Hey, I'm sleeping at Deke's house tonight.
Wink, wink, winky-wink.
Deke's house? You mean your boyfriend's dumpster? Yeah.
So I need a, uh Tetanus shot? Higher standards? No, a condom.
I'm about to have sex, and I want it to feel bad.
I should have one in my purse from the last time I had sex.
They had purses the last time you had sex? No, we carried animal hides tied with sticks.
It hasn't been that long.
Oh, here's one next to this movie ticket stub from Precious.
Okay, it's been that long.
You saw Precious without a condom? It says, "Best if used before September 2012.
" Just like the milk here.
I wish I knew a guy with a condom.
A man, any man.
Oleg, do you happen to have Okay, this should get you through the night.
But if it doesn't, You can use this freezer bag and a rubber band.
Max, I laid out the little cups, so all you have to do is fill them with cole slaw.
Said the girl who was on the Forbes "top ten to watch" list.
I can't do my side work tonight.
Normally I'd say it's because I'm drunk, But tonight it's because my back hurts and I'm drunk.
Here, babe, I got you something that might help your back feel better.
A breast reduction? No! Why would you spit in the face of God? Everybody, calm down.
Those aren't going anywhere.
And if they are, I am going with them.
I got some cooling patches to soothe her muscles.
And when that doesn't work, I have another brand called "maui wowie.
" Pickup.
- I'll see you later.
Love you.
- Love you.
Deke, breath.
What is that? Teriyaki beef jerky.
Why, is it bad? No.
Give me another hit.
That is delicious.
You know it.
Max, since you guys are getting serious, why not go on the pill, so every night you won't have to play "What can we turn into a condom?" The pill is, like, 50 bucks a month.
That's more than it costs to raise a damn baby.
Well, your boyfriend's rich.
He can afford to pay for it.
Great, now I'm a white trash mom.
Uh-uh, no way.
I'm saving Deke's fortune for more important things, like Doritos Dinamita.
Pretty much the filet mignon of corn chips.
I mean, I'd be on the pill right now, But the one man interested in me is married, so I guess that's more of a bitter pill.
Seriously, Max.
Think about it.
Fine.
Why don't guys have to take the pill? We have to take all the pills.
Birth control, Midol, roofies Bonjour, Caroline.
Chef Nicolas.
What are you doing in the diner? Oh, no, I never wanted you to see me wearing this.
Yeah, so be a gentleman and take a step back, 'cause as bad as it looks, it smells worse.
I think you look beautiful.
Your wife looks beautiful.
Oh, yeah.
Get it, girl.
May I see you alone over there in the, uh I guess one would call it a restaurant? But just for a minute.
I'm working.
What's that smell? That's today's special.
Beef pot pie.
Oh, it doesn't smell like beef.
That's because it's not beef, it's not made today, and it's not special.
Listen, Caroline.
We have all this relationship drama, And we're not even in a relationship.
Please get to know me better.
Come to my home for dinner.
Dinner at your home, just you and me? How do you think your wife would feel about that? We have an open relationship.
Did you think I'm the type of man who would have sex with another woman without asking my wife? That is so American.
Max? Why are you calling Max? I want to make sure I haven't lost my mind.
Nicolas said he told his wife about me, and she gave him permission for us to sleep together.
Ha! Good one! My boss at Quiznos once told me his wife's dying wish was that I let him motorboat me.
Okay, so she may have been motorboated out of Quiznos.
But I am not falling for this.
Yes, I thought you wouldn't believe me, so I set up a Skype call with her from France on Friday.
Wait, you want me to Skype with your wife about sex? Am I on Dr.
Phil? Hey, everybody.
I got a new dress, and it's bitchin'.
Oh.
Hey, look at him.
Oh.
Nobody told me they added beefcake to the menu.
Excuse me, beefcake has been on the menu since I started working here.
Wow, wow.
Finally There's somebody in the diner as good-looking as me.
Hi, I'm Sophie Kuchenski.
Nicolas Saintcroix.
Ah! And he's French too? Oh, come on! I'm sorry, I was in the middle of a conversation with Caroline.
Who? Me, the one whose feet you're standing on.
Oh.
Oh, wait a minute.
Is this the married guy? Oh, girl! I'm gonna give you two days' head start, and then he's mine! Why do you care what his wife thinks about your hair? You're not gonna be sleeping with her.
Although you'd be a lot more interesting if you did.
I'm not gonna be sleeping with him either.
And when I tell his wife that, I want to look good doing it.
I have to look 20% better than her.
And since Skype makes you look 20% worse, I have to look 40% better than I do now.
You realize talking about math in a hair salon is my worst nightmare, right? Welcome to the Tristan Evans salon.
Hi, hello.
We're here for the student haircut.
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