not even one? Sorry.

Well, what about tomorrow? Look, I can't, when this is happening, I can't see you.

What do you mean? I'm sorry.

Do they think that looks like Question Time? Yeah.

It looks politicsy.

Check the host.

Jailbait Dimbleby.

When it comes to addiction and addicts, we should sympathise, but we shouldn't patronise.

You know, serious drug use is a criminal offence, that is committed voluntarily and for pleasure AUDIENCE MUTTERS MUTINOUSLY Look, I'm sorry, these are the facts.

Waldo, what do you think? Mr Monroe, are you addicted? No.

Sorry, I mean, are you a dickhead? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I think we have to ask ourselves I think we have to ask ourselves, what is this for? And why do we waste our time with animated trivialities like him? AUDIENCE WHOOPING I mean why? Why? I mean why? (ON A LOOP) I mean why? I mean why? I mean why? I mean why? This is just the kind of thing rather than see you laugh They laugh at you, Limbo.

You laugh, you're laughing at someone who won't engage.

Who is scared to engage, who hides behind a children's cartoon.

Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool? I'mI'mI'm speaking about James Salter.

Hm? Don't worry about it.

That's your name, isn't it? James Salter, this is the man who's behind all this.

He's 33 years old, a man whose career can be summed up surprisingly quickly.

You were in a sketch troupe that enjoyed minor success about six years ago, and the others moved on to better things, but your main achievement seems to have been playing the part of a corn on the cob in a high-interest personal loan commercial.

LAUGHTER I notice you keep that pretty quiet.

And now of course operating this sort of teddy bear thing.

Which by the way is easier than it looks.

Anyone could do it.

See, this isthis is the thing.

It's easy, what he does.

He mocks.

And when he can't think of an authentic joke, which is actually quite often, he just swears.

I think that this puppet's inclusion on this panel debases the process of debate, and smothers any meaningful discussion of the issues.

So I return to my original question, is that really what this is for? He has nothing to offer and he has nothing to say.

Prove me wrong.

Hm? Speak, Waldo.

Please.

Come on.

Speak up.

There you see, nothing.

Oh, go fuck yourself.

LAUGHTER It's more swearing.

You're a joke.

You look less human than I do and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise cock.

LAUGHTER What are you? You're just an old attitude with new hair.

Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously? No-one takes you seriously, that's why no-one votes.

The vast majority do vote.

It's bullshit.

Surely this is enough? You think you deserve respect.

Just common courtesy.

Because you went to public school and believed you were entitled to everything.

Perhaps we could get back Ad hominem nonsense Gwendolyn Harris Something's got to change.

No-one trusts you lot cos they know you don't give a shit about anything outside your bubble.

What about your mate Gladwell, the kiddy-flasher? You knew him for 20 years, did you not know what he was like? No, of course not.

Yeah, cos you're all just front, like him, sly and pretending, and in that way you're all the same.

Gwendolyn Harris, is all of politics a waste of time? Well, of course I think no Oh, shut up, you're worse! Seriously, she's faker than him.

For once I agree with Liam Monroe in that this Are you going to win? .