Pick up.
Table ten, table 12, table 69.
Oleg, there is no table 69.
There could be.
Oleg just sixty-nined me, and now I don't remember any of the table numbers.
Look, he's never gonna stop sixty-nining us.
Forget the table numbers.
Here's how you remember your orders.
You just give people nicknames.
Look, I got thin cee lo, fat rihanna, jon beret ramsey, and kristen bad wig.
Oh, okay.
I got seth rogaine, child molester moustache, and lesbian justin bieber.
- Good.
- Thanks.
Pick up.
Table six.
ty-nine.
+ So can I get you anything else? Coffee? Dessert? Morning-after pill? Okay.
Getting it on in a restaurant.
I once made love to a young angela lansbury in a booth just like that.
Murder she wrote? more like "harder she begged.
" Earl, why isn't everyone you? Yo, what's up, mama? Oh, hey, johnny.
Usual? Two coffees to go? Yeah, and can I get two of your cupcakes? Which two? You know which two.
The discounted day-olds? Yeah, girl.
Hey, my bro and friend.
Hey, what's up, big guy? Max, your boyfriend is here.
He's not my boyfriend.
He's just another guy who likes my cupcakes.
'cause who doesn't? Well, your face gets red when you see him, and you suddenly act like nice person.
If that's not love, I don't know what is.
He doesn't know what love is.
The only thing he ever loved was a stepladder.
Johnny, here's your stale cake and burnt coffee.
Just how I like it.
What do I owe you? It's on me.
You wish it was on you.
There's nothing going on.
He just comes in here to get coffee because he tags billboards all night.
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
Listen, renaissance fair, why don't you be a good wench and clean up your counter? Until the cupcake business takes off, i'm just gonna have to find a temp job online.
Can I close this window that says "mexican painkillers"? Yeah, yeah, but, uh, bookmark it first.
Here we are.
Craigslist.
Okay.
How does this job sound? Disgusting and depraved.
You didn't even hear it yet.
Did I not hear "craigslist"? Oh.
Here's something easy I could do.
A professional organizer.
You're not a professional organizer.
You're barely a professional waitress.
I am a genius at organizing things and getting them out of the way.
I recently lost all my money and the promise of a bright future, and I've organized that into a file in my head labeled "do not open until you are stronger.
" If I can handle that for myself, I can certainly handle a stranger's light filing.
If I had known all that craziness was going on in your head, I would have ordered you some mexican pain killers.
Or the peruvian.
They're stronger, but sometimes they make you lose control of your hands.
Thought that was an ibuprofen.
What is johnny doing here at 3:00 a.
M.
? Thought it was a rapist or something.
Rapists don't knock and wave.
And if they looked like that, we wouldn't call them rapists.
We'd call them Johnny! What are you doing here? I'm here to talk to you guys about the church of latter day saints.
And I have to pee.
Can I use your bathroom? No problem.
Don't forget to tip the bathroom attendant.
What's up, caroline? Just trying to find a day job where I won't get handcuffed to a radiator.
On craigslist? This is so romantic.
Jumping over the back wall to drop down and see you in the middle of the night? It's very romeo and juliet.
it is very romeo and juliet.
He has to pee, and I'm the nearest toilet.
Please.
That's just an excuse.
The man defaces buildings.
And what? He draws the line at peeing on them? He came by here to see you.
Pull your hair back.
It's kind of in your face.
Pull yourself back.
You're kind of in my face.
Thanks, guys.
I was tagging a building nearby, and while I was on the roof I saw that your light was on, so I thought I'd stop in and say hey.
- Hey.
- So, johnny, you just saw our light on from the roof nearby? Interesting.
Do you always look down when you're up that high? Not really.
Interesting.
Flying solo tonight.
My lookout guy went into rehab.
It's kind of a pain.
It's really a two-person operation.
Ugh, such a bummer when people can't handle their heroin.
Hey, max, what are you doing tomorrow night after work? Any desire to be my lookout guy? I might have some desire to be your lookout guy, but as far as the "guy" part of "lookout guy" goes, full disclosure- What, you don't have a penis? Oh, I have one.
In a drawer in my bedroom.
If the cops come tomorrow, I will run like a girl.
Okay.
So pick you up at the diner at 2:00? - Cool.
- Cool.
Cool.
And then romeo left.
So romantic.
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