Welcome to the diner ATM ribbon cutting ceremony.
Everyone knows he's holding normal size scissors, right? Han's just excited there's something in the diner same size as him.
Uh, this is just another waste of time.
Like when you opened the diner.
This machine is now open for business! After you're done with those, I need to do a little manscaping on my love mound.
And after you're done with that, you can throw them away.
Hey, everybody! What's that yellow tape? Did someone die again? No, Sophie, we got an ATM.
I thought we already had an ATM.
"Asian transgender male.
" Well, thank you for saying "male.
" Well, move outta the way! This broad's gotta do some bankin'! Be careful, you're the very first.
We know how long you've been waiting to say that to a woman.
Okay.
No sign of Deke, the cops, or nosy white folk.
Let's break in.
I don't understand Why we're breaking into your boyfriend's dumpster.
The only thing I understand less is how you pee standing up.
Why? How do you pee? I am breaking up with Deke, so now's the part of the relationship where I sneak in his place and get my stuff out to avoid telling him I'm breaking up with him.
Well, you just cut an hour out of every romantic comedy.
You're welcome.
This is the first guy I dated that has a crank.
Most of them just did crank.
Okay, so here's the plan.
I'm gonna climb up on the garbage, Unsnap the windows, dive in the dumpster, and grab his spare key on the counter.
Do you look at life as just a game of "set new lows for Caroline"? Why do I have to do it? I'm on parole, Caroline.
We're breaking into a dumpster.
I don't even think that's illegal.
I didn't either.
That's why I'm on parole.
Light on the right, key on the left.
We did this once after Deke left his keys at our favorite bar, which is actually just a liquor store where they let you drink.
They turn a blind eye.
Well, the guy is blind.
Yeah, Deke always found cool places.
Then why are you breaking up with him? He's perfect for you.
You both think living in a tuna can is an acceptable habitat.
So what if he has money? People with money don't live in the same reality.
You think Donald Trump would have that hair if he were poor? Now, come on, let's get my toothbrush and scram.
You bought a toothbrush? Oh, you really liked him.
Wait, Max, is that one of your gnomes? Oh, my God, you were practically moving in! And it's your favorite one, Gnome-o-sexual! No, this is my second-favorite.
My favorite is "gnome more drama.
" And he's not here because he don't want no more drama, And frankly, neither do I.
Come on, let's go.
You don't have to ask me twice to get out of a dumpster.
Well, well.
If it isn't Max-a-million.
Or should I say, "Max who hates my millions"? Shouldn't you be occupying Wall Street or something? I am just here for my toothbrush, And then I'll leave you in your ivory dumpster to sit around and fart diamonds.
So don't get the wrong idea, Uncle Pennybags.
I'm not here to be Aunt Pennybags.
Max, who's Uncle Pennybags? Is he one of the ones who touched you? He's the Monopoly Man.
See? You guys are perfect for each other.
Yeah, Max.
We're like a more awesome version of John and Yoko.
Meaning, like, just John.
Who cares if I got a few million dollars? A hundred few million.
And that's on the low end, according to bing.
Well, I'll be by later, Deke.
Come on, Caroline.
No, Max, you won't.
You're taking your stuff 'cause you're breaking up with me And you're too big a baby pants to tell me you're breaking up with me.
Pfffttt! What? I am not breaking up with you.
I just needed my toothbrush because I had dollar shrimp for lunch and I still have some shells in my teeth.
I will see you later tonight for sex and various whatnots.
I am not breaking up with you.
That breakup was brutal! Yo, Max, I hear our boy Deke got major money.
I shoulda known, 'cause the weed he gave me was real quality.
And free.
Earl, money changes people.
I know.
Every time the food stamps came, my mother was all, "Max who?" 'Ello, my good people! You are quite fortunate today, For a rich person has come to dine in your establishment! Caroline, I would like a tabletop in Max's section, please.
because it's high time she met the person I've been pretending not to be.
The veil has been lifted.
She was correct.
I am the Monopoly Man.
Right this way, sir.
I believe I have a table here in the overacting section.
All right, I'll give it up.
You got me laughing.
And I would miss all this if we didn't hang out, So I guess we can still be friends and pastry school partners.
Pastry school partners? Your breasts are named in my will.
Come on, you can't be serious about this.
Don't worry, we can still do all the stuff we had planned for our future.
Like TPing Han's apartment on the 14th.
I'm not a monster.
- Max - Deke, you can't be my boyfriend.
From now on I'm like welfare.
You have to be broke to get some.
Max, I really wish you'd reconsider breaking up with Deke.
I mean, you guys get along great.
He lives in a trash can, he shares your love of pee-pee jokes.
He can hide things in his hair.
Aren't those the things you didn't like about him before you knew he had money? Yes, but people can change.
So change and like him.
Come on, just keep an open mind.
In fact, why don't you sleep on it? Right now.
Go.
Go to bed.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Boy, are you eager to masturbate.
Hey, friend.
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