It's payday! And I'm not talking about the delicious Little treat with nuts.
Han, not cool to brag about yourself.
Here, Max, maybe you can use the money to buy a new attitude.
"New attitude"? Isn't that the name of the boy band you're in? And Oleg, you'll notice I docked your pay 'cause you didn't even come in yesterday.
I told you, I was working from home.
There you go, Earl.
Don't spend it all in one place.
You think you pay me enough to spend it in two places? Oh, my God, this is less than it cost me to get here today.
And I walked.
I know.
That's all I made? What is this, "12 Years A Waitress"? With you it's more like "12 Beers A Shift".
So many words, so little everything else.
ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Man: Whoa! Not the face! Not my beautiful face! Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
I warn you, I was in the Nutcracker Suite.
- What's that mean? - This! Don't worry Max, I handled it.
Yeah, I just handled it too.
That's my booty call.
Are you telling me you know him? No, I don't know him.
He just comes over for sex on Tuesday nights.
Do you need help up? Not yet, I'm still crying a little.
Okay, up you go.
Walk it off.
Yeah, I bet that hurts.
Nice going Caroline.
You ruined the best part.
Hi, I'm Caroline, the roommate and prima ballerina.
Sorry about your sugar plums.
Sebastian.
Ba-Ba-Ba! No names! No names! Uh, Caroline, you want a soda? We have soda? No, we don't have soda! Why are you asking him his name? He doesn't wanna know my name and I don't wanna know his.
Hey, mind if I use your bathroom? I need to check on the boys.
See if they're girls.
How do you not know the name of the guy you're intimate with? "Intimate"? Max, there are certain things you have to know About the guy you're engaging in sexual congress with.
Only you can make sex boring.
Well, not too bad.
One's okay and the other one left on crutches.
Later.
Sebastian, wait.
This is Max Black.
Max, this is Sebastian.
Nice to meet you, Max.
Yeah, nice to meet you too.
And you can just call me what you usually do.
"Oh, God.
" Hey is that a new shirt, Earl? Why, yes it is, Max.
I just got it in 1987.
Oh, great! Look at this text.
It's from the guy whose sperm count you lowered.
His name is Sebastian.
Oh, he's inviting you to come see him DJ.
Oh, damn it! I told you I didn't wanna know anything About him, and now I know he's a DJ.
Which means he's unemployed, so points for that.
So what are you gonna text him back? Nothing! The only back-and-forth I want from this guy Is on his back and for the fourth time.
The best sex is secret sex.
Then maybe don't talk about it while I'm eating.
Well, I have a sexy secret.
A crush on a girl.
Oleg, we all know it's me.
That sweat-pant salute never lies.
Not you.
Don't kid yourself.
You couldn't handle this beast in the sheets.
I could totally handle you in the sheets, Oleg.
What are you fighting for, Caroline? Hey, everybody! All right, weather report: I just came back from a date and it's raining losers out there.
There's my sexy, sexy, secret crush.
Who, Sophie? Not so secret.
You two have already done it in every public space in Brooklyn.
Yeah, and your apartment, twice.
What? We didn't even wake you! Sophie, baby, I've been looking for the perfect woman And it turns out, what I want is in my own back door.
Backyard.
I think you're both right.
I hear your truck pull up.
But I'm not sure I wanna sign for your package anymore.
I knew you were going to say that.
So as a reminder, I've created a Sizzle Reel Of our best sex.
So it's an STDVD? It's the extended version.
Uncut, as you know.
That's it, cancel my brownie! Sizzle Reel? I'll watch it tonight while I eat my fajitas.
Max, you just got another text from Sebastian.
Who? Please, can we go to the club to see him DJ, Max? I wanna dance.
The last time I shook my booty Was when we ran out of toilet paper.
Max, thank you so much for taking me dancing.
Well, you signed that paper that said if I did, You'd do the side work for the next six months.
Are you sure this is the address Of the club Sebastian gave you? Who? Sebastian! This can't be the address.
It's a Whole Foods.
I know what it is.
I can smell the cage-free body odor.
Let's just go in, ask someone if they know where the club is, And maybe rip a grape off a stem.
I'm starving.
Whole Foods, wow.
Reminds me of when I was a whole person.
Max, we can start looking for the club.
All right, all right.
I'm gonna lay down some beats while you check out our beets.
Organic! See? This is why I didn't want to know anything! You ask a guy his name and you find out He's DJ'ing next to radishes.
And what kind of loser comes here to dance? Woot! Woot! Holla! And I don't mean the kosher bread! Oh, no.
How did you find me here? Whole Foods is my sexy secret.
You know what's not a secret? The organic Preparation H in that basket.
Whole Foods is where I come to get my groove on.
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