Max, thanks for agreeing to get in the spirit and do holiday cupcakes.
So much better than last year when you go so drunk you turned the 12 days of Christmas into the 12 steps of Christmas.
Yeah, well, I finally gave in.
Christmas is like herpes.
No matter what you do, it's gonna flare up once a year.
Oh, you made a Feliz Navidad cupcake.
I'm muy proud of you.
And I think we're going to make muy mucho moolah when Manuel comes manana.
You're the only person I know who seems whiter speaking Spanish.
Feliz Navidad for our Spanish speaking friends.
And for kids raised like me, Feliz "He's-not-your-dad.
" And then, "Joy To The World" for the normals, and for the hipsters, "Joint To The World.
" - For the kids, "Frosty The Snowman.
" - Aww.
And for you, "Frosty With No Man.
" Well, I didn't see Jack Frost nipping at your nips either.
Oh, here, this one's my favorite, "Santa Claus Is Coming" Max, stop right there.
No, that was it.
He's coming.
And a Loan for Christmas Earl, change please.
"Earl, change please.
" A phrase I heard from both my ex-wives.
Wow, you have more Christmas cards than Oscar Pistorius had excuses.
What can I say, Max? I spread a lot of goodwill.
It's also where I get all of my shirts.
Here you go.
Have a nice holiday.
My two kids love this time of year.
And next Christmas, there will be three.
It's a boy.
My husband was so happy when I called him in Afghanistan.
Man, this time of year people are easier than a fat girl in a tube top.
Oh, great.
We can use this money to order more of our cupcake t-shirts.
No, we are using that to buy people Christmas gifts.
I was really looking forward to giving someone something that wouldn't require the follow-up penicillin shot.
We need more shirts.
These are really selling.
The guy at table four said it's the perfect gift for a girl you're not in love with, just strictly banging.
- He bought three.
- Well I happen to know for a fact that everyone here's getting us stuff.
Han came in with a small package today and also he was carrying a gift bag.
We'll find some money for the gifts.
People aren't expecting anything big.
Happy holidays.
People just got the nothing big they were expecting.
Gather, please.
I have a very special gift for all my diner employees.
Health insurance? Come on, it's Christmastime, not crazy time.
It's art.
It's a one of a kind silk screen.
I did it by hand.
I figured that's how you always have to do it.
Han, it's the diner.
This is amazing.
Open the door.
I put something behind it that reminds me of each of you.
Mine has Sophie.
Mine has a saxophone.
Mine has a cupcake.
Mine has a chainsaw.
Hey, everybody! Holiday shopping tip: Fill a Starbucks cup with vodka.
Also good for waitressing.
Sophie, were you Christmas shopping? Oh, you know I was! Power strips! Oh good.
You got surge protectors.
Wow, that's the first time protection's ever been used in your apartment.
Well, my Christmas village needs 75,000 watts.
And that's just to work my candy cane helicopter.
Sophie's been so busy with the Polish Society Decorating Contest.
We haven't had sex in days.
Well, I got to beat my nemesis, Felka Bobenski.
She wins every year.
She's like the Modern Family of Christmas decorations You know who's having a blue Christmas this year? My balls.
I love this city at the holidays.
Yeah, the urine's all frozen so you can't really smell it.
Manhattan is the best place to buy quality Christmas gifts.
We have 40 bucks.
Now, where are those duffel bags full of stolen electronics sold for half the price by Nairobi refugees? Well, we better find them soon or I'm going to give up and go to Radio Shack like everyone else who goes to Radio Shack.
Oh my God, Max.
My childhood bank.
You had a childhood bank? I didn't even have a childhood.
Come on, let's go.
I stop in every few months to get caught on the security cameras, so people will think I'm still in the mix.
Trying to get caught on security cameras? Whoa, we are different.
Yeah, we'll just go in and while we're in here, well, I don't know, ask for a business loan.
We are not getting a business loan! You tricked me into coming to the city.
At least knock me out and put me in the trunk like a person.
Okay, I hear you.
No loan.
But can we at least go in there so I can get a hit off some vault fumes and a complimentary Christmas cocoa? Yeah, I want one too.
It's so cold out here my bra is suing my nipples for assault.
I'd say we ask for $15,000.
So close I almost smelled 100.
What is with you? If I wanted you to keep lying to me, I'd date you.
Max, we need more capital so we can buy our shirts in bulk, and then, if we work even harder, we can double our profit.
Okay, we won't pass even the credit check.
According to my Social Security number, I died in a boat explosion years ago.
This is the time to apply.
Bankers have more guilt at Christmastime because of It's A Wonderful Life.
And also 'cause they're Jewish.
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