2. Episode 2 (第1季)【完整台词】

1 [THE ANDREWS SISTERS' "ANY BONDS TODAY"] Any bonds today The bonds of freedom that's what I'm selling Any bonds today Scrape up the most you can Here comes the freedom man Asking you to buy a share of freedom today Any stamps today - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - We'll be blessed if we all invest In the U.

S.

A.

Here comes the freedom man Can't make tomorrow's plan Not unless you buy a share of freedom - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - MAN: Whoo! [INDISTINCT CHATTER] The tall man with the high hat And the whiskers on his chin Will soon be knocking at your door [HORN HONKING] Who's Major Major? Well, we need you for the group leaders meeting.

We're allocating the Requisitions Budget for next quarter.

Let's go.

Uh, I I'm sorry, and my part in that is? All members of Senior Command are automatically part of the Group Leaders' Allocation and Requisition Procedural Advisory Board.

GLARPAB.

GLARPAB? For God's sakes, we're late for the meeting.

Oh, with all due respect, sir, I'm a sergeant.

- You're a sergeant? - MAJOR: Yes, sir.

I'm only a sergeant.

- But you're Major Major.

- Yes, sir.

That's my name, sir.

Uh [LAUGHS] I've been through this with the fellas, sir.

Uh, it's my birth name.

It's a funny story.

Um, but now may not be the time.

So, yes, in short, I'm Sergeant Major Major.

Major Major is my name.

Sergeant is my rank.

He's already on the calendar sheets right up to September.

List Good Christ, that means he's also in the Yes, sir.

He's already down for Wednesday's subcommittee briefings, yes.

CATHCART: Sergeant.

Major Sergeant Whatever your goddamn name is, you're not making a whiff of sense to me.

MAJOR: Sir, uh, like I told the fellas, well, uh, my father was something of a practical joker.

He named me Major Major.

First name Major, middle name Major, behind my mother's back, uh, on the birth certificate.

Uh, and my surname's Major, too, as you already know.

Well, that is a hell of a practical joke, isn't it, son? He was a piece of work, sir.

What are we gonna do? We can't have a goddamn sergeant in GLARPAB.

That's correct, sir.

It's for Senior Command only.

Unless, sir, you promote him.

CATHCART: Sergeant Major, step forward.

Sergeant Major, congratulations.

I'm herby promoting you to Major.

Congratulations.

Get in.

- MAJOR: But, no, sir sir, I - CATHCART: You're a good man.

You've earned it.

You've worked hard.

Yes, sir.

Um, d-does that mean, uh what will my duties be any different? Will his duties be any different, Colonel Korn? - Of course, sir.

He's a major, sir.

- Of course, they are, you're a major.

We don't just hand out promotions willy-nilly.

You'll act like a major, you'll perform the duties of a major, God damn it.

Yes, sir.

And And those are? Major Major, congratulations.

You're a major.

Give him the goddamn thing.

These are the minutes from last Allocations and Requisitions meeting and the agenda for today.

Uh [CAR ENGINE REVVING] CATHCART: Don't just stand there! Get in the goddamn jeep.

[JOHNNY HODGES' "THINGS AIN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE"] Mary, and Joseph.

Hey, fellas! Okay.

These go inside.

You carry two at a time.

Like this.

Carry, carry.

Rapido, rapido! Good lads.

Bueno, bueno.

SCHULZ: What's going on? Oh, you like watermelons? What is this? - They didn't tell you? - Tell me what? Oh, I am so sorry about that.

I'm the mess officer now.

SCHULZ: [CHUCKLES] What are you talking about? MILO: Uh, I am the mess officer now.

And, uh, you're not.

- But this is what I do.

- MILO: I know.

I tried to tell them that myself, it's ridiculous.

What the hell do I know about running a kitchen? No, no.

Those go in the pantry.

[JOHNNY HODGES' "THINGS AIN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE"] At 0930, sir, Major Predegast from the Car Relative Operations Southern Division Committee will be here to speak to you about the combined groups' requisition outreach.

At 1000, that'll be Colonel Lestridge.

Okay, 1100, a Milo Minderbinder has asked to see you.

He's the mess officer.

He wants to talk to you about an unusual new variety of truffles, sir.

Apparently they're worth a lot of money.

Okay.

What would you say if I told you I don't want to see those people? Which people in particular, sir? All of them.

Any of them.

SERGEANT: Well, sir, my job is to schedule your day as you request.

Okay, uh, from now on, I would much prefer if no one came in to see me while I'm here.

Yes.

Does that include me, sir? MAJOR: Yes, that includes you, sergeant.

Of course, sir.

That's no one ever.

SERGEANT: I see, sir.

Very good, sir.

Will that be all, sir? Yes.

[LAUGHING] Uh, yes, yes.

That will be all.

[CHUCKLES] What shall I say to the people who do come to see you while you're here? MAJOR: Tell them, uh tell them I'm in and ask them to wait.

Yes, sir.

For how long? Until I've left.

SERGEANT: What shall I do with them then, sir? Uh, you know what? I don't care.

SERGEANT: May I send them in to see you after you've left? Yes.

Yes, you may.

You may indeed.