Good morning.
Name? Ha! Not until I see my lawyer.
And by the way, I was with them last night.
Max, it's just for the spring semester.
Sorry, she watches a lot of Lockup: Raw.
Uh, actually, I'm here to return checks.
There is no spring semester.
The pastry school has been closed.
What? Feel free to collect any personal items you may have left in the workspace.
You get the weed, I'll get the other weed.
This is insane.
How can school be suddenly closed? Oh, good, John's here.
He'll know what happened.
What makes you think he knows? He's a big queen, Max.
He'll know why school's closed, and why Lady Gaga's last album failed.
Where's Chef Nicolas? France.
With his wife.
Why is he in France? Hmm, turns out someone in this room, maybe someone I'm looking at right over there, had an affair with him and his wife found out all about it.
Deke! Shocking! I didn't even know Chef Nicolas was gay! Oh, please.
If he was gay, I would've been all over that.
Like a gorilla on a breadstick.
Lady, we all know it wasn't Deke.
Okay, yes, yes, fine.
It was me.
And my parents say I'm loose as a goose.
But it was not an affair.
We made out once, in six different places, On eight different occasions, and then I ended it.
You ended that, and you ended this! All of this! Forget my spatulas! Forget my whisk! It's over! Brigadoon is over! Thanks, Caroline! You're acting like I'm the only one who ever closed a pastry school down.
Can't you just go to Deke's without me? I'm too down in the dumps.
Then what better place to be than in a dumpster? And Deke said to make sure to bring you.
And relax, it's not a three-way situation.
When we made our three-way list, you were at the bottom with Taylor Swift.
Well, at least I'm with Taylor.
On the three-way list, who's above me? Vicki what's-her-name from Real Housewives of Orange County.
Is that the one with all the face work? You're gonna have to be more specific.
Welcome, welcome.
Wipe your feet on the way out.
Deke, I'm warning you right now, I am not in a partying mood.
Ain't no party like a Caroline party, 'cause a Caroline party don't start.
I'm heavy with guilt, and that cheese omelet we just split.
We're not partying, but I did snatch back the weed, 'cause I's perfect.
Good.
I got it from Earl, and he says it knocks you out so hard, he once used it and faked death to cash in a life insurance policy.
Well, we might need to do that too after what I did.
Deke, I am so sorry about all of this.
I am filled with regret and those home fries I just ate.
We all so sad pastry school got all closed.
We don't know what to do.
I know what to do.
Eat the pound cake in my purse.
Okay, so we all loved the pastry school, right? Eh, it was all right.
No big deal.
No big deal? We had sex in like every classroom and both stairwells.
And on Caroline's desk, but, eh, no big deal.
Eh, kind of a big deal.
Was it a Tuesday, on top of the New York Times? And did you eat my cranberry clif bar after? 'Cause I made someone cry about that.
Okay, yes, it was fun.
But it's over, and that's life.
Pastry school, no pastry school, eh, no big deal.
I'm gonna buy it.
What? Yes! Yes, I love that frickin' place! We had sex on your desk while eating your clif bar.
It was awesome there! Deke, what are you talking about? I'll ask my parents to buy it as an investment.
Caroline, you can run the school.
You're already killing it in the office.
And Max and I can be the badass students who won't take guff from no damn teachers.
How 'bout you stuff the cannoli again, bitch? I own the damn place! Wait, is this even possible? I mean, it'll cost millions.
Who cares? He's rich! Now I get the whole idea of money.
It's lovely! It's the greatest idea ever! I know! And since we're doing it together, you'll both have to come meet my parents.
Max, they've been asking to meet my girlfriend anyway.
Meet your parents? Eh, the pastry school wasn't all that.
The elevator opens right in your apartment? Nope, don't belong here.
Hold the doors, bub! We're okay.
Thank you, James.
Max, just do the opposite of everything you would normally do.
I already am.
I'm here! Deke, hello.
Go, be warm.
Hello, Mrs.
Bromberg.
I'm Max.
I'm the housekeeper.
This is Iris.
Been with us for years.
Well, it was a lovely hug.
I'll tell your parents that you've arrived.
So, what, Max? You think any black woman you see here could be my mother? Well, any white man I see anywhere could be my father.
Let's go.
I already screwed up.
No, you heard Iris.
It was a lovely hug.
But then again, she is being paid.
Here, better wear my pearls.
Yeah, right! Me in those pearls is like a monkey in baby clothes.
Just plain wrong.
Relax, Max.
What, are you crazy, touching me? Your mother comes in here right now, and she's like, Oh, there she is, the hooker from the projects, getting it on with our son in the What, fancy-ass book room? Deke, you have a warhol soup can? Uh, yeah, it used to be in my bedroom.
It got moved out here after I scotch-taped a Star Wars poster over it.
Okay, okay.
See, now, here is something we have in common.
I used to drink that soup.
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